My Moxie

In some respects I'm rather moxious. I don't care if Mozilla's telling me that's not a word.

I am very determined, and I like to think that I have the drive (most of the time...) to be the best at the things I do. It's something I take great pride in.

People have told me that I come off as intimidating. I guess that's because I have high expectations for myself, which translates into high expectations for my teammates, classmates, coworkers, and students. I demand perfection, and I don't settle. Countless mice have been sacrificed to perfect my cardiac puncture. Choristers have endured 6 hour rehearsals under my lead. Pianists have cried while being asked to play the same arpeggios hundreds of times for the sake of establishing decent technique. Miles and miles of extra soccer drills were run under my captainship. Point made, I think?

Nobody ever wants to do the work I think is necessary. It's not fun to sing the same two or three measures twenty times in a row. It's not fun to pass the ball when you can hardly see it because the sun's gone down. But they always appreciate it at the finish line. When we win state cup. When we get papal performance invitations. When initiated into the Young Artists Guild. It's times like those when I can finally rest, knowing I've completed a job well.

Give me some young musicians to mentor, and I'll happily oblige. Granted I've led most of them for several years while I was in high school and they pretty much think I'm a god. That makes it all easier... but easy or not, I thrive on shit like that.

But when stuff doesn't go so well... it kills me more than I think it kills anyone else. I don't really know where this post is headed. I'm a little angry and a little sad. But most of all, I feel powerless and massively disappointed with this year.

A. Deal with it. <-- Not looking forward to it.
B. Coup d'état that shit. <-- Somewhat tempting
C. Fuck it and quit. <-- Very tempting.
D. Beg to join The Beat. <-- ÜBER tempting.

My Song

I wrote a song a while back. I don't know why I didn't post it then. Probably because I'm depressing enough without an emo soundtrack to go with my blog. Actually, I haven't recorded it yet. I plan on it... eventually.

Guess what it's about. I dare you.

Was it not you I longed and hoped for?
Was it not you I watched from afar?
Bigger than the world to me,
There was no other I'd admire.

Was it not you who said you wanted me?
Was it not you who took me in?
Had me wrapped around your finger,
I never saw what was comin'.

You took me for granted,
Loved me, said you meant it,
Now I know that you just used me.
You crept into my dreams,
I woke up with a scream.
Give me peace and let me be.

Was it not you I slaved and sweated for?
Was it not you I gave my heart to?
Sleepless nights and all the tear-stained fights,
Yea it was you. It was you...

You took me for granted,
Loved me, said you meant it,
Now I know that you just used me.
You crept into my dreams,
I woke up with a scream.
Give me peace and let me be.

Through the good and the bad,
You were all that I had.
Made me laugh, made me cry.
Just give back what was mine.
My will to live. Give back my tearless nights.

Was it not you who praised my talents, and
Didn't you say I'd be your perfect Queen?
Then turned around and tore my heart in two,
Spilled my blood, leaving me to clean.




Yea. It's really depressing. The melody I have for it is kind of too happy. A little too Carrie-Underwood-y. Until I can fully express just how angsty and emo this song really is, I won't be singing it for anyone.

First person to guess what this song is about gets massive brownie points.

My Rainy Night

I love rain. It's so beautiful and refreshing. I love standing in the rain by myself. It's as though, even if just for a few minutes, my life is like one of those cheesy movies.

If you haven't already noticed, I'm totally not in school mode. I'm just counting down until my flight home. This whole sleep thing isn't really working for me because I'm so damn excited to chill with my family and play with my dog and eat home-cooked meals and listen to my brother being a musical genius. Also, beer pong.

Not that going home is going to be all that relaxing... there's still Thanksgiving dinner to cook and seventy something auditionees to sift through.

I kind of wish I could have a cigarette right now... just so that I can have one of those emo smoking-in-the-rain moments. For some reason, those moments make me feel really happy. Maybe it's because they remind me of my earlier days back home.

I should take a picture and post it or something, but at the end of my neighborhood, there's this breathtaking view of the bay. That includes a bridge or two (depending on the fog situation) and city lights all around. It's stunning. In fact, I have this New Years tradition with my group of childhood friends. Probably 12-14 of the past New Years have been spent at my house with them. Ever since we were 13, we'd all peace out of my house a few minutes short of midnight, skipping out on the fobby countdown, and walk to the cul de sac, where the crazy view is. Then we'd tipsily sit on the fence, eventually stumbling our way over to the very very end of the hill, 70 meters or so away from where the street ends. And we'd have long conversations, just to catch up on all of our lives. Because even though we are best friends, and we have been for over 18 years... and we all go to UCSD now... for some reason, we never really talk a whole lot except for on these rare get-togethers. I just thought of "Brighter Than Sunshine" for some reason. It's such a depressing happy song. I love my besties so much.

There's something magical about this time of the year. Screw summer, I love the holidays. Infinite vacation time, being around people I love, using the people I love as an excuse not to be with people I don't love. It's great.

Relient K's Christmas album doesn't hurt either...

My Big Whoops

I really meant to go to my 8 am today. Seriously. Y'all have probably figured by now that I didn't.

In fact, I only just woke up half an hour ago. After a quick washing up, I nuked a bowl of corn soup I made yesterday. STILL GOOD! I posted the recipe on my personal blog... but I guess there's no harm in posting it again. I'm very proud of how cheap it is to make that stuff. And it's pretty damn baller too...

Jen's Broke-College-Student Ultimate Cold Day Comfort Food Corn Soup

Approximate cooking + prep time: 10 minutes

2 Cans canned corn (creamed-style)
1 Can chicken broth
0.5 Can SPAM, medium diced
1 egg, lightly beaten
Salt and pepper, to taste

Lightly brown the diced SPAM. Open the cans and dump them all in. Bring to a boil. Slowly stir in the beaten egg (like in egg drop soup!), then season according to taste and serve. I don't add salt because SPAM is kind of salty, but a little bit of pepper is nice :)


What can I say? I'm a college student. Canned food and I are best friends. And ramen too, I guess.

I'm debating whether I should go to any of my lectures today... I'm kind of not really feelin' it. There's no turning back. I'm officially in holiday mode.

My Musicking

My academic load is pretty light. It's not that I don't have anything to do, it's just that the concepts I have yet to solidify are not in urgent need of being learned right now. Which is just as well because a nice heaping portion of musical shit has been dumped on my plate.

It's on me to arrange whatever song we decide to do for Tritones' ICCA set. I'll find that out at noon tomorrow.

It's also on me to audition and select members, as well as arrange a repertoire for a high-school-aged female a cappella ensemble. Also to direct and mentor them. And perform with them. What I'm saying is that I kind of have lots of stuff to do. Which is why I'm up so late. Right now I'm jazzifying "When You Wish Upon A Star" of Jiminy Cricket fame, and will hopefully be sending out pdf files not too long from now. Lucky for me, my pool of auditionees are all musicians. I love it when people can read music. I love it even more when people can sing what's written. It's magical.

Kidding. That's how music groups should be. I'm just bitter. People never cease to surprise me! I've found that my perception of incompetence is constantly being redefined.

Done ranting. I have work to do. I must press on!

I have also been assigned the daunting task of cooking Thanksgiving dinner... but that's woes and wearies for another post.

My Productivity

I spent a good 5 hours at a tea house today listening to genetics lectures and taking notes on stuff I missed the first time around. See? I am an overachiever. Minus the times I ditch. All in all, I feel like today was very productive and I'm proud of myself for accomplishing what I had set out to do this afternoon.

Afterwards, a few of my roomies and I went to WalMart and bought a fuckload of yarn. I taught them to knit. And then I started crocheting a neck muff. So far it's pretty cute. Not too bad considering Rina only just taught me to crochet on Thursday. Yea. I don't know why I've gotten so craftsy all of a sudden. I feel like a really bored grandma or something. But grandmas probably don't listen to podcasted lectures while they make stuff out of yarn. Just a guess.

It's getting really late. My sleep schedule's a little out of whack, I think. Time to peace out. Or crochet some more.

My Underachieving

Skip skip skip. Skip to my lou?

Loo loo loo... I got some apples. Loo loo loo you got some too.

Plus side: I haven't be sleeping until 2 in the afternoon. Seriously, there were a couple days not so long ago I just got up at 2, brushed my teeth and had a quick smoke, and crawled right back into bed to sleep until dinnertime. It didn't make a whole ton of sense to say the least.

Downside: Even though I'm getting up normally and not smoking, I'm still skipping out on class and work. I'm kind of sick. Ish.

Less than a week until I'm finally home. Less than a week until Thanksgiving! Yea... I'm so over this whole school deal. Game over.

My Overachieving?

Maybe I am a little bit. I dragged my ass out of bed at 4:18 this morning (two snoozes) and walked to work at the VA. Clocked in at 5 a.m. And here I am. Still. I haven't really taken any breaks, so I've done my solid 8 hours. But I think I'll stick around for just a little longer. At least until I'm done logging my day into my lab notebook. It's pretty chartreuse!

I took the blood glucose levels of mice today. Never thought I'd do that. I spent years watching all my older family members do that. To themselves, not to mice. It's a little trippy I guess. If I don't watch my weight and what I eat, I could very well find myself measuring blood sugar every day...

I'm pretty much done with stuff. Minus all the little bottles of organs floating in formalin still need to be made into a catalog. Whoops. Another time, I guess.

Payce for now, hogz. I'm gonna get some rest, unwind a little, and brace myself for stupidass rehearsal.

My Ugly Schedule

Next quarter's schedule did not turn out as prettily as I would've liked.

Calculus, organic chemistry, 2 series physics, and general chemistry lab. Not pretty.

On another note, I'm going to try to catch up on some work tomorrow. So I'm off to bed now, looking to wake up around 4. Looking to get to work by 5. Looking to clock out by 2.

My Recurring Ditching Disasters

I think that skipping work has become a sort of addiction for me. There's a degree of thrill-factor in this whole staying in bed until 1 pm deal. At least I'll have a valid excuse for skipping my 8 am lecture tomorrow. That being that I have to sign up for next quarter's classes smack dab in the middle of it and there's no internet reception in my underground lecture hall.

Next quarter's classes. Whew. After adjusting for classes that have been filled, my Winter quarter schedule now looks like it's going to be Calculus, Chemistry Lab, Organic Chemistry, and Bacteriology. Definitely an easier load than I had originally anticipated. Probably a good thing.

I've also decided not to take any classes before 11 pm. And I've decided that five minutes is the longest I'll walk for any of my classes. It works out.

To take my mind off of more depressing matters, dI watched a lot of Food Network today. Then I planned out my shopping list for Thanksgiving. This year, in addition to my own 4-person family, we're having 12 other relatives over to celebrate. That's a relatively small number. That's just four of my dad's 10 siblings and their families. Factor in the fact that my brother eats like three adults, and that's 18 people to cook for. My mom bought a bird, and has put it in the refrigerator to defrost. We've already planned a massive grocery shopping trip on my way home-home from Mineta Int'l. Next Wednesday night, it's going to be family time and Thanksgiving prep. Thanksgiving day is going to be infinite hours in the kitchen.

My dad's purchased a lot of apple cider (nonalcoholic for his partially-livered ass and the kids), Choya plum wine for the older folks, and good old Taiwanese TsingTao beer for the normal ones in the family. My brother's in high school. He's a ridiculously popular fellow. The inevitable has come to pass, and as hard as he tried to hide it from me, I know he drinks like a sailor. The boy takes after myself and my father before me.

Therefore, once everyone has slipped into food coma dreamland, dear David and I are going to, once again, engage in some long-awaited sibling rivalry. That's right. Me. Him. Garage. Table. Red cups. Ping pong balls. I miss my brother, and I eagerly await challenging his so-called mad skills in a BEER PONG THROWDOWN.

That's what Thanksgiving is all about, after all.

This post ended up being a lot more about me looking forward to a break from school than about school. I guess that means I really really need a break.

My Weekend Ends Now

Week 8 is looming, and I am not too excited, to be completely honest. All in all, I had a very good weekend. With the exception of Sunday evening. But really, I haven't had a good Sunday evening for a while now, so no surprises there.

On the one hand, I'm glad that Sunday is over with. I hate Sundays. On the other hand, I tend to hate Mondays just as much. So there's no real triumph in getting through today only to anticipate another hell-day. I skipped work all of last week. I'm tempted to do so again. (Do mine eyes spy a third ditching disaster?)

I spent the past hour crying my eyes out after yet another painful rehearsal. Even Arjun cringed during soprano sectionals. After a long discussion with the directors, it turns out I'm switching voice parts. That's right. I'm going to be a soprano, effective Wednesday and onwards. And certain other people will be mezzos. I'm sad to have to leave Shana and Chelsea though. I love singing with them.

I don't really want to finish this entry. Goodnight.

My Weekend Starts Now

Because I haven't been to my Evolution lecture for a while, I didn't know that I don't have discussion section tomorrow. And because I had my Genetics midterm today, I also don't have section for that class either. Therefore, my Friday is FREE.

Weekend.

My friend asked me to perform for Marshallpalooza tomorrow night, so I guess I have to practice and shit. But other than that, I'm pretty much home free. I forgot how sweet life can be!

I love when random stuff just clears out like that.

My midterm went by smoothly. I got to hang out with some old floormates. I'm sleeping the frick in tomorrow. I get to do my favorite thing for a lot of people tomorrow night. (For the record, that would be singing. Not what the potential TWSS would imply.) Then I'm going to drink with my best friend of 18 years.

This weekend is going to be so damn baller :)

My Ditching Disaster pt. 2

I'm not at work. Yet again. It's like I'm begging to be fired.

But I do have a really important midterm tomorrow, so I guess that mitigates my absence. To an extent.

I hate Wednesdays. It's like "HAHA, you're only halfway there." (Whoa! Livin' on a prayer!) I'm not funny.

What I'm going to have to try to focus on today is genetics. I've got some podcasts I need to listen to because of those times I zoned out or just flat out didn't go to lecture (damn ditching disasters!). And then I have to re-read the chapters I'll be held accountable for. And then I'm going to work some problems like they've never been worked before. It's going to be awesome.

No sarcasm there. I really like studying for this class. With that said, I refuse to do poorly.

My Ditching Disaster

I'm developing a rather nasty habit of ditching work on Mondays and school on Thursdays.

What usually happens is that I spend much of the previous night crying into the wee hours of morning. My alarm goes off at six and I snooze button it up the ying yang until about seven, at which point I just turn the damn thing off and sleep until eleven. Then I turn on the TV from my bed and watch Food Network or MADtv until either someone knocks on my door or I get a headache from lying down for so long. This is usually around 12:30 pm.

I then decide that it would take me until nearly 2 pm to shower, put clothes on, and walk to the VA. So I weigh my options simply for the sake of weighing my options and eventually decide to stay in my boxers and sports bra until a situation in which normal clothes is mandatory arises.

By the time Mondays and Thursdays come to a close, I've usually recovered from the biweekly lapses in my will to live, and Tuesdays and Fridays happen as per the usual.

Frankly, I'm surprised that some freak miracle has managed to keep me afloat in spite of my being completely dead 2/7 of every week.

My "Addicted"

I'd meant to finish up some homework after rehearsal tonight. That didn't happen. Instead I spent some time bawling at my best friend over the phone (poor her... she's three hours ahead of California), blogging up a storm all over the interwebs (fishing for pity), and learning depressing songs to play on my guitar.

I just can't sleep. Once again, one little student org has managed to dominate my every thought. And not in a good way. I'm starting to find that I'm losing focus of what should really be occupying my mind during my time at UCSD. Namely academics. But I can't concentrate on anything when this one--burden really, is what it has become--is flooding every crevice of my mind.

The only solution I can think of is to simply quit. But out of duty to the fellow teammates I treasure so dearly and to my cherished altos for whom I try so hard to be a decent role model and leader, I know that's not really an option I can take, however much I crave to.

I need to find a way to escape from all of it. Unlike last year, drinking myself into oblivion is not a viable plan of action with respect to the greater demand of my current academic situation. If this shit doesn't stop permeating into the rest of my life, I could reap some rather undesirable consequences on my academic record.

Bottom line: This shitty state of mind I get drawn into biweekly could very well translate into a shitty GPA.



Listening to: UCSD Tritones 2006-2007 | Addicted feat. Ena Nicole Suarez
The lyrics are depressingly perfect.

My Early Start

I clocked into work pretty early this morning. I clocked out and got home before noon.

The scary part isn't that I work too much or that I'm a little obsessed with my job. No. It's the fact that my boss was in the lab when I clocked in. And she was still there when I clocked out. That's dedication. I really admire my boss.

Right now I'm debating whether I should study or take a nap. I'll probably start off with one and just gradually transition into the other.

I'd really like some orange juice right now.

My Mission Accomplished

Oh studies, how I have missed you.

Sadly enough, I actually really enjoyed the past few hours. I sipped coffee, did reading and took notes, and worked a couple of really interesting genetics problems. I really like genetics.

I also realized that I have a midterm on Monday and that I haven't gone to O-Chem for two weeks. I think I might have to take a W on this one. I'm already on the border of an A- in that class, and I don't want to get any lower than an A in it. I've found that it's a simple enough subject, but at this point in the game, I just don't have the time to learn everything I'd need to know to get the grade I know I'm capable of earning.

My limited resources would be better spent on Genetics and Evolution. I've weighed the opportunity costs of both my options. I'd rather end up with four fewer units at the end of this quarter than potentially sacrifice a tenth off of my GPA.

To do today: drop CHEM 140A, study more :)

My Grasp For A Grip

I took a half hour shower today. And it felt GOOD. That felt so damn good it was almost sinful. No, campus apartments are not equipped with removable showerheads. Mind out of the gutter, guys. I think of everything.

But yea. Usually my showers range from 3-5 minutes long. Lather up, rinse off. The end. Today was a rare luxury.

....And I was just gone for a good half hour to make my roommates some coffee out of sympathy for an impending deadline they're both inevitably whooshing towards.

That totally negated my goal for tonight, which was to concentrate only on genetics. Just for this one night. The night is not yet over, however, and I still have a good three or so hours to truly concentrate on what should be my focus at this point: round dos of midterms, which begins in a few hours short of one week.

Goodnight, friends. It's time for me to get back in the zone and be a hardcore student again. Time to forget all worries and leave behind my worldly woes.

How weird is it that studying is my escape from all my problems? I always thought personal lives existed for the purpose of relieving stress caused by professional problems. I'm so damn strange.

My Long Day

My face is a downer. How sad is that?

I shuffled around much of today after a night of very little sleep, too tired to fully open my eyes. Forget about smiling and acting chipper. That worked out for the most part. My coworkers are more than used to my tired face, which more or less resembles my concentration face, which is pretty much my neutral face with squintier eyes. Not to mention they're all very agreeable people who have all been in those half-dead-student shoes.

I did a lot at work today. The -80C freezers were getting beyond cluttered, and seeing as there is very little space left for samples, the time came for me to organize all the bits of organs scattered about. Inventory, the usual carbon tet injections, work was work as usual. It just dragged until approximately 6:30p.

Then I jetted my ass over to the middle of campus for a cappella rehearsal, which is actually becoming more of an obligation than anything else. It didn't help that some self-important person took it upon herself to make some pointedly cheery/smart alecky remarks aimed at the fact that I happened to be sitting in a corner and staring at sheet music. Granted she didn't know I'd been up since 3am, been at work since 7:30am, and hadn't had dinner yet, but I was hardly doing anything worth being singled out for. Last I checked, it was a good thing to sit quietly and review one's music while another voice part was being taught. Still, I politely mustered a smile and replied to her that I was merely concentrating and didn't realize my face was quite so ferocious when I was focusing.

Part of being a student is learning to deal with people, yes? Well I think I coped quite well today. But another part of me wanted very badly to roundhouse kick that bitch to her proper place... namely groveling at my feet.

I swear the only reason I put up with all this shit is because I manage to convince myself that all these people aren't worth my time. Call it cocky, call it whatever you want. I call it a coping mechanism.

My Relieving Letdown

I'm really glad I went out this weekend. I'm really glad I partied and drank (even if the latter was severely moderated). Because if I had missed Halloween and hangout time with my girls to study for the midterm I just took... well then. I'd probably be throwing a bitch fit right now if I had.

"Did George Harrison play the drums for the Beatles?"

Just a sample question. I finished twenty minutes in and had to wait around for another 10 minutes to take the listening portion in order to peace out. I think I've exhausted this subject. Let us not delve any further.

I've started picking classes for next quarter. Tentatively, my schedule looks like it's going to be biochemical techniques, general chemistry lab, calculus, and human reproduction & development. Two time-consuming lab classes and two relatively brainless just-learn-it classes. And that's it. No music.

I'm contemplating just dropping the whole music double major deal. School is... school. And I'd like to just have it be over with. Practically speaking, there are no real careers I can see myself pursuing in the field of music. I'm not cut out for the recording industry or any of the jobs it entails. I don't have the patience to educate. It looks like music might just have to take the sideline as the passion I practice on my own time. And that makes sense. It'd be hard to conduct research as a personal interest...

Perusing my blogs of past, I've come to find that I have changed very much over the years. From the "fuck it" approach I adopted all throughout high school to the hypercompetitive "fuck them" approach I took all of last year to the "fuck school" mentality I'm starting to take on now. It doesn't bother me as much to take second or third. I'm still up there and competitive, but without having to worry my ass off about point values, I'm able to realize that what it all boils down to is the ability to take all that I've learned in these classes and tie it in to my potential future career. I see more relevance now in what I'm learning and it's made an enormous difference in how I view my roles and responsibilities at work.

My overall education has become more holisitic, and I'm glad. I just wish the whole shebang could integrate itself so I wouldn't have to feel so much like the two major components of my learning are facilitated by separate modes of achieving my own goals.

My Shocking Realization

Holy wtf, it's November?!

Time is just creeping up on me like no other. There's a wedding going on right outside my apartment. (UCSD iHouse is very picturesque.) I can hear Pachelbel's Canon in D. I hate that song.

I've been spending way too much time out. It's kind of good, because it's been a distraction from some things that shouldn't be bothering me as much as they are. It's kind of bad, because it's been a distraction from some things that should be bothering me much more than they are. The former being stress I unnecessarily inflict upon myself, the latter being academic stress I've been deflecting from myself.

Yea, I partied last night. Yea, I have a midterm on Monday.

See now I can hear one of those Matt Redman songs. "Above All"... I used to love that song. Times change.

I woke up at noon today. I have accomplished absolutely nothing. That's a lie. I've made Taiwanese tea eggs for a little Taiwanese get-together we have planned for a pre-rehearsal casual dinner tomorrow. I've uploaded pictures from last night to Facebook. I've cleaned the kitchen. Basically I've accomplished nothing that really needs to be accomplished.

I hate that it's November. I don't have the time to learn everything I need to. But even if I did, I don't have the willpower to sit down and study what I need to. I am dangerously over school. A refresher would be nice. I wish Thanksgiving vacation could come sooner.

I've burned out too quickly.