My Calm Before the Storm

I've had trouble with relationships. It's a recurring pattern in my life. Ever since John and I's back and forth double-timing. Ever since Ray left for his tour in Iraq.

More so, ever since Ray passed. Just days before he should have been coming home to Fremont. A mere week before he was to move to San Diego to start school. Here. At UCSD. We broke off whatever it is we shared two years ago, but when he deferred enrollment to serve, we had an understanding that he'd be back. It was a mutually unsaid agreement, hope even, that our story was, perhaps, not quite finished.

He wasn't good for me. I started smoking for him. I snuck out of night because of him. When he went to military school, I continued my delinquent behavior, playing the part of misguided juvenile to a T. But some kinds of chemistry aren't governed by logic or rules. I was young, stupid, and immensely attracted to him. Old habits die hard. I fell for him in the seventh grade. Those feelings never completely died until... well... now. Damn near a decade later.

There had always been lingering emotions. All throughout college. With every crush, with every random boy, there was always an inkling that Ray would eventually be back. I understand now that all he wanted was for me to be happy. He didn't want me entering a brand new stage of my life tied to a Marine on tour. He wanted me to have peace of mind. For me to find someone who could care for me. I know that now. Years late. But better late than never.

I've snapped out of it. He's gone now. And there's nothing he would have despised more than to see me emotionally disconnected from anyone who ever comes close to a relationship. Sleeping around because I avoid any other kind of intimacy. Until now, I have only made friends in college. Whether they be family-like relationships or ones packed with sexual tension, they have all been friends and nothing more, nonetheless. No matter how much I tried to make it otherwise just for the sake of having a damn boyfriend.

I haven't felt so free for a long time. Haven't felt so elated over matters of men... ever. Is that how love is?

I have to go get some more studying done. But I leave this post with one word: Pascal.