My Christmas + My Boxing Day

Christmas had its ups and downs this year. 'Tis the season for turbulence. But everything worked out and nobody had to sleep on the curb, so... success!

Huge congrats to the Chargers for totally owning the Titans. Sorry, Tennessee, but San Diego is pretty darned awesome. GG. And GO CHARGERS!

Plus, the Cavs won. That makes me happy in two ways:

1. Lebron and Shaq are both on my fantasy team.

2. The Lakers lost. (Sorry, LAL fans.)

And the best Boxing Day present ever? A Golden State Victory! I LOVE the Warriors with a violent passion. And I am soooo happy that they won today! (Also because MontA, Anthony Randolph, Biedrins, and Maggette are all on my fantasy team...) The Warriors will always be my favorite team in the whole wide world, and they made me so proud today :) IN YOUR FACES, Warriors haters!

Lifelong love affair :)

I should just call this post "My Sports Highlights."

On another note, I kinda miss my boyfriend. But you know... time... driving across the bay. Meh.

My Trip to Reno

My body hurts. Every inch of it. Neck and face included!

I used to go boarding/skiing twice, or even three times, a year. For whatever reason, my friends and I always had energy after full days on the slopes for bowling, arcading, movie-ing, Circus-Circus-ing, and all sorts of other Reno-associated doings. Not the case this year. Haha. We were all so tired and sore, we would knock out at 10 pm. No joke.

Lesson number one: Kids have way more freaking energy than adults do.

Lesson number two: Snow sports are a freaking workout. Holy shiznits.

Considering I am still 20, there is not much I can do on the casino floor except to hit the buffets. Which leads me to...

Lesson number three: Eating to beat the buffet is such a bad idea when it happens for three nights in a row.

I will post pictures on Facebook soon! But for now, I'll leave y'all with these two:

Partially geared up...

Aaaaand drinking! (Coors Light on tap)

Happy holidays to all of my bloggy buddies! Merry Christmas and happy eating :)

My Day Before My Trip to Reno

I am going to Reno tomorrow! (Surprise, surprise.)

Today, I drove my brother and his buddies to a cappella rehearsal in Saratoga... and then I went to Mikey's :) We ate at Saratoga Bagel, which had a "people love us on Yelp" sticker on the window. Mikey decided that since I took him to the Daily Bagel Cafe, my high school's cool kid lunch spot, he should take me to Saratoga High School's equivalent. Then we watched the 49ers game :'( and played with his dog, Peanut :)

Sometime in the midst of all this fun stuff, we decided it was kind of cold, and whipped out some awesome blankets... and fell asleep within a few minutes.

So of the time we were hanging out, half was spent napping. While it would have been nice to have been conscious while hanging out with my boyfriend, it was pretty damn comfortable. Worth it!

What else did I do? Got some snowboarding stuff together. Bought chains for my daddy's Accord (just in case). Ate at Sweet Tomatoes aka Souplantation. Watched my friend's percussion gig. Packed. Whew.

Oh yea. Before I forget, my brother performed Liszt's "Un Sospiro" last night. It was amazing. I also got to hear my lil sis, Zoe, perform. Her first semester at Oberlin's Conservatory of Music has done well for her :)

I am sleepy now... my next update will be from Nevada! Reno, ho!

My Waffle Breakfast

Good morning, friends! Leia says hello as well :)


To help my baby bro celebrate the beginning of his Winter break, I made waffles! A really really big stack of 'em. Mmmm. I love breakfast foods :)

For today: hittin' up Saratoga to visit one of my old violin teachers (and sit in on David's lesson) A piano recital featuring my brother and a bunch of Dr. Galant's students. It'll be fun. Ready? Break!

My New Ornament!

I got a call from Color-Me-Mine today! Our ornament was fired in the kiln, and ready for pickup! So after dropping my beloved Tina off at her house, I swung by the ceramic shop to take our first little masterpiece home :)


Because my Macbook takes mirror-image pix, I'll clarify the scribbles by telling you that it has yesterday's date on it: 12.17.09

On the other side, it says jen <3 mike

Right underneath the "jen <3 mike" we see a "<3 gunz." Way to kill the cute-factor, Mikey.

I had a lot of fun, and Mikey did too. Especially when he painted in the little "<3 gunz" part. (FYI, Gunz is an online game that he plays. He's not pro-arms.) I love the holidays. My boyfriend is a tard.

My Internship

So... I have just started interning at the San Diego Symphony in hopes of forging some connections, and potentially securing a post-undergrad job offer. For now, I'm unpaid.

Today, I stuffed programs with fliers. It kind of sucked. I also sort of get a cubicle. Sort of because, while it is my cubicle, a bunch of crap that doesn't fit in other people's cubicles gets stuffed under my desk.

The good part is that the people are really nice... and I'm willing to bet that they probably won't make me go on coffee runs. I don't know what else to say. It's weird to be at the bottom again.

Also, I don't know if any of you have been inside Copley Symphony Hall... it was originally a Fox theater for silent movies and vaudeville and stuff (built in the 1920's), but it is freaking HIDEOUS. It is kind of funny how grody looking that place is. Don't be fooled by the svelte and classy exterior. Once you're in the lobby you'll know what I mean. The hall itself is not so bad. It's got a kind of quaint charm to it. But the lobby is... well... it's special.

The only perk of my job is getting free tickets to nearly all of the events (EXCEPT for the Perlman recital in January) So if anyone feels like accompanying me to the symphony, y'all will experience first hand the UGLY that is the CSH lobby.

Something I am looking forward to: Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" is being performed in May. It's one of my favorite pieces of all time :)

My Family Shenanners

I freaking love being at my parents'. My dad was still awake when I pulled into the driveway at 2:30. Leia wagged her way over to me at the door, blinking the sleep out of her eyes. Love.

I put all my shit down, dragged my dog to my room (even though she's not allowed upstairs...), updated my Facebook and Twitter, and knocked the hell out with my puppy sprawled out all over my legs. Warm :)

This morning, I woke up freaking early. First item: making some veggie stock. Actually... making a lot of veggie stock. Lots of peeling and chopping of pounds of garlic, carrots, onions, and celery. Then some pretty little herb bouquets. I think the chopping woke my parents up. Feeling Holiday-inspired, I popped in some allspice berries, cinnamon sticks, and orange zest dotted with cloves set the stock on simmer. Then it was off to Costco and SAFEWAY (not Vons) with my mommy for some last minute foodstuffs.

The rest of my day:

1. pie fillings (one apple, one pumpkin)
2. cranberry sauce
3. lunch
4. brine for the bird
5. Gears of War 2
6. cornbread for stuffing
7. cream of mushroom for green bean casserole

Tomorrow will begin with some pie crust construction and blind baking. Then some not so blind baking. After that, I believe my daddy and I are going to pick out some beers (I'm thinking some hard cider will be on the bevs shopping list as well...) Then... some hardcore kitchen business. Stuffing, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, biscuits, and the big turkeezy biznass.

It's not just me. My mom is currently braising a freaking huge pork butt/leg thing (I have no idea what the cut of meat is in English) because I have a ferocious shitload of relatives coming over tomorrow. I am a little scared. I feel like I should make flashcards for the distant relations...

Happy holidays, folks. Here's to kicking off the season with some delicious meditation on thanks to be given. I am glad for all I have been blessed with: a loving and supporting family, the most adorable little puppy I could ever hope for, amazing friends, a boyfriend, a job, a blossoming academic career, all that jazz. I should just be happy that despite the occasional kink or two, it's all good in the hood.

My Challenge!

So this goal setting thing. Right-o. Last week, I went to the gym for over an hour every day except for one (which I decided would be a rest day since I was too sore AND sick to even get out of bed for about 3 hours). But I would still call my goal to consistently work on my fitness a success.

This week, I am continuing that gym diligence dealio. But I am also adding to the equation. This week... Mikey and I are not only going to avoid eating out, I am going to cook a healthy dinner for us each night of the week for under five dollars per meal. It's not an easy one, but I think it's doable. I am allowing myself to disinclude pantry regulars (salt, pepper, olive oil, common spices, milk, broth, that kind of thing) from the totals.

Tonight's fare:

1 can diced tomatoes ($1.20)
1/2 can tomato paste ($.25)
2 cloves garlic ($.10?)
1/2 an onion ($.25?)
2 spicy italian sausages ($1.44)
1 small carrot ($.20?)
3/4 package whole wheat penne ($.97)
sprinkling of parmesan ($.50?)

Grand total: $4.91

I'm planning on cooking up the sausages sans casings, and squeezing the excess grease out of that meat. Then, to the little brown bits left in the pan, I'm going to add a little bit of olive oil, the diced half onion, my two cloves of garlic (minced), and the whole carrot (grated) with some salt and pepper. When all that gets nice and soft, in goes the tomato paste and canned, diced tomatoes. Let that all cook together while the pasta gets boiled in some salted water on another burner, add the meat in at the last few seconds, and toss the sauce with the pasta. That's the plan anyway...

Hearty and healthy homemade meat sauce with whole wheat pasta for less than a Subway footlong. ChaCHING! I think it will be good for me to have these exercises in frugality. With a good amount of portion control thrown in on my part, which is something I should also work on, the leftovers from dinner tonight could work for lunch tomorrow. Yay for saving money!

Tomorrow... garlicky mac n' cheesy broccoli.

My Pint-Sized Powerhouse

This weekend, I had the privilege of meeting Scout Bassett. She's 4'8", an amputee, and a member of the U.S. National Triathlon team. She's also hilarious and a lot of fun to hang out with.

Indran, Mike's friend from high school, met Scout at UCLA. They're close friends, so when Scout decided to do her first half marathon (13.1 miles) to benefit the Challenged Athletes Foundation on Coronado Island, Indran tagged along. When they stopped by to visit Mike, we met.

I love those girls. They are so adorable. Both are RAs at UCLA, but they had no issue drinking with us in I-House on Friday night. We went home early, but it was the funnest night we'd had in a while. AND none of us were hungover the next day. Hooray for hydration and rest!

Scout is such a positive person. She's hugely famous, having been featured in all sorts of running magazines, USA Today, and motivational speaking things, but you wouldn't know it from talking to her. She is about as nice as people get, and so outgoing, she just puts everyone around at ease.

Mike and I waited for her at the finish line of the half marathon this morning so we could all go get brunch together afterwards. She finished the whole damn thing in just under four hours... she even got stopped a few times by people asking for her autograph. I am so proud of her, and I am so glad that I got to meet her and Indran and hang out with them both.

Even though some of this weekend was very sad/frustrating for me in other aspects, I am glad to have made such inspiring and wonderful new friends :)

My Call Of Duty

Modern Warfare 2.

I absolutely LOVE that game... and I can't wait to play it with my brother over Thanksgiving. On my parents' ginormous TV. The game play is fantastic :) The only problem is I tried to do the specop missions with Mike... and it made me want to kill him. He's retarded. End of story.

On a very different note, I have gone to the gym every single weekday so far! That is the best I've done in a really long time. I'm sore all over, but it's a good feeling. I'm feeling better in general. And it's much better than lying on my ass all day when I'm sick. Oh yea. I've been sick all week. Finally starting to get my voice back, but it's still too difficult to sing.

I went back and read a lot of my old Xanga entries. I miss my Xanga. And I really like reading about my doings from around 1 year ago. It makes me feel as though I've grown so much. I truly believe that I have. I'm different now. Considerably less irate, smoke-free for four months, motivated and ambitious, and an all around happier person. It's change for the better. And I'm glad for it. It was long overdue.

It is now 3:14 am (happy pi time!), and I should be fast asleep. It's a good thing I have no school on Fridays. Now that midterms are over... maybe I'll get myself good and drunk soon :)

My Hubris

One day after my goal for the next few years is set, I feel a familiar tickle in my throat.

For all my attention to hand-washing and diet-balancing, some kind of bug has still managed to begin penetrating my defenses. I can only hope to nip this thing in the bud. I had spinach and eggs for breakfast. Spinach, of all foods. I then topped that off with honey/citrus tea, complete with rinds, pith, and all. Splurged in the Sunshine Market today on some fresh fruit, hot soup, and lots of water.

Practice had to be cut short today to save my ailing throat. I used that time to research interpretations, jotting down notes and articulation in my sheet music. My favorite thus far is that of Renee Fleming, American soprano and opera superstar with a soft spot for Lieder, more commonly known as the art song.



I really hope I get over this sickness business quickly. I've got a lot of practicing to do before I can even hope to be as good as she is.

My Goals

November has come. (Gorillaz reference). And it is beautiful. Kind of a pain in the ass because of the temperature extremes, but beautiful nonetheless.

Setting goals seem to be a good idea. It started when my vocal lesson went particularly well yesterday...

I had been having second thoughts about my major for a while. I practiced and worked so hard, yet all my progress was trivial. Minor improvements in breath control. Marginally better Italian diction. Slightly more expressive performance technique. I was pretty dissatisfied with how I sounded.

For some reason, my coach assigned me some new vocalises yesterday. When I sung them for her, something clicked. Something felt different. And I sounded different. Much MUCH better. So much better that it was exactly the kick in the pants that I needed.

After that lesson, I decided that if I am going to do this, I am going to do it right. I know I have put a lot of work into my voice... but I am going to do more. I made a small goal for the week: to perfect the emotional interpretation of my American art song. It's in English, hence much easier for me to connect with than my Italian repertoire. Next week is my lesson with an accompanist. And I am going to sing that song to my standards. Not much is expected of undergraduate vocalists at UCSD... but it is probably for the best that I am my harshest critic.

On another note, I am going to incorporate more produce into my diet. Sweet potatoes, bok choy, celery, lean meats, legumes, you name it. Not eating out for a week should cover that. That is my slightly larger goal.

But the big goal I have set for myself... preparing repertoire. I need to build up a complete set of performable music with which to audition. First for a reputable summer program in 2011. Then for conservatory.

Ready, set, BREAK!

My Giant Roasted Pig

"What if I brought you a giant roasted pig?"

Feeling kind of under the weather, but also kind of gushy.

My Soju Dinner

Korean food cookoff.

Ingredients for Saturday, 10/24/2009:

4 pounds of kalbi, marinated in soy sauce, sugar, garlic, green onion, ginger, Asian pear, black pepper, and sesame oil.

1 giant pot of homemade chop jae.

1 rice cooker full of rice.

2 heads of lettuce.

1 tub of gochujang.

6 boys.

2 girls.

Yakult.

Soju.



Let it meld together into shitshowy goodness. So. Much. Fun.

We ate until we were practically comatose. Then we drank. And then we ate more. It was truly epic. Will plan an encore.

My Slow Panic

There is so much I have to do. It's all kind of just accumulating, one after another, and before I can finish anything off, my plate just gets piled higher with more. It's really starting to stress me out.

Especially vocal stuff. I am constantly in fear of not being good enough. Because I know I'm not. There is so much I don't know. And there is so much I need to improve on. I never feel like I'm making much progress, and it scares me to think that I'm not outrageously gifted in my new field. I just want to be better. But in spite of the fact that I am absolutely dedicated to my vocal studies, I don't seem to be improving. It makes me so... sigh.

To cope with that, I cooked a healthy meal for Mike's college-boy apartment. David and James always super grateful when I cook at their place, and we're all usually pretty productive with our studies after eating together. I miss family meals, and it actually really calms me to just sit down at the dinner table and share conversation and food.

Tonight's menu:
steamed tilapia filet with soy sauce, ginger, garlic, and green onions
rice
baked sweet potatoes for dessert

Healthy healthy :)

But now that it's over, I'm feeling a little antsy again. At least I'm much better than I was previous to my little de-stress sess.

My Wild Weekend

Being back in the bay was the most amazing feeling ever. San Diego's great. In fact it's so great that when I'm here, I don't think about the fact that I'm away from my beloved NorCal. But when I go home...

Man. Every time I go home, it just hits me like a ton of bricks how awesome the East Bay is. One day, I'm going to live there again. And it is going to rock my world.

So the concert. It was amazing. But it was also a complete shitshow. In other words, details elude me. However, I know that I spent a lot of time with great company (and managed to avoid the presence of others I'm not as particular to) And I know that I had the time of my life wandering the streets of Berkeley, being drunk on the BART, moseying down The Embarcadero, cavorting around AT&T Park, grinding to GirlTalk, watching some spectacular fireworks, playing flip cup, listening to MGMT, and really--REALLY--watching the sun set over the most beautiful city I have ever known from the shores of Treasure Island.

It's been a little rough adjusting back to school life... you know. Actually waking up in the morning. Not being perpetually crossfaded. Singing and having to sound good. Trying to pass midterms. That kind of thing.

What can I take from that weekend? I've made a few amazing friends. And I guess that boyfriend of mine ain't half bad either.

And... I miss my family.

My Homecoming

I'm going home. I'm going home. I'm going home. I'm going home!! Truly. I am sooo excited to be going home!!!!!!!

Along those lines, I pose a query:

Mike and I had decided to go to Norcal together to see MGMT. He bought us tickets for our second monthaversary (celebrating my longest college relationship!) Our iHouse friends got jealous. Understandably so because MGMT is awesome. So a few of them decided to buy tickets as well. Mina, the only one of Mike and my own group of friends who I really have to try to tolerate (I frickin LOVE the rest of our group) told some new international friends of theirs, and so they bought tickets. Problem is, Mina's driving. I'm driving. And she invited more people than she had room for. Mike and I were completely unaware of this until midnight. As in 10 hours ago. As far as we knew, we were heading up tonight with my little sister's boyfriend in tow. En route at 7 pm, in norcal by 2 am. No problemo. Not so anymore.

Not only did Mina try to unload both of her international friends (whom neither Mike nor myself have even met) onto my car, taking the rest of our gang with her, she tresspassed the boundaries of hospitality by having her two friends stay at Mike's Thursday night. And all day Friday. As I heard the conversation unfold in the car, I was fairly irked. I interrupted.

I told Mina I wouldn't take two complete strangers in my car, and it was unfair of her to dump her acquaintences on us while she and the rest of our gang were off cavorting elsewhere. I told her she shouldn't have assumed that having them tag along with us would be OK, especially considering this was originally a trip for US (Mike and I). She got really defensive, but eventually consented to let us take our friend Adam and one mystery passenger up. At least we know and love Adam.

This is exactly the kind of thing that really annoys me about Mina. She imposes herself. I don't feel like I was too harsh, but I really don't like hanging out with her, and I'd prefer not to in the future. Mike thinks "she's OK in small doses." Honestly, even the small doses make me want to sock her in the kisser.

This post has put me in a little bit of an angry disposition.

My Cooking

Eating out is a really expensive habit. And it's one that Mike has fallen into over the course of living off campus. Not that I can blame him. Left to his own devices, Mike would have to eat scrambled eggs and/or rice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. In reality he has been eating pho nearly every day... twice a day if he's hungover. Pho might be cheap and filling for "eating out," but six bucks every single day adds up. Especially if you drag your girlfriend out to eat with you and insist on paying.

I had an epiphany... perhaps after one too many bowls of pho. I can cook. I'm not bad at it. Solution: I'll cook and we'll eat in.

We plan a few meals ahead and shop for groceries together. It's cute I guess. And it's really sweet how he always marvels at the food one can make with a dollar's worth of produce. It's also entertaining how fond of me his male roommates have become lately.

Friday:
-steamed rice
-beef n' broccoli

Saturday:
-steamed rice
-sauteed string beans and chicken
-fried eggs with tomato (sounds gross, but it's traditional Taiwanese fare and miraculously delicious)

Sunday:
-mac n' cheese w/ broccoli
-garlic bread

Monday:
-beef stew w/ daikon, carrots, and tomato
-steamed rice

Next on the menu is probably Japanese style curry chicken. And we'll see after that... :)

I love my boyfriend. I used to be really lazy to cook every day. But it's not as bad as I thought it'd be now that someone else never fails to appreciate it. Plus it's nice to unwind. Taking time away from academia to prepare a healthy meal de-stresses me.

My New Venture

I got a call from a dear friend yesterday. He had an interesting request. I took him up on it.

So tonight I'm going to be directing my first collegiate a cappella rehearsal. UCSD Frequency. Maybe this is my chance to make something great. Starting from... pretty much scratch.

More on this later, perhaps.



Other things:
-JAM WEDDING TONIGHT!!!!!!!!! ZOMGZOMGZOMG
-intramural dodgeball with Mike and his friends (they were lacking female players)
-lots of vocalizing
-slowly but surely transferring "We All Need Saving" into TTBB form... (<3)
-going home next weekend :)
-making Spring break plans with Mikey :)
-tea is 70 cents at the Sunshine Market :D
-my daddy's birthday is tomorrow :)

My Blehhhh

So I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that Mikey is not a morning person. This is inconvenient because he has morning classes. I hate it when he's a grumpster on the zillion-year car ride to campus. I know he's just groggy and mentally unengaged, but it still kind of stings when he's grouchy as fuck.

I am also feeling very yuck lately. I didn't even go to rehearsal last night because I was halfway passed out and crazy sore. It probably didn't help that working out kicked my butt. I need to start feeling better soon. Especially since my vocal lessons start today. Shiet. I am part excited, part scared. I really don't know what to expect. And I'm really scared I'll just never be as good as I could be.

Also, it would be nice if my practice room key card would work. It would be very nice. But that's just not happening at the moment. Sigh.

My Change Of Direction

(I did not mean for that to be a Street Fighter reference.)

So I know I had decided to be a vocal performance emphasis, but the fact of the matter is, there remained a degree of uncertainty up until about 11 am yesterday. That's when I was notified that I have been accepted as a voice student. Immense relief.

I guess that makes it official.

I made a new friend in the music department. Just thought I'd document it here. She's a vocalist as well, but she's a music literature emphasis. Transfer student from Orange County, born in Korea, moved here 12 years ago. I really like her. We suffer through Italian Madrigals together. And she just joined LJSC as well!

What's funny is that she got called back to Tritones auditions. How did I find this out? She was browsing the website before our Tuesday lecture and just happened to take a closer look at the picture on the website. I hadn't paid attention to what she was looking at on her computer, but I heard her gasp, and as I turned to her, she asked, "Is that you?!?!" Confused, I glanced toward the face her finger indicated, and was slightly taken aback to see myself beaming on the screen, fully decked out in ICCA gear, with an arm around Shana.

It just seems like so long ago. It's utterly foreign to me now. After a second or two of blank staring, I came to my senses and answered her, "yea. I was in that for my first two years." I dodged her questions about the remaining members of the group, and cited my reasons for leaving as "I didn't think I'd have the time this year." I love a cappella, and my personal feelings toward a particular group shouldn't affect the opinions of others... I didn't feel the need to vent all my frustration concerning Tritones. Their problems are not mine anymore, and I don't feel badly for letting it all go to shit. The thing is... they do a pretty good job of ruining themselves without any petty slandering on my part. I'd much prefer to watch them burn of their own accord. It just makes it that much more satisfying.

OK. So maybe I'm still harboring some less than cordial feelings. But the fact of the matter is, I've accepted that I'm not continuing in collegiate a cappella. I've found a way to return to my classical upbringing. I've been privileged enough to have received an offer to do a little dabble in a cappella next summer at choir camp. (Running a workshop for choir geek seniors in high school looking to join a cappella groups their freshman years) That will be enough for me.

And I'm happy now. If I hadn't been so frustrated, I would have never quit with just a month or so to go like I had. And if I hadn't quit... I would never have become so close to Katie, Jazz, Umi, Jess, and all my other international girlfriends. And I would never have met Mike.

So as much as I harbor anger with regards to my experience in the Tritones... my hat goes off to them with gratitude. My deepest thanks for driving me away from a lifelong dream and towards the love of my life.

My Free Friday

It has been exactly one week since Mike got back from Europe.

And we have hung out for exactly one week. Pretty much nonstop. I know that sometimes it's going to rain... but I can't help but pray that we'll just be like this for as long as we can.

Class was cancelled today. My boss wasn't in (and I still have no clue what to do about the microarray equipment...) so I went to the library. The one on Nobel/Judicial. It's tiny. But I picked up a copy of "The Hobbit," which Mike needs to read this weekend for his children's literature class, and I knocked out some of my reading for my class on Italian madrigals. Fun stuff!

I have a lot of really funny public library stories. Like this guy who sat in front of me at a different table. He had earphones in... and he would just randomly fart and then look around to see if anyone noticed. This happened multiple times. I was so proud of myself for not cracking up. Shoot.

My internet time is almost up... will update later.

My First Day Of School...

...as a music major.

I don't think I have ever been quite so excited for ALL of my classes. Truly. I am so ready for this. I am so pumped for this. I am so eager to rock this year!!!

I have never been quite so excited to actually learn. I guess that's a good sign. I'm sitting in Geisel right now, but I wish I could just be in class already. My favorite class at UCSD starts in an hour and a half. (I went to that class all of fall quarter last year even though I wasn't enrolled because the waitlist was too long. THAT'S dedication right thurr.)

Mike and I drove to school together this morning. We stopped by Starbucks for some breakfast: a (double tall, non-fat, light whip, 2 pump pumpkin spice) latte for me and some banana bread for him, and I parked at the VA. And then we walked to PC so he could take a look at his textbooks and I could get a bottle o' water before his 9:30 am Chinese lecture. Poor kid hates my native language. I can't blame him. I bet it's a bitch to learn.

I have to find sheet music in English, preferably by Handel or Purcell, to sing for my MUS 132V (vocal lessons) audition on Monday. Eeek! Like I said, class doesn't start until 11 am for me, so I still have some time. Which is why I am making this update!

Why didn't I switch earlier? This shit makes me so happy. And it feels so nice to actually want to get something out of my collegiate career besides a bombass GPA.

Anyway... I should probably be off to the music stacks to dig up that Handel a/o Purcell stuff. Maybe an update later?

My Past Week

I guess it all started last Thursday. June 25th.

Thursday, June 25th
-Mike arrives back in San Diego
-He, James, David, and I chill and drink all the ingredients for memory loss and hangovers.

Friday, June 26th
-Transformers+Chipotle
-more drinking at Mike's
-late-night Rigo's run

Saturday, June 27th
-spent the day on my own
-picked up drunkies Mike, David, and James so they could eat at Rigo's.
-Mike came over...

Sunday, June 28th
-Confeds cup with Mike
-Mike stayed over again...

Monday, June 29th
-We drove to work together. Waving to each other along the way
-He came over after work to help me put my chest of drawers together... seeing as I couldn't figure it all out.
-We drank. He stayed over. Again.

Tuesday, June 30th
-I drove him to work so he wouldn't have to park at Gliderport.
-Watched some old episodes of The Office at his place after work.
-Went to In-N-Out. Mike buffalo'd me. Had to drink 32 oz. of lemonade.
-He stayed over

Wednesday, July 1st
-Mike made me hike down a crazy death trail to Black's beach
-We walked down the beach
-We got pho for dinner
-Late-night Roberto's run
-He stayed over

Thursday, July 2nd
-Starbucks interview
-Took lunch and met up with Mike at PC
-Watched Weeds with Mike
-Skyped with my grandma
-He stayed over.

Friday, July 3rd
-got Thai House for breakfast/lunch
-watched Weeds with Mike, James, David, and Damo
-played XBOX with the boys
-went shopping
-ate at Phil's
-He's on his way over.





And that's the past week in a nutshell.

My New Life

I'm starting anew.

Newly single, living in a house, working full time, and giving my direction on this road called life a large dose of scrutiny.

For a while, I was just stressed out, but as I start to settle into a different groove, I'm beginning to feel a little more at peace. It's not as though I'm jumping for joy at the moment, but I'm calmly appreciating the little things to be grateful for. It's a happy feeling.

My friend Mike is driving down to San Diego today. We're hanging out tonight :)

Kind of strange, but we've got a weird little thing. Funky because he's friends with Pascal... definitely an eyebrow raiser, that situation.

My Expected Predicament

I'm undergoing some pretty bad withdrawal from all the people I love.

You guys, for one.

And then there's all the people I spent this year with. Not to mention Pascal.

I usually have no trouble giving up cigarettes whenever I'm at home. I just don't smoke. But today, I spent the last half hour or so sitting on my roof, smoking away while my family slept. I miss San Diego and everything it held for me this year so much, and it's tearing me apart.

I've also been thinking a lot lately. I'm pretty set on taking a leave of absence from UCSD. This past year, I've had very little motivation to study, especially all things biochemistry. It kills me that I can't accomplish what I used to, because my heart just isn't in it. It doesn't feel right. But I feel doubly shitty that plenty of people aren't in love with their career choices and can still follow through with their academic obligations and subsequent jobs. Why can't I just suck it up and deal like everyone else does?

I'll spend the next year working and saving up. Maybe I'll have more drive once I've been conditioned to adult life and just how difficult it really is to make it in the world without a college degree. At that point, I could finish up at UCSD... but if that epiphany doesn't arrive, I'm also toying with the idea of striking out on my own and living abroad for a while come next Summer.

It will be immensely difficult. This much I know. My parents will not at all be happy with me for postponing my education. Estranging myself from my family will be the hardest. But it's far better than the alternative of dragging myself through another year at Uni, flunking out of sheer apathy, waiting for a mental meltdown, then subsequently grovelling at my parents' feet for food, shelter, and forgiveness. I could never live with myself if I ever came to that.

I've never really considered myself one of those cookie cutter kids. Sure I played piano and violin, participated in choir and orchestra, and got some decent grades at a reputable UC, but God didn't place me here to be chucked out of a workforce-generating machine. I guess I'm really stepping out of the box this time. And I guess I really need to work on my French...

For now, all I can do is escape through slumber and pray for a better tomorrow. All of this personal crisis business is tiring/stressing me out. I finally understand why my parents wanted me to be the way they want me to be... life would be infinitely simpler if I were so.

My Internal Debate

I haven't slept with him. And I can't make up my mind as to whether or not I should. On the one hand, he is my boyfriend and it is perfectly within the bounds of conventional social practices to have such relations with one's significant other. On the other hand, adding a physical element to our relationship can only make our impending separation that much more difficult.

Surprisingly enough, he is more romantic than I have proved myself capable of thus far. And although I am immensely attracted to him, a part of me wants to just cherish what this past week has been to me and leave it at that. Alas! My inner romantic finally rears its rose-laden visage. Clear across the planet long distance is not what I had expected to get myself into this year. And as a particular concerned friend was kind enough to gently remind me, overseas stress is hardly conducive to my own well being.

Control is always something I've had difficulty parting with. But all I know now is how I feel at this moment. For the time being, I'm happy. Whether we come out of this week as friends or as lovers, I will be glad. We're planning my winter Eurotrip, where we intend to travel and visit the friends who brought us together. He plans on coming back to California eventually. I have a whole lifetime to figure all of this ish out. What we have now may be short-lived, but who is to say what the future may bring?

My cynical days are numbered. While I'd be willing to bet that I'll always have that biting sarcasm and a darker sense of humor than most, my outlook has made a 180. I'm hopeful.

Cheers to that.

My First Time

I have no drive to study. None whatsoever. I just want to spend time with the beloved friends of mine who are leaving California.

Sara Schlegal. Katie Dash. Jazz Charlton. Jaume Campistol. Michael Sweetman. Cormac Mangan. Matteo Bassi. Victor Sirinopakul. Jess Schwartz. Ayano Ikeda. Karen Nielsen. Oleg Gilberstein. Anna Murray. Emily Phelps. Jeevi Mathers. Benedicte Ameslant. Thomas Liedecke. Mathilde Reynaudi. Chloe Lewis. Elliot McDonald. Amal Kakaiya. Beenna Keum. Carsten Young. Christine Juang. David Kovo. Guillaume Cossio. Kirk Flash. Marina Tota. Stephen Nashef. MJ Lee.

All people I've fallen in love with this year. All people whose homes are overseas. The plus side is that whether I go to England, Scotland, Ireland, Germany, France, Australia, Korea, Japan, Denmark, Italy, Spain, Peru, or Taiwan, I'll have a couch to crash on. The down side is the massive heartbreak I know I'll be suffering in just a few short days. But I'm trapped indoors studying instead of savoring what little time we have left to create our last memories of iHouse together.

And then there's Pascal Pillokeit.

I owe so much to him. We weren't close until very very recently. But oh how close we have become! "Ich liebe dich," he said to me. I didn't understand, so I asked him. And he told me. I responded with "oh." We sat in a comfortable silence. I suppose it's a little nerdy that my next thought was "Search your feelings, Jennifer." I did. For quite a while at that. I had never told a boy those three little words. Not in a romantic context at any rate.

After prolonged soul-searching, I finally said it. I turned to him, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I love you too." And I meant it. I don't know how our relationship is supposed to work out. I really don't. But I've leapt a huge hurdle. With his help.

It seems stupid. It is stupid. I fell for someone. A very inconvenient someone. Oops.

My Calm Before the Storm

I've had trouble with relationships. It's a recurring pattern in my life. Ever since John and I's back and forth double-timing. Ever since Ray left for his tour in Iraq.

More so, ever since Ray passed. Just days before he should have been coming home to Fremont. A mere week before he was to move to San Diego to start school. Here. At UCSD. We broke off whatever it is we shared two years ago, but when he deferred enrollment to serve, we had an understanding that he'd be back. It was a mutually unsaid agreement, hope even, that our story was, perhaps, not quite finished.

He wasn't good for me. I started smoking for him. I snuck out of night because of him. When he went to military school, I continued my delinquent behavior, playing the part of misguided juvenile to a T. But some kinds of chemistry aren't governed by logic or rules. I was young, stupid, and immensely attracted to him. Old habits die hard. I fell for him in the seventh grade. Those feelings never completely died until... well... now. Damn near a decade later.

There had always been lingering emotions. All throughout college. With every crush, with every random boy, there was always an inkling that Ray would eventually be back. I understand now that all he wanted was for me to be happy. He didn't want me entering a brand new stage of my life tied to a Marine on tour. He wanted me to have peace of mind. For me to find someone who could care for me. I know that now. Years late. But better late than never.

I've snapped out of it. He's gone now. And there's nothing he would have despised more than to see me emotionally disconnected from anyone who ever comes close to a relationship. Sleeping around because I avoid any other kind of intimacy. Until now, I have only made friends in college. Whether they be family-like relationships or ones packed with sexual tension, they have all been friends and nothing more, nonetheless. No matter how much I tried to make it otherwise just for the sake of having a damn boyfriend.

I haven't felt so free for a long time. Haven't felt so elated over matters of men... ever. Is that how love is?

I have to go get some more studying done. But I leave this post with one word: Pascal.

My Father

If (Sender == Dad)
Ignore();

If (DueDate(Visa) == 0)
PayBill(Visa);
Else
Wait();


Hi Jen,

Did I implement your rules correctly with the programs above?

Don't forget to pay your Visa bill if you haven't already.

Love,
Dad




My dad is hilarious. Either that or we're both huuuuge nerds.

I got pretty drunk today. Holy fuck. I also had dinner with Victor. And Pascal and I kissed, but it was disappointingly anticlimactic. Such a weird day. I'll write more later... for now, I'm 100% exhausted.

My Predictable Day

I did what I said I would.

Got up, showered, picked up AS lecture notes, bought cigarettes, downed a doppio espresso, studied, watched Frequency, studied, and here I am again.

I guess the main reason I'm studying so hardcore like now is so I can party like the world will end on Thursday night. Then I'll study by day and party by night for the remainder of the weekend. I mean... the vast majority of the awesome friends I've met at I-House this year are returning to their home countries in a little more than a week. I owe them a proper send-off.

It's the only thing keeping me motivated right now.

My Slow Start

I'm not moving through physics as quickly as I had planned to. I really have to start kicking it up. Instead of primarily working problems or reading the text, I'm just deriving the formulas that I would need to solve any problems pertaining to the course material, looking up constants and variables along the way. It seems to be effective. But it's also time consuming to be working it all out a little at a time.

I'm so tired right now. Holy shit. You would be to if you spent the whole day in heels. And tomorrow's another longass day. More Geisel. More physics. Some bio thrown in here and there.

The difference is... I'm going to pick up my AS lecture notes for BILD2. I will then proceed to the General Co-Op and purchase some cigarettes. And then I'm going to hit up the Mandeville coffee cart for some caffeination.

I haven't smoked in two days. It feels good. But I'm also stressed to the end of my wits about all that school jazz... as well as my stupid personal life. Apparently Pascal really digs me. Which complicates things. A lot. I mean... Germany is kind of far away. And we have less than two weeks now. Ahhh shit.

My WTF It's June?!

Yeaa... wtf?

I've taken somewhat of a liking to Pascal. Damnit.

The tea tree oil face was experiment is a success! My complexion is much improved. However, it smells like organic stuff. Not unclean, just not a scent I'm a really big fan of. Very hippie-soap-y. Kind of a dilemma. On the one hand, uber clear complexion. On the other hand, my face smells like weird plants.

I'm really bad at studying.

And I love Transformers.

My Triangle

Wuh oh.

I think I would describe Victor and I as more than friends, but decidedly less than lovers. There's romantic tension that we're both determined not to breach. And although it's sad to think that we won't know what could have become of us, it's for the better. Long distance friendships are difficult enough already.

But then there's Pascal. (Get it? Triangle? It's clever!) There's nothing really different about the situation with him. He's also leaving in two weeks. Except we didn't start off as friends first. We had our hellos and hopped right into unabashed flirting. And our friends have caught on. And even though all we have is 10th and finals weeks, they're all egging us on toward each other. It's all very disconcerting. He is also too hot for his own good. We got sososoooo close to making out last night. It was ridiculous.

The "Disco Bitch" party went from 9 until 4. We were together talking, flirting, drinking, smoking, dancing, etc from 11 onward. Can't deny that there's chemistry... damnit.

Frickin PDA. I can't count how many times we almost kissed and didn't because neither of us are huge fans of macking in plain sight. It's what I hate about parties.

My Tzaziki

About that tzaziki. There were really fresh/ginormous cucumbers for 75 cents each at the fruit stand next to Trader Joe's today, so I bought two with the change I happened to find in my purse. Then I hopped on into TJ's, purchased a tub of nonfat Greek yogurt and some low fat pita chips.

After that, I got a Chipotle burrito for dinner. Finished it while driving back to campus. New record?

To fend off food coma and in anticipation of study-hunger, I grated three quarters of a cucumber, salted it, drained the excess liquid, added lemon juice, garlic, black pepper, dill, and aforementioned yogurt, and set the whole shebang into the fridge to chill.

Vijaya and I finished half of the dip with the pita chips while attempting to study (and watching Hairspray on HBO.) It was delish.

I'm getting kind of antsy about school. I have no motivation to study whatsoever. And in light of how horrendous this year has been for me academically speaking, that is all kinds of no bueno. It's kind of stressing me out. A lot. Booo.

I'm a little bit scared to be alone in this part of my life. I just keep thinking of last summer and how lonely and depressing it was, even though I was hanging out with Mike and Marcus and people. And a lot of my friends are either studying abroad next year or just moving back to their home countries. Plus it's hard to make new friends once you move off campus. It's all exciting and stuff to be taking these steps toward full-fledged adulthood, but every inch I move away from underclassman life terrifies me :(

My Mattress!

That's right. I got it. A full-sized pillow top orthopedic mattress from this sketchass warehouse on Arjons. Seriously, super sketch. But it was less than 250 bucks, tax and delivery included, so I guess it was worth it. I'm kind of super excited to finally have a big ish bed.

Since I must purchase new sheets, I have been debating color schemes and such. And I have decided to go with good ol' plain white. I was inspired by the "Westin heavenly bed." It's just so... classic. And it would go really well with my bedframe and the color of my room. I think simplicity is nice. And it's so much easier to match shit when it's all the same damn color... and I can pour bleach in my wash. Freaking awesome.

Oh shit. That bed is going to be beautiful.

I really hope this all turns out okay. I'm so sick of packing my shit up every few months. Worse yet, leaving half of my shit packed and living out of boxes. I put a lot of time and energy into making some of that space my own. And I'm making a conscious effort to think of things that will help make things more homey. Like house plants. And pictures of my friends and family.

Yea... the thing I really am looking forward to most is making my bed. I love a nicely made bed!

My New Room

It's finally coming together! All of the painting is finished. I bought Joyce's bed and moved it in. Surprisingly, it looks much roomier with some furniture in it.

We got a a floor lamp from IKEA to match the desk lamp I already have. Plus some curtains to hide the sketchy looking blinds. (I also bought a set of shot glasses since they were dirt cheap! As well as a dustpan+hand broom) I unpacked the boxes I moved over today and moved things to their proper corners of the room. And I figured out what I still have yet to buy.

I LOVE my new room :)

There were some really cheap photo frames at IKEA. I think I want to get a whole bunch, stain them black, and decorate my wall with pictures of people I love! And I want to frame Brucey and the Beatles.

Oh... and since there's so much balcony space, I was thinking of getting some plants in some pretty little pots. Maybe a rosemary bush. Maybe a dwarf citrus. Maybe a bigger pot with some basil, thyme, and sage. Maybe all of the above. I can smell the yumminess already!

Ahhhh! I'm so excited about the new place!!! It's beautiful :D

I want to make my bed pretty. Like all of those department store models and shit. Just because I can since I need to buy full-sized sheets anyway! YAY!!!!!

My Lovely Day

I woke up this morning and bummed on my ass watching CNN for a while. Then Umi hit me with a call and we decided to chillax on the beach. AWESOME call.

We were there from 11 until 4. It was glorious. I got a delicious tan and a little bit of red tenderness, but all in a good day's fun, yes? My iPod went through a couple of my favorite albums, and it was just so relaxing and fun to sit out, jam with tunes, and doze away on the warm sand under the San Diego sun. I got a good run through of Demon Days, Evolver, Butterfly, Call Me Irresponsible, Once Again, and Timeless. Loved it.

After that, we pigged out a little at OVT and parted ways.

Mostly chilled after that. Had a good hour long phone conversation with my entire family, Leia included. It's so cute how my brother gets her to growl and bark into the phone on command. I miss my Lei Lei.

Tonight, Victor and I wanted to hang out since both of us happened to not go anywhere for Memorial day weekend. So we got some snacks/drinks and kicked back watching Superman. The 1978 one. It was fun. We made fun of the special effects and talked through most of it. But I still kind of got the gist of the movie. Very friend-y. Meh. Whatever. Friend or otherwise, I'll be sad when he leaves in three weeks :(

Today totally rocked my socks. I'm so excited to have tomorrow off. It's not just the long weekend, but I'm feeling super happy right now :)

My Return

It's been a while since I've posted. I miss this thing!

Today was pretty bombdiggity. The singing with my favorites in Balboa Park for Ken's proposal to Wendy. The ramen n' boba with Jesse and Kristina. The Earl's Place run with Randell and Ayano. The Starbucks/In-N-Out/Old Town stops with Umi. I'm pooped. But I'm happy.

I like this whole singing with awesome people thing. It's fun. Low pressure. High yield. Altogether teh wins.

Random thing. Intermittent fasting has been weird for me. I'm not any skinnier, nor am I feeling any healthier. Here's why: carne asada fries. Tempura. Burritos. Beer. Other unhealthy eats which are eluding my exhausted brain at the moment. I think it might be time to implement a more traditional diet, because I'm clearly not making very healthy consumption choices in my limited eating time frame. Stupid Jen. Bottom line: drink more water and quit eating so much fried shit.

I'm also experimenting with a new face wash. It's this organic shit from Earl's Place. Pricey, but given my excess of meal points, I guess it's not so bad to splurge. I'm going to use this new tea tree oil thing for the next week. Twice a day, as per manufacturer recommendation. It feels really nice on my face so far. If my complexion stops being so retarded, I'll shell out some more meal points for the giant refill bottle. My skin has been kind of weird ever since I started college and I'm not really sure as to whether it's the change in my diet, the loads of sunscreen I slather on, the fact that I wear makeup more often, the slacking in my former diligent skincare regimen, or some combination of the above factors. Either way, I break out way more often than I did in high school, and my skin looks way worse than it did back then. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be the other way around. I guess that means I really need to start taking better care of myself.

I hella gagged while smoking today. Just a stupid/gross side note. Maybe it's a sign? Sometimes I freaking love smoking, but sometimes it really does just make me feel sicknasty.

My Restoration Project

I've gotten past the moping and apathy. It's time to rise up from the ashes. I have people on my side. This is going to be fuckin epic.

Channel the righteous rage, Jennifer. Turn it into something truly incredible.

My Reset

This song sums up my feelings perfectly.

Click to download the cover I did in the wee hours of this morning (read: 2 a.m.)

So this is it. I'm going solo. (I guess this is how Jen Chiu felt...) Funny how it works out like that.

I don't even feel so badly for quitting now. It's funny how a little grilling can turn you around like that. The way Rina sat there, condescendingly explaining to me that I can't always have my way in front of the rest of the 'tones, really irked me. I can understand that she'd be unhappy that I'm leaving, but I thought we were friends. Friends don't act like that. Now I'm just glad to be rid of the whole damn group. No regrets. That shit is ridiculous.

Things that made my day:
1. Getting the townhouse in Scripps Ranch :)
2. Skype-ing my mom and hearing my rendition of "Gravity" playing on repeat in the background

My Duplicate Posting (My Decimation)

So this isn't exactly breaking news, but I quit the Tritones. After reading over a year's worth of Xanga entries... I'm a little surprised that I didn't see this coming. I have posts dating back to Spring quarter of last year contemplating quitting.

November 9, 2008
I've never felt so unfittingly condescended to and unappreciated in my entire life. Unless that changes in the next few months, all I can say is, "Peace out, Tritones."

November 6, 2008
My ability (willingness?) to stick with Tritones is diminishing. Part of it is simply dissatisfaction with the lack of crucial skills in key individuals. Part of it is that I've had it with the attitudes of other individuals.

May 26, 2008
If people aren't willing to appreciate the fact that I am one of very very few actually competent musicians present, I am seriously considering taking my talents elsewhere. The DOTs have good potential. I hate to be that spoiled little kid, but sometimes I don't even want to be a part of Tritones anymore.

And that's just a taste. There were a LOT of Tritones posts.

We were no Hullabahoos or Beelzebubs. But at the very least, Tritones was a respectable a cappella group. Not too shabby for West-coasters. One of the better-known SoCal groups. This is what my apartmentmate, Karen, had to say about us after seeing this year's Ballroom: "Well... you guys were better than the UCSD men's group." Great. We did better than the group that was only founded half a year ago.

It kills me that this is how my collegiate a cappella career is ending. That I couldn't persevere and make it to that tearfully heartfelt pool of sentiment after four happy years of merry music-making. Instead, I spent this year manipulatively playing dumb ("Can we go over this section?") in order to point out musical errors without offending my unseasoned, yet obstinately prideful, roommate-director. You'd all be proud to know what kind of crazed measures I took to avoid bruising her ego. All so that she can now ignore the fact that I exist.

I truly gave my life to this group, often times skipping schoolwork to finish an arrangement or attend a gig. I forsook many a hangout in favor of Tritones commitments. When I was happy, I never felt the need to feel appreciated. I was perfectly content merely doing whatever I could to contribute. But as I became increasingly disillusioned and dissatisfied, lack of gratitude and plain disrespect from the group really started to get to me. And even though I still do and always will love Tritones, nothing will ever undo the immense resentment I have towards certain individuals who have pretty much ruined it.

I think this might be what it's like to be filing for bankruptcy. On the one hand, you have nothing. No assets under your name, no credit score to start building anew with, nada. But on the other hand, you no longer have the weight of insurmountable debt upon your shoulders. And even though it's all a horribly depressing ordeal, the fact is that it's a new beginning.

I'm having trouble adjusting... it's still keeping me up at night. Everything this year could have been still haunts me, and although I've been standing my ground as far as withdrawing my membership goes, there hasn't a day since I quit that I haven't cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I've been locked in my room, hardly ever sleeping. I waste my days singing alone.

Excuse the vicious sentiment... but I almost wish I could watch the whole thing crash and burn without me, just so I can still say "I told you so." I don't care how selfish it may seem. It's damn near 4 a.m. and for the third night in a row, I can't sleep. This has cut me deeper than most people can fathom.

I've been pretty emotional this week. Angry beyond words, morbidly depressed, apathetic, you name it. I'm an amalgamation of every negatively connotated emotion there is.








Most of all, I'm just fucking devastated.

My Aftermath

So now my roommate isn't talking to me.

Shana's begging me to stay. I'm sure Chelsea would if she knew that I'd quit... But I guess it makes sense for me just not to show up. A part of me is still clinging and crossing my fingers for "oh whoops, we were really stupid. Pretty please come back, we promise not to be so retarded again." But at the same time, it's sadly liberating not to have to think about any of that shit.

I'm having trouble letting go. That group was on a pedestal for so long... I can't just spontaneously give up on it, even though I kind of have.

Start another group? With people who don't suck? It's becoming a more and more appealing option. I'm going to be kind of disappointed if this falls through...

My Actual Break-up

Well... it's the end of an abusive relationship.

It started when I merely admired from afar. Stalking online, inadvertently learning the names of people who would eventually become some of my best friends.

When I finally got in after years of dreaming of collegiate a cappella, I completely immersed myself into it, picturing a lifelong relationship... having them sing at my wedding, donating money in the future, supporting the group when I'm old, all that jazz. But after all the effort and devotion I put into it, I just ended up severely disappointed, betrayed, and hurt.

For some reason, I still came back, thinking it could change. That people could get their acts together. That was stupid of me. People don't change over the course of a summer. An irresponsible crackhead who always sings flat is always going to be an irresponsible crackhead... and yea, he still sings flat. And apparently he's driven Rina out of her fucking mind, because I can't think of anything else to explain why she's making such retardedly short-sighted and flat out stupid decisions.

I've been picking up slack, the dinner and shopping tab, and God knows what else for this group. And I feel SO FUCKING USED. So taken advantage of. I'm still fucking pissed about the MD situation this year (just because I live with Rina doesn't mean I should have to be her fuckin music tutor.) I'm sorry, but if I can sightread an arrangement that you slaved over for weeks faster than you can figure it out on your own, then why in FUCK's name are you a fuckin musical fuckin director?

There's so much vocal talent in this year's audition class. A million times more than there was last year. The newbies are the best vocalists in the group. So there's no fuckin reason why this year should be the FUCKIN WORST I have ever heard from Tritones. This year had so much potential and it was utterly wasted. Shana and Chelsea have more experience with musical groups than Rina and Arjun. THEY fuckin know more and have had more constructive insights than both directors combined. I don't favor them for no reason. John is a HUGE talent. I said it at the beginning of the year, and I'll say it again now. John knows his shit. And the boy doesn't fuck around.

I am just so fuckin pissed at this year's shit. It's SHIT. BULLFUCKINSHIT. FUCK ARJUN, FUCK RINA, FUCK TRITONES, FUCK A CAPPELLA, FUCK MUSIC.


Wow. This started as a rationally organized anecdote...

My Disappointing Revelation

Yeah. So they just announced that director auditions this year are up to a vote. A popular vote. What the fucking fuck.

That's it. Fuck Tritones. I am so disappointed right now. As if this year hasn't already let me down enough already. I hate this shit so much right now. I hate Arjun. (OMG we were fuckin outside for the first half hour of rehearsal because the stupid fucker couldn't reserve a damn room properly AGAIN.) I'm fuckin pissed at Rina. I'm just fuckin pissed in general.

Fucking FUCK.

My Shitty Disposition

I'm in a really foul mood today. I don't know what it is, but I really need something to cheer me up.

VA privacy/security training is railing me.

My dad is getting really overprotective all of a sudden, and it's kind of freaking me out. Slash really pissing me off. I understand his concern, but frankly, it's my life, and I'm old enough not to be babied. I love my parents and all, and I hate being in disagreement with them. However, I'm not willing to go about my adult life pending their approval. I've been completely independent for nearly two years now, and to relinquish my power of judgment to them is not appealing. But it looks like I might have to in order to stay on good terms. And that fucking pisses me off.

I know I'm 19. That's young. And right now I may seem like a typical teenager ranting about stupid shit. But for the past twenty months, I've been paying my own rent, tuition, bills, housing, insurance, and other shit... except for my cell phone bill. But I'd happily write a thirty dollar check out to my parents every month if they wanted me to.

I might be young, but I'm not naive. And as much as I hate having to be responsible for my own person, there's no way I could be happy going about on my daddy's coattails. It's just not me.

My Mixed Feelings

So I know I kind of semi broke things off with Mike. And even though I've had my fair share of second thoughts, I think I did the right thing. However, I am still very much physically attracted to him, which makes for a weird kind of understanding that we have. I like to think of us as Ted Mosby and Robin. So I'm one of the guys when we all hang out... but I'm also a girl. I'm trying my best not to be overly explicit.

Then there's this nagging little voice in my head that never quite forgot about this other guy (you can all probably guess without thinking twice) who is 100x more awesome, twice as Asian, and way healthier than Mike. He lacks the Mosby-factor... but he is muy good lookin'. AND he got approached by a modeling agent on library walk today. It's a funny story. I'll tell it sometime.

Mmmmmmmmmmm. Why do I always end up confusing myself? Boo.

Oh yea. And there are lots of pretty places to live out there. I'm kind of excited :D

My Break-up

I ended things with Mike on Sunday. That whole train wreck was never going to end up anywhere. Plus I'm pretty sure he's more of a player/dick than he lets on. Actually, I'm positive that he's a huge slut in hiding. I'd bet my life savings. Such a pity considering he looks exactly like Ted Mosby... except taller and more built. Actually, that probably explains why I think he's a manwhore.

Kind of weird. We were never an item. But there was still always a certain degree of possessiveness about our, for lack of a better term, relationship. That was strangely comforting, yet foreign and discombobulating at the same time.

And frankly, he's totally too old for me. The rule goes "divide by two and add seven." The youngest girl he's "allowed" to date is 20. I'm not 20. It shouldn't matter, but it still weirds me out.

His ex-girlfriend graduated from the same high school that I did! In fact, she graduated from MSJHS the same year I graduated elementary school.

"I was Sporty Spice for Halloween..."
"Hawtttttt."
"...when I was 9."

It's kind of weird.

He took it all too calmly though. The last time I broke up with a genuinely looking-to-settle-down guy, he cried on my shoulder in my dorm lounge until 5 a.m. the day I had a chem midterm. That did not kick off our post-break-up to a good start. My point is, Mike wasn't bummed out enough to have been attached. So all is well. It also means he's one of those "I've still got plenty of game left in me" guys...

Yea. Minor detail. We're not dating, but we're still kind of together.

COME ON! He looks like Ted Mosby. Forgive me.

My Proposed Schedule

By...

10 am - finish putting the last touches of this song in!
11 am - start wash cycles for all that sorted laundry...
12 pm - organize my room
1 pm - finish laundry
2 pm - eat and chill the fuck out
6 pm - study the first 1.5 chapters of ochem
7 pm - eat and chill the fuck out
11 pm - finish studying the last 1.5 chapters of ochem
12 am - do the practice midterm
1 am - review the practice midterm
2 am - be in bed

It's going to be a long day guys.

My Dedication

I'm actually doing something productive. I mean... I guess I'm not anymore, but I was being quite the dedicated little musician not so long ago. And I'm using a certain Hello Kitty mouse because Finale and touchpads are not friends. That mouse makes me smile every single time I use it.

It's been a really long time since I've arranged music. About a whole quarter. Holy shit. But I always find myself arranging a fuckton of music whenever midterms roll around, so it might not be so much as a rejuvenation of my love for a cappella as it is a mode of procrastination. Y'all know my M.O. way too well.

It's an important song to me. I doubt it's gotten radio time, but I know that it's a special song to others too. And when we sing it at Warren show, it's going out to a few key people who I know will be there :)

To put it in plain words without giving too much away, this is a song definitely worth my time. It's a return to an older school of a cappella. A simplistic yet elegant melody, accompanied by full-bodied harmonies. I kind of fuckin love it. Never ever am I arranging something I don't 100% want to arrange just because nobody else can or will. If I'm going to do this shit, it's going to fuckin be for me. And that's that.

Man I am in fuckin love with this song. I also say the word "fuck" a lot.

My Impending Break

Mike's two months is almost up. Wednesday marks the end. I'm a little sad to see this one go, especially considering all this time during Lent that we've just been chilling. He was surprisingly understanding about Lent.

But I can't break rule number one again. I've broken it too many times, and I've learned from those mistakes. Attachment has never gotten me anywhere but the bottom of many many bottles. The verdict is in. He's a chill, good-natured guy and a lot of fun to be with, but he's not someone I can afford to fall for. And that's why it has to end. Sadly, but surely.

Am I crazy? Am I overthinking it? Am I too harsh? Feelings are so complicated :(

My 24-Hour Funfest

I did end up working for a few hours on Friday. And I got to eat lunch with Sarah :) It was short and sweet. We need to hang out forreal ASAP!

Then my girls and I hit up UTC for bra shopping. I was all sad because I thought I'd have to shell out a crapload of cash for my feminine attire necessities. BUT, I got everything I was looking for about half of what I was expecting to pay. Huzzah :)

After that was the hat-tricking kickback at PC East and YoWo with Wilmz and co. Freaking awesome. I've missed those fools!

My friend's housewarming party was next. Mike picked me up at my apartment at seven and off we went! Beer pong and other fun activities to the hundredth power happened. Mike and I are an unstoppable team. For some reason, I had this crazy streak of making a cup every single round. I think it's Jared's table. Something about it all of sudden makes me a good beer pong player.

We all slept over at Jared's. I woke up with a mild hangover, which went away after a little one-on-one with the porcelain god and some water. Most manageable hangover ever. Mike and I got a late brunch together and then we went to his place and took a nap on his couch. And now I'm back at my place.

So much fun.

I need to crack down and get some work done now, but later I'm off to Rick's place to play some more beer pong. Woot!

I really like this work hard, play hard philosophy. I wasted way too much time last quarter. I wouldn't be having any fun. And I wouldn't be getting anything productive done either. This is infinitely better :)

My First Week

I've been pretty freaking good this week. On top of everything! So I decided to reward myself a little today.

Ben and I hit up the pub after our o-chem lecture. Since I'm still ahead on schoolwork, I also went to Pizza Port with a few friends for dinner. Freaking delicious. BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger pizza ftw!

It feels good to have fun without fear of repercussions. Staying ahead of the game might be a good idea. I have more fun that way.

I haven't gone to work at all this week... but whatever. I'd rather not run into Marcus. He acts so damn weird nowadays. Even though we are friends and stuff, I'm kind of relieved that he's only sticking around for another half year. I don't know how much more of his attentions I can take. I was pretty ahead in my experiments from overtiming so much last quarter anyway.

Friday... I only have one eight am. Lingerie shopping sometime in the afternoon with my girls from high school. In between those, I think I'll get some homework out of the way. And then I can play play play :)

Spring quarter is my favorite :)

My Springy Steps

New haircut, new computer, newly organized room, new classes. It's no wonder I've got a spring in my step. New Asian drama too, although I should probably keep all that jazz to a minimum. I still feel superasian. It's going to take a while to wear off, I think.

I'm trying to spend less of my downtime locked up by myself. Like today, I went over to Rick's apartment and we had dinner and talked and watched HIMYM and chilled. It was fun. Accomplished! I'm also making an effort to dress like I give a damn when I go to class (yes, I'm going to class now) and smudge on some sunscreen and mascara too. I'm also doing my best to keep my room clean and organized, for the most part.

It's kind of working. But then again, I've only been back for a day.

I'm newly addicted to Post-It notes. And Stickies on my Mac :) It feels good to write things down. Everything becomes less of a burden.

I can't believe I forgot how good it feels to be all organized and OCD-y :)

Overall, I'm feeling a lot happier nowadays. Maybe it's Spring. Maybe it's the cleanliness. Either way, things are finally looking up. I love this feeling.

My Little Quarter...

Quick update.

I have my Macbook now. I'm still learning the ropes and stuff, but I think I'm a little bit in love. It's so pretty! :)

Seattle/Tacoma was two parts rainy, one part depressing, five parts food-filled, and fifty parts loving. My family is as awesome and confusing as ever.

OK. Back to my little quarter. For whatever reason, every time I reconnect with my maternal family, I get all weird and Korean-y for a while. After I got back from Washington, I restocked on Isa Knox makeup, bought a fuckton of napa cabbage and garlic, whined at Mike on the phone, camera-whored, and listened to a lot of Rain. I finally got my hair cut because my mom didn't want my grandma to see me looking "like a refugee," and I look pretty fobby too.

This shall pass. Eventually.

I need to find a place to live soon. And I should probably start car-shopping too... dangit. I hate spending big money >:O

My Disappointment

No Miller High Life for 2 bucks. Lots of Arrogan Bastard and pear cider. And Magners. I'm good and drunk, but still not relieved. Why have you let me down, alcohol? I don't want to feel feelings. Help me forget already.

I spent way too much money at the pub tonight. But I know I'll be back tomorrow. This isn't over yet. Life is good. Why am I so miserable?

My Bad

Looks like Winter quarter 2009 isn't going to go down so hot. I'm still struggling to find tenants for the house in San Leandro. Taiwanese real estate taxes are catching up to me. My lungs are being coughed out of my body. I need new glasses. Grandma's in intensive care, and I need to go to Seattle to help her set her affairs straight... and see her again. Just in case.

There's karaoke at the pub tonight. I don't very much care about that. I just hope they're still serving two dollar pints. If anything can make me feel fewer feelings, it's a fuckton of cheap beer.

School is eating me alive. I need a break.

My Observation

I'm procrastinating. What else is new?

More often than not, I feel as though I don't deserve the companionship, friendship, adoration, doting, etc, of my present company. What bothers me is somewhere along the lines of me being a corrupting influence, a complete bitch, or some combination of the two in comparison. I guess I just feel bad for not being good. This is especially so when my sinfully persuasive tongue sways the will of innocent beings to submit to the usual mischief I so often find myself partaking in: drinking. It happens a lot. No joke.

I took two of my friends to the pub with me last night to meet up with some of my other friends. I bought a lot of beer for them. I'm also the youngest among us. It just works.

Call me a recipe for disaster, but I've found that as long as I look like I know what I'm doing, and as long as I look like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, nobody ever asks me any questions. I've been carded there once. Without so much as a flustered blink, out came the VA Hospital ID from work and an apologetic smile. Then, throwing a wave and a wink at Stephan, the owner, I asked the minimum wage monkey what he'd like to drink, and told him to put a pint of it on my open tab. Sometimes I really do surprise even myself.

I should go back to my old sociopathic tendencies. Nobody benefits from nights out with me. I feel responsible for the systematic denting of academic records. As well as the monster hangovers that ensue when my (tiny) iHousemates try to keep up with my alcohol habit. I haven't stuck a gun to anyone's head and classically coerced my friends to drink up. But I can't say that I'm making an exceptionally good impact on the lives of those around me. All I can say is... at least I'm not a bore?

About that alcohol. It's a truth serum. I love my friends, God save them, but you all know how I'm short-tempered and easily annoyed, yes? I don't need lectures coming from the girl whose hair I'm holding on the bathroom floor of the pub bathroom in between spews of vomiting. Firstly, it's nauseating to listen to. Secondly, I'm not the one paying homage to the porcelain gods. That's my peeve.

In vino veritas, I know. Souls are bared, and it's unfortunate that the uncensored drunken rants which are so revealing of naked character, tend to be so damn annoying. Or maybe I'm just easily annoyed.

Why am I even writing this? I have a massive headache, a sore throat, and a desperate thirst for some Irish coffee. Or straight scotch. And a cigarette to go with. Haven't smoked all damn day...

My Plan Of Action

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to pretend I know nothing about my friend/coworker's advances, which is pretty legit because I did manage to pass out the night of all the shenanigans. And I'm going to kind of cling on to Mike a little bit, as opposed to keeping him at somewhat of a distance as I have been doing. Hopefully that sends a message? Hopefully?

On a side note, I'm really happy about having lunch with Sarah and Wilmar today. I miss you guys too much when we don't hang out. And I FREAKING LOVE the Hello Kitty mouse thing. I'm so excited. I'm going to get one of those plastic cover things for my Macbook. And it's going to be red to match. And I'm going to plaster it with Hello Kitty shit. I love you guys.

As for other stuff in my life... I want to help out Rina with Tritones stuff. She has so much on her plate as it is. But sometimes I feel like it really isn't my responsibility to be doing what she delegates for me to do. Yet I can't turn her down because she is my friend, I live with her, and I feel guilty if I don't help her to the best of my ability. It's kind of stressful having so much under-the-table responsibility without any real authority to back up my actions. To sum up my feelings towards Tritones right now, I'd say that I just feel really used; frankly, I'm pretty sick of feeling that way.

F complications. I just want to hang out with my friends and family. I'm so done with this quarter.

My Lame Personal Life

Life is getting more and more complicated as days go by. And I am going to go out on a limb and say that this is totally not my fault.

I chilled things with Mike. That turned out to be Marcus' signal to move in. Very not OK. I'm stupid when I'm drunk, and I'm drunk for the vast majority of times I'm not working. Put two and two together and that's just all kinds of not good. Long story short, I'm up to my eyes in stupid relationship issues that I really don't want to be a part of. M & M are roommates, I work with one of them, I've been dating the other, and then there's our friend other Mike. SJFKLAKLSJOIE.

I am so frustrated. Why does this tend to happen to me? If I didn't know any better, I'd say that I'm somehow managing to unwittingly self-sabotage my personal life, because this shit is cyclic. I don't ask for this. By any means.

My Lazy Thursday

I am so tired. After the whole VA Merit Grant dealio last night, we went out and got our drink on. We really got our drink on. We drank. We raged. We even karaoke'd. It was ridiculous.

I bought a few rounds of drinks for our circle... which is saying something because in addition to myself, there was Marcus, SARS, D.J., Kris, Wes, and Volpato. I'm not going to complain about it because they've all bought me many many beers. I also ran into my o-chem professor. We had drinks and talked for a while. He suggested that I go to office hours.

I spent so much money at the Pub last night... but that's OK because I have 2 months worth of paycheck comin' my way tomorrow!!!!!!!!!

My Shit Show

It's not even 9 and I'm drunk as the dicens. nopt really wasted yet, but I'm fucken drunkkkkk. It's great. I love it. And now I'm gonna eat./

My Secrets

I guess I usually come off to people as pretty open as far as sharing goes. But truth be told, there are a lot of things that nobody but myself knows.

It just so happens that I got the "sit down, we need to talk" from yet another pair of concerned friends last night. It happens every year. I'm never really in the mood to be lectured (which explains why I never attend class) and this episode of suffocatingly overbearing mollycoddling, for one reason or another, irked me, and I let slip a piece of information, a secret, that I immediately regretted uttering. They can say that it doesn't change things as much as they like. But I know that it has, like it always does.

Even though I know they do it out of love and genuine concern, I can't help but think that I hire professionals to take care of that shit. I want my friends to be my friends, not my psychoanalysts. I just want to go about the rest of my life as normally as I can, but it seems like every time I try to start over clean, something has to happen that throws equilibrium to the shit hole

Girls can be so damn annoying sometimes. Diagnosing everyone they meet with whatever the last mental health problem featured in Cosmopolitan was. So you've taken a psych class. Good for you. Doesn't mean you know jack shit. Yea, I'm bitter and kind of pissed.

I've been in and out of the OR for ten years. I've been on and off meds for the same amount of time. In that time frame, there are ten times I should have died, but didn't. My question is, "What makes you think you can do so much better than the efforts hundreds of people over the course of a decade to fix this mess?"

My Independence

I'm beginning to think that I wasn't cut out for a conventional relationship. I tend not to be emotionally attached to people, and I'm not very much a fan of sentimental shit. I have to be alone for a good part of my days. It really bothers me when I don't have that luxury. And although I've never really had any problems with fidelity, the very premise of commitment scares the crap out of me. The "c" word just evokes images of iron maidens in my mind. Torturous entrapment.

I know I'm overthinking things, and I know that's all kinds of horrible. But on the other hand, I can't just let slide the fact that I'm terribly unsettled by my current predicament. I definitely need some more time to consider things. In the meantime, I have to officially officially turn down Vegas this coming weekend (sad, I know) to slow things down. We're having K-BBQ at his place the weekend after that, so that should give me plenty of time to clear my head and perhaps not be so freaked out.

On a side note, I found out today that my blog reads like the "Norah" chapters in the Infinite Playlist book that got made into a movie starring that dude in Juno.

My Emancipation

(Of Mimi) I really like that CD right now. I'm not too sure why. She sounds shouty... and a little bit like she's been smoking too much, but I still love Mariah.

I've learned from my previous experiences. Or at least I like to think that I have. Thing is, this thing I have with this new guy isn't going anywhere. I know it. We talked. He knows it. I hope. I've been perfectly straightforward. No excuses now.

So there we go. I'm very loosely attached. It's all good.

My Pleasant Surprise

I had a good weekend. Shakespeare's Pub was fun, and I had a great time getting drunk with my single friends. We watched a lot of Sealab 2021. I smoked a lot of cigarettes... with Mike. We also got around to doing other things, but that's another post for another day.

We went to dim sum this morning around 11. Then we hit up YoWo. Smoked some more. I don't really know what to say. I think I've just been unofficially boy-ed. Wow.

My Valentine

y'all should meet him. Him name's Sutter. And he's a bottle of wine. I'm meeting up with Captain Morgan later too. And probably Jose Cuervo as well. I refuse to believe that SAD is single's awareness day. It's SIT AND DRINK Day. That's that. I love it.

My friends and I might be hitting up karaoke later. And then I'm going to Shakespeare's pub tonight. With friends. To get piss drunk. And maybe sleep with "Ted Mosby" Mike. I'm horrible. (And then I committed sins of the flesh... several times in succession.)

I'm drunkish already. It's the middle of the day. But it's happy hour somewhere, which is some kind of consolation. F man.

Sutter misses me. I'm gonna go finish him off. Happy Vday, all. I'm really dirty, huh? I'm also kinda drunkish. Almost. Gettin' there.

My Weirdass Day

So weird.

So I got ridiculously drunk with my coworker and some of his friends. They are my pet dinosaurs. And I'm the token baby. It's weird how Porter's Pub doesn't card. I haven't really hung out with them since summer, and I guess it was really fun. Object of the night: get the student drunk. Student: me.

So I crashed last night and woke up in time to take two quizzes. After my calc quiz, I walk up to turn it in. (It's funny how AP calc is sailing me through sophomore year of college... I should write my old teacher a card.)

I flash my student ID to a very familiar face. He says to me, "so I see you've recovered well, Jen." which I, in turn, think is a very odd thing for a professor to say. I quickly look up, and in the time that elapsed while dumb realization took over my face, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Of course I wouldn't have recognized him since I have only been to one calculus lecture this quarter. But surely enough, I had been piss drunk at the pub with my professor. My professor has seen me drunk out of my mind. My professor has seen me recite the ABCs backwards. My professor partook in the systematic inebriation of a student. My professor has bought me beer. (Little Devil, btw. Freaking good.) And what did I say? "Hi, Jared...Um. Professor...Jared." I never did get around to learning last names.

We had lunch and stuff afterwards. I think it's acceptable, considering we first met in a social context rather than an academic one. But it's strange, all the same, now knowing that he is actually a professor. MY professor, at that. We talked mostly of our mutual friends and such. He asked me what it was like working with Marcus. I asked him how they had met. Good stories. I had never envisioned myself as the kind to befriend a professor, but I guess I kind of have.

On second thought, however, I don't think I should go to Vegas with my dinosaurs next weekend... turns out Professor Jared is going, and I'd really rather not push my luck. Imagine if I had gone without knowing and things somehow got out of hand...

This is probably the most bizarre thing that has ever happened to me. Ever.

M Y CRUNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I am so durhnkkkkk. It's great. I ahven't ben drunk for ages. And it's fuc kin ASEWDOMEEEEEWEEEEEEEEE.

Why am I blogggingg right now? I doan't know. IW'm just druhnk and being retaredc. Myh coworkers decvided that I neeeded to get drunk, so no I am. SO DRUHNK. And itg's not even 8. IU can't tyhpe properlyh. It suxcks. but whateverf.

I thinik i'm gonna die. Everyh single one of my cowoerkers bought me a beeeerrrrr. AN dnwo I'm asfdkjlaow3irefhwxz. FRIGGGBHEN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I need to eat soemthign. tttoooooo cruhnkkkkk.

My Bitchy Sort Of Lunch Thing

I had to get lunch with this dude today. Same dude that I've been trying to avoid the attentions of for the past few weeks. Anyway.

I woke up and threw on running shorts, Ugg boots, and a basketball t-shirt. I made myself freaking as grody as UCSD-ly possible. I showed up at the Triton statue at 12 on the dot while smoking a cigarette. Keep in mind, this was all premeditated. We went inside and got food, and I tried to emanate friend vibes as much as possible. Then we settled at a table outside due to lack of seating. And then I asked if he would mind if I smoked while we were eating... and promptly lit up. Chain smoked like it was the end of the world. Let awkward silences drag on for as long as possible. Hopefully I came off as unattractive enough to quit pursuing. I really don't want to have to sit him down and tell him the plain and simple truth. This is me being a chicken.

But whatever works, right? I'm not much of a nice confrontational type. It used to be that I'd just laugh or glare if someone I wasn't interested in asked me out. But this guy's actually kind of nice, and I like to think that I've matured since high school. I really should get a hang of the gentle letdown approach, though. It'd make life easier. And that way I wouldn't have to act like a total Dbag either.

Why do I only attract guys I'm not interested in? Why am I always attracted to guys who aren't interested? I'm like... the queen of incompatibility. I swear... ever since I started college, life has been treating me as such. It's kind of annoying.

My Revelations In Full

Sometime about an hour ago, I decided that I should just get on with my life and lay my cards out on the table. This is the hand I've been dealt, and there's really no use in hanging onto them any longer. So that's what I did. I made a quick phone call and got it all over with. I didn't have any real expectations, which is all well and good because he told me exactly what I expected to hear: that he didn't really see me that way. And that's cool.

The more I think about it, the happier I am with how this whole shenanigan has culminated. My anxiety has quickly dissipated, and I get to be myself again around a totally cool guy with whom I am definitively "just friends." It's not so bad.

Now onto my previous revelation.

I think I've gotten the point across in this blog, as well as in my Xanga, that Tritones has been a touchy subject in my life. I don't know if I've ever been so hurt by anything in my entire life. It has cost me more tears than all of the other aspects of my existence put together. Yet the potential this group has lies dormant, just waiting to surface. I believe. No. I know that we could be the best. And I want to be the one to take us there. I know my capabilities, and I've made it my personal mission to take first at ICCA next year. For Rina. To flaunt it in the faces of everyone who didn't have faith in me.

As for UCSD, I've spent too much time here. Too much money. I've made far too many beloved friends. I can't leave. I can't bring myself to do it. With a new school comes new problems and new heartaches. At least here, I know what I am up against, and I have the most amazing and wonderful support group of incredible loved ones to help me through any and every which dilemma that presents itself. I love you guys more than silly blog entries can convey.

So that's that. I'm set on staying. Next year is going to be very different. All of you know that it isn't like me to settle. This shit is getting whipped into shape. It is my ultimate dream to make your hearts burst with pride.

My Revelation

I think I've had an epiphany. I won't explain it right now, but as much as it breaks my heart to turn away from the dream I've longed to escape to, I don't believe I will be leaving UCSD next year. Or the Tritones.

I'll explain sometime. I promise.

My Day Of

Yea... it's competition time. We leave in an hour. Right now, I'm deciding what to wear there. And I'm hoping it won't rain. I hope everything goes smoothly.

My Reluctant Competition Business

Tritones is deeply in the red right now. At least it is with me. I'm owed damn near 400 dollars in ICCA uniform money. Plus another hundo for dinner last weekend. And quite a bit more in odds and ends that I have yet to look up receipts for. I'm hardly one to be stingy, but five hundred dollars is a difficult sum to glance over, and reimbursement has yet to find its way back to me.

So this is what it's like to be a sugar mama. My absurdly extensive credit limit: just one more thing in a list of my available resources to exploit. I will be spending my Friday night polishing 7 pairs of shoes and lacquering a good 40-50 or so fingernails with French tips. Day of, I'll be ironing dress shirts and applying fake lashes. What can I say? I'd make an excellent butler if I weren't so adverse to being servile.

Thankfully, Chelsea and Shana will be caking show-choir-worthy makeup on the girls' faces. Rina's got the guys covered, as well as the girls' hair. And well... everyone else will just have to dress themselves and avoid excessive fidgeting.

ICCA is a tedious affair for the not-so-clueless.

At least I can look forward to seeing some of my favorite people in the audience. All I want is to make the people I love proud. If placement happens to come along with that, well then. Maybe all this mess will have been worth it.

For now, I'm still as tired as ever. Granted it is getting late.