My New Life

I'm starting anew.

Newly single, living in a house, working full time, and giving my direction on this road called life a large dose of scrutiny.

For a while, I was just stressed out, but as I start to settle into a different groove, I'm beginning to feel a little more at peace. It's not as though I'm jumping for joy at the moment, but I'm calmly appreciating the little things to be grateful for. It's a happy feeling.

My friend Mike is driving down to San Diego today. We're hanging out tonight :)

Kind of strange, but we've got a weird little thing. Funky because he's friends with Pascal... definitely an eyebrow raiser, that situation.

My Expected Predicament

I'm undergoing some pretty bad withdrawal from all the people I love.

You guys, for one.

And then there's all the people I spent this year with. Not to mention Pascal.

I usually have no trouble giving up cigarettes whenever I'm at home. I just don't smoke. But today, I spent the last half hour or so sitting on my roof, smoking away while my family slept. I miss San Diego and everything it held for me this year so much, and it's tearing me apart.

I've also been thinking a lot lately. I'm pretty set on taking a leave of absence from UCSD. This past year, I've had very little motivation to study, especially all things biochemistry. It kills me that I can't accomplish what I used to, because my heart just isn't in it. It doesn't feel right. But I feel doubly shitty that plenty of people aren't in love with their career choices and can still follow through with their academic obligations and subsequent jobs. Why can't I just suck it up and deal like everyone else does?

I'll spend the next year working and saving up. Maybe I'll have more drive once I've been conditioned to adult life and just how difficult it really is to make it in the world without a college degree. At that point, I could finish up at UCSD... but if that epiphany doesn't arrive, I'm also toying with the idea of striking out on my own and living abroad for a while come next Summer.

It will be immensely difficult. This much I know. My parents will not at all be happy with me for postponing my education. Estranging myself from my family will be the hardest. But it's far better than the alternative of dragging myself through another year at Uni, flunking out of sheer apathy, waiting for a mental meltdown, then subsequently grovelling at my parents' feet for food, shelter, and forgiveness. I could never live with myself if I ever came to that.

I've never really considered myself one of those cookie cutter kids. Sure I played piano and violin, participated in choir and orchestra, and got some decent grades at a reputable UC, but God didn't place me here to be chucked out of a workforce-generating machine. I guess I'm really stepping out of the box this time. And I guess I really need to work on my French...

For now, all I can do is escape through slumber and pray for a better tomorrow. All of this personal crisis business is tiring/stressing me out. I finally understand why my parents wanted me to be the way they want me to be... life would be infinitely simpler if I were so.

My Internal Debate

I haven't slept with him. And I can't make up my mind as to whether or not I should. On the one hand, he is my boyfriend and it is perfectly within the bounds of conventional social practices to have such relations with one's significant other. On the other hand, adding a physical element to our relationship can only make our impending separation that much more difficult.

Surprisingly enough, he is more romantic than I have proved myself capable of thus far. And although I am immensely attracted to him, a part of me wants to just cherish what this past week has been to me and leave it at that. Alas! My inner romantic finally rears its rose-laden visage. Clear across the planet long distance is not what I had expected to get myself into this year. And as a particular concerned friend was kind enough to gently remind me, overseas stress is hardly conducive to my own well being.

Control is always something I've had difficulty parting with. But all I know now is how I feel at this moment. For the time being, I'm happy. Whether we come out of this week as friends or as lovers, I will be glad. We're planning my winter Eurotrip, where we intend to travel and visit the friends who brought us together. He plans on coming back to California eventually. I have a whole lifetime to figure all of this ish out. What we have now may be short-lived, but who is to say what the future may bring?

My cynical days are numbered. While I'd be willing to bet that I'll always have that biting sarcasm and a darker sense of humor than most, my outlook has made a 180. I'm hopeful.

Cheers to that.

My First Time

I have no drive to study. None whatsoever. I just want to spend time with the beloved friends of mine who are leaving California.

Sara Schlegal. Katie Dash. Jazz Charlton. Jaume Campistol. Michael Sweetman. Cormac Mangan. Matteo Bassi. Victor Sirinopakul. Jess Schwartz. Ayano Ikeda. Karen Nielsen. Oleg Gilberstein. Anna Murray. Emily Phelps. Jeevi Mathers. Benedicte Ameslant. Thomas Liedecke. Mathilde Reynaudi. Chloe Lewis. Elliot McDonald. Amal Kakaiya. Beenna Keum. Carsten Young. Christine Juang. David Kovo. Guillaume Cossio. Kirk Flash. Marina Tota. Stephen Nashef. MJ Lee.

All people I've fallen in love with this year. All people whose homes are overseas. The plus side is that whether I go to England, Scotland, Ireland, Germany, France, Australia, Korea, Japan, Denmark, Italy, Spain, Peru, or Taiwan, I'll have a couch to crash on. The down side is the massive heartbreak I know I'll be suffering in just a few short days. But I'm trapped indoors studying instead of savoring what little time we have left to create our last memories of iHouse together.

And then there's Pascal Pillokeit.

I owe so much to him. We weren't close until very very recently. But oh how close we have become! "Ich liebe dich," he said to me. I didn't understand, so I asked him. And he told me. I responded with "oh." We sat in a comfortable silence. I suppose it's a little nerdy that my next thought was "Search your feelings, Jennifer." I did. For quite a while at that. I had never told a boy those three little words. Not in a romantic context at any rate.

After prolonged soul-searching, I finally said it. I turned to him, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I love you too." And I meant it. I don't know how our relationship is supposed to work out. I really don't. But I've leapt a huge hurdle. With his help.

It seems stupid. It is stupid. I fell for someone. A very inconvenient someone. Oops.

My Calm Before the Storm

I've had trouble with relationships. It's a recurring pattern in my life. Ever since John and I's back and forth double-timing. Ever since Ray left for his tour in Iraq.

More so, ever since Ray passed. Just days before he should have been coming home to Fremont. A mere week before he was to move to San Diego to start school. Here. At UCSD. We broke off whatever it is we shared two years ago, but when he deferred enrollment to serve, we had an understanding that he'd be back. It was a mutually unsaid agreement, hope even, that our story was, perhaps, not quite finished.

He wasn't good for me. I started smoking for him. I snuck out of night because of him. When he went to military school, I continued my delinquent behavior, playing the part of misguided juvenile to a T. But some kinds of chemistry aren't governed by logic or rules. I was young, stupid, and immensely attracted to him. Old habits die hard. I fell for him in the seventh grade. Those feelings never completely died until... well... now. Damn near a decade later.

There had always been lingering emotions. All throughout college. With every crush, with every random boy, there was always an inkling that Ray would eventually be back. I understand now that all he wanted was for me to be happy. He didn't want me entering a brand new stage of my life tied to a Marine on tour. He wanted me to have peace of mind. For me to find someone who could care for me. I know that now. Years late. But better late than never.

I've snapped out of it. He's gone now. And there's nothing he would have despised more than to see me emotionally disconnected from anyone who ever comes close to a relationship. Sleeping around because I avoid any other kind of intimacy. Until now, I have only made friends in college. Whether they be family-like relationships or ones packed with sexual tension, they have all been friends and nothing more, nonetheless. No matter how much I tried to make it otherwise just for the sake of having a damn boyfriend.

I haven't felt so free for a long time. Haven't felt so elated over matters of men... ever. Is that how love is?

I have to go get some more studying done. But I leave this post with one word: Pascal.

My Father

If (Sender == Dad)
Ignore();

If (DueDate(Visa) == 0)
PayBill(Visa);
Else
Wait();


Hi Jen,

Did I implement your rules correctly with the programs above?

Don't forget to pay your Visa bill if you haven't already.

Love,
Dad




My dad is hilarious. Either that or we're both huuuuge nerds.

I got pretty drunk today. Holy fuck. I also had dinner with Victor. And Pascal and I kissed, but it was disappointingly anticlimactic. Such a weird day. I'll write more later... for now, I'm 100% exhausted.

My Predictable Day

I did what I said I would.

Got up, showered, picked up AS lecture notes, bought cigarettes, downed a doppio espresso, studied, watched Frequency, studied, and here I am again.

I guess the main reason I'm studying so hardcore like now is so I can party like the world will end on Thursday night. Then I'll study by day and party by night for the remainder of the weekend. I mean... the vast majority of the awesome friends I've met at I-House this year are returning to their home countries in a little more than a week. I owe them a proper send-off.

It's the only thing keeping me motivated right now.

My Slow Start

I'm not moving through physics as quickly as I had planned to. I really have to start kicking it up. Instead of primarily working problems or reading the text, I'm just deriving the formulas that I would need to solve any problems pertaining to the course material, looking up constants and variables along the way. It seems to be effective. But it's also time consuming to be working it all out a little at a time.

I'm so tired right now. Holy shit. You would be to if you spent the whole day in heels. And tomorrow's another longass day. More Geisel. More physics. Some bio thrown in here and there.

The difference is... I'm going to pick up my AS lecture notes for BILD2. I will then proceed to the General Co-Op and purchase some cigarettes. And then I'm going to hit up the Mandeville coffee cart for some caffeination.

I haven't smoked in two days. It feels good. But I'm also stressed to the end of my wits about all that school jazz... as well as my stupid personal life. Apparently Pascal really digs me. Which complicates things. A lot. I mean... Germany is kind of far away. And we have less than two weeks now. Ahhh shit.

My WTF It's June?!

Yeaa... wtf?

I've taken somewhat of a liking to Pascal. Damnit.

The tea tree oil face was experiment is a success! My complexion is much improved. However, it smells like organic stuff. Not unclean, just not a scent I'm a really big fan of. Very hippie-soap-y. Kind of a dilemma. On the one hand, uber clear complexion. On the other hand, my face smells like weird plants.

I'm really bad at studying.

And I love Transformers.