My Slippery Slope

It's so hard to make things work. We just keep fighting, and I don't really know what to do. Is it worth it? There was a period when I'd scoffingly exclaim, "of course!" with some conviction, but now, I'm beginning to weigh some pros and cons. I keep trying to make things work, but we keep fighting about stupid things. I'm just trying to figure out if this is just a phase, or if God is trying to get me to take a hint.

My RAWRAWRAWR

I've been in a moody funk lately. Part of it is frustration with my musical studies. Part of it is midterm stress. Yet another part of it is the inevitability of having to spend money... and how much it sucks. And outside of the obvious issues, I have these stupid little feelings that, on top of being unpleasant alone, also make me feel shitty for having selfish thoughts.

Not that I want a gold star or any kind of hooplah, but it really sucks to feel unappreciated. And I kind of feel that way a lot... at my internship, as a student, and worst of all, as a girlfriend. The first two are to be expected. Students at a public research-based university and interns are totally dispensable, and I committed to those roles knowing very well I'd likely be overlooked and unimportant. But that is not a preconception I had entering a relationship.

I don't consider myself excessively needy, controlling, or any other negative attribute assigned to stereotypically crazy girlfriends. It follows that I get kind of peeved when my boyfriend tells me that I am. Especially when it's because I weighed in on his dilemma last night (to smoke weed or not to smoke weed) by reminding him that he had a quiz on brain development this morning. My words were, pulled straight from Facebook, "don't you have a quiz tomorrow?" and nothing else. No condemnation, no ultimatum. Just a simple reminder that, in case it had slipped his mind, he had an impending appointment of moderate importance to be wary of, and to perhaps prepare for. Somebody please explain to me how that can be considered controlling? I am lost.

To make the whole scenario worse yet, he decided to make his "chill out, controlling girlfriend" speech on the ride to school after he called me at 8:30 am, asking me to swing by his apartment on my way to UCSD so he could have a ride to campus to take said quiz. I paid 4 bucks for visitor parking in Gilman, was five minutes late to my 9 am, and now have to go repark my car at the VA so he could tell me that I was being too controlling over him. P.S. I still don't see how I'm controlling. Seriously?

I don't lord over anybody, let alone over someone I love. I'm freaking pissed, and frankly, I don't really feel like picking up someone's slack in a relationship that's supposed to be mutual. So unless he's going to man the hell up and quit antagonizing me with his stupid non-issues, I could very well be single again, just in time to not buy a present for Valentine's Day.

My Time to Relax

First week was a little bit ridiculous. I'm happy to announce that I made a conscious effort to allot myself a little chunk of downtime every day of this week. Whether it be watching The Office (or Jersey Shore...), getting caught up on HIMYM, cooking and eating dinner, reading for leisure, going on a date, or negotiating fantasy bball trades, time for fun is crucial to one's well-being. Or at least it is to my well-being.

Yesterday was kind of a special fun day splurge. Mike and I went to PB in the afternoon. We walked around, did some window shopping, chilled by the beach, and got dinner at Joe's Crab Shack. Awesome :)

This week in general has left me feeling much less stressed and happier overall without really diminishing my overall productivity. However, I do have a few assignments to complete and a quiz to study for. The focus this weekend will be on getting all that done before the funfests begin.

My Trouble Adjusting

It's been a long week, blog buddies. And it wasn't a particularly good one.

There were some ups. For example, I haven't had a single meal that I didn't make/pack myself. That meant a week of PB&J, but hey. Sacrifices. Another up was that I got so much done. Woke up early every day, did massive amounts of work. All in all, a very productive start to the quarter.

But there were so many frustrating aspects as well. I hate commuting from Scripps Ranch to downtown to La Jolla and back again. It's exhausting, expensive, and environmentally uncouth. And it sucks when people are insensitive about me trying to stay on top of things. This quarter is going to be really difficult, and I'm really making an effort not to get distracted too often. Plus I really wish I could spend more time with my boyfriend. The time is there, but it's really just a matter of getting some time to hang when we're not surrounded by a ton of people... as well as an issue of discrepancies in social priorities. All in all, my first week back has been rough. I'm ready to knock out... although it'd be nice if I could forget this week even happened and then knock out.

My Spare Time

I set my alarm for 7 am. I woke up at 6:30. After a few minutes of trying to squeeze in a few extra minutes of sleep, I gave up and decided to shower and get a head start on my first day of winter quarter.

Ate some oatmeal and tangerines while watching Good Morning America, packed a lunch of PB&J, drove to school at 8, parked without too much trouble, trekked to PC, got a cup of tea at the Sunshine Market, and arrived exactly 10 minutes early to 9 am econ lecture. Lecture consisted of passing out a syllabus. Another hour to spare!

So then I sat down and got my entire schedule into iCal, made a to-do list, and looked up cheaper alternatives to the bookstore for my textbook needs. I'm now sitting outside my next classroom. Super early. Someone is practicing Mozart's Ronda alla Turca upstairs. I really don't know what else to do. My schedule is really not too bad, but I kind of wish this spare time would pop up when I actually need it instead of on my first day back... when I have nothing better to do than to blog about my day thus far.

I hope I can keep up with my schedule. Despite all the floofiness today, I don't doubt that I'll be hankering for breathing time a few weeks from now.

My Decade

Ringing in the new year (decade!) with some mild sniffles here in Norcal.

What can I say? It's been a fruitful decade, and it went by much faster than I had expected it to. In the year 2000, I was 10, rockin' pigtails on a daily basis, and in love with boy bands. What have I been through since then?

Went through graduation three times. (Mission Valley Elementary '01, Hopkins Junior High '03, and Mission San Jose High '07)

Made a semi-permanent move to San Diego. (La Jolla Fall '07 - Spring '09, Scripps Ranch/Mira Mesa Summer '09 - present)

Dated a few guys. (John: Summer '06 - Spring '07, Ray: Summer '07 - Fall '07, Lonny: Oct '07 - Nov '07, Keith: Spring '08 - Summer '08, Mike Chang: Feb '09 - April '09) Plus some others in between. OK... maybe not just a few.

Been dating this other guy. Mikey N. July 28, 2009 to the present. Five months. Whew.

Said goodbye to some. (Grandpa Pao 2001, Uncle Tsu-Hwa 2003, Sophia 2007, Nat 2008, Ray 2008, Great uncle Ngo 2009)

Said hello to some! (My new cousin: Gavin, my cousins' kids: Kelly, Tristan, Ethan, Kai, Chloe, my family's dogs: Anakin the greyhound, Tahoe the Siberian Husky, Leia the Labrador, Lexi the pug, and Amy the pretty mutt)

Maintained some friends. (Eric, Rick, Jonathan, Tina)

Made some new friends! (All of you guys!!!!)

Switched majors a zillion times (Biophysics, biochem/chem, biochem/cell bio, music)

Voted (Obama and No on 8 in 2008)

There's gotta be more, but I doubt I could ever finish summing up the decade. So I'll stop now. Here's to this one being better than the last. Happy new year, guys. It's gonna be something seeing what's to come...