My Humbling Heartbreak

So we were kind of singin/chillin at Powell station. And this oldish guy with a horrible limp hobbled over to give us change. I wasn't sure what to say to him. All I could muster was a simple "thank you, sir." My words felt so insufficient. It was a very humbling experience.

I may have nearly half of a college education under my belt, but he showed me that I have much yet to learn as a person.

My Last Week

I'm entering the final leg of Christmas break. Even though there's still the new year to be celebrated, I'm trying to start bracing myself for the 10 weeks of academic onslaught to come. Poo.

So I'm sleeping and waking up a little earlier and weaning myself off of all the movie-watching. I spent a couple hours this morning reading boring shit I didn't particularly care to read about. It was good practice for school.

When I get back, the first thing I'll have to do is clean out my room. There's a lot of stuff I don't really use, so I'll pack it all up and shove it in a storage room downstairs. Less clutter, less distraction, less butt-pain. I like having a clean start. New notebooks and stuff always make me feel kind of happy. Like I can write my own destiny... or academic transcript. It's awesome. Starting over again could be good for me I think.

My New Computer

Has apparently shipped. My dad got it for me for Christmas because he caught wind of my computer-induced tantrums (like the time I lost half of an arrangement and the time I lost a good chunk of a paper... etc) and because he was so proud of me for being baller at being a student... whoops.

So I feel kind of guilty for super letting him down, especially after he spent so much money on a new computer that does music-y stuff better just so I can be a little more artsy fartsy slash not stress out over my current computer, which has a tendency to switch off every hour or two.

Yea, I caved and got a Macbook.

I love run on sentences, huh? But yea. I need to seriously lock down next quarter. No partying. Period. And the next time any stupid Tritone dares to mess with me I'm seriously going to punch her in the face or kick him in the nuts. And hopefully break something in the process. Just because I resolved to be a happy person doesn't mean I should lie down on the floor and let people walk all over me.

The end. This was really random. I think there might be a little residual anger towards some people.

My Explanation

I don't really know what to say. Part of me has been expecting it, but for some reason I'm still shocked that I actually let myself fall so hard.

I did badly this quarter. Really badly.

And I hate myself for it. Academics was the one thing I had going for me and I blew it. I'm so mad at myself right now. I don't think I've ever hated so many things/people so intensely all at once. Ditching disasters stemming from such and such a situation, which grew out of some other kind of person/thing, which started with some other problem, all of which is rooted in my own failure to shrug that shit off and stay focused on what I'm at UCSD to ultimately accomplish.

Let's just leave it at "my parents are severely disappointed." I don't even know how I managed to tell them. I didn't even want to tell them why I did so poorly. It's a ridiculous explanation, even in my own head. Straight up I didn't go to class. It only dropped me one letter grade in upper div. In lower div? Holy mother of...

I don't really know what to do with myself. I effed up big time. I just want to curl up and sleep for a really long time.

My Sad

I don't even know what I'm going to do.

My Rina+Jeff

I've been hanging out with those two every day this week. We dragged our asses all over the bay. I think Jeff is a little shopped out. After Powell Street, Union Square, Santana Row, Valley Fair, Japan Town, and the Great Mall, I can't deny that I am too. That's averaging two shopping places per day. Frickin hardcore.

We got to hang out at a chiropractic clinic where Jeff's mom works. It was fun playing with machines and stretching and doing "dance trance" yoga on the super cool gel floor mats.

I have bad posture I think.

Rick and Jon came over last night while Jeff's family took Rina to dinner. We're planning a day trip to Tahoe. But none of us want to drive in crazy iciness. So that's kind of a problem.

Sorry this is really boring to read. I just have to document the random stuff I've been up to. I want to watch a movie or something.

Ooh. Santana Row. 5-8 pm tomorrow. My a cappella babies. Outside Maggiano's. Fuggen John's on vacation. But I'll be there. Just if anyone's interested.

My Day Out

It's frickin cold in nor cal this year. My mom forced me to buy a wool-cashmere pea coat ish thing. I'm not going to complain, it's lovely and warm.

Before I get any further in my post, I have to say, "happy birthday, Beethoven!"

It also happens to be my two friends' 10 month anniversary. I am happy for them. I am also quite sleepy and out of stuff to write.

My Musical Weekend

I watched CYS perform in Los Altos. And then I drove to Cupertino for one last Holiday Concert. I am dunzo with the music-ing. I loved it, but I am very relieved that it's all finally over with.

For the first time in my life, I got to hear a xylophone concerto. It was an interesting experience that I don't think I would care to repeat. I don't think I'm a huge fan of xylophones.

I don't know what else to write. It wasn't a particularly cathartic conclusion to anything. No fanfare, no grand finale. Just me and my exasperated sigh of relief.

I'm also a little mad at my pannettone because it is not rising the way I would like it to. I don't think it's any fault of my own. The weather just isn't being too cooperative. Lame. We'll see if the stupid lump will finally manage to triple in size within the next five hours. The 10 hour rising time is halfway up. Hurry up, stupid yeast.

My Doggy And Me

So this is my doggy and I. I was video chatting with my apartmentmates because I love them. Then my doggy plopped right down on top of me. She likes to do that. And it's nice this time of the year because she keeps me warmer :)

I love Princess Leia.

My Lovable Labrador

WARNING: CHEESE AHEAD

My dog's name is Princess Leia. I know that animals supposedly don't have souls or whatever, but I don't really buy into that. Princess Leia is probably the friendliest and most loving being I have ever encountered. And I love her very very much.

I also have a lot to learn from her. She's sweet and kind to everyone she meets... even more so if her new friend happens to bring her food. But aside from that little quirk, she never judges. She'll keep you warm while you nap by curling up around your feet. She likes to spend time with her family, but will settle for chilling out with one of my dad's shoes when she knows we don't have time to play.

It's funny how I never noticed before that she is constantly making me happy. She always lets her loved ones know that she's happy to see them, and it's such a sweet gesture that has gone unnoticed for far too long. The clicking of her claws against hard wood floors as she trots over to greet me. The little nose that pokes through the blinds of the window by the entry as she hears my keys jingling at the door. The unmistakable thumping of her super strong tail on everything within a foot and a half of her butt whenever she sees or hears something that makes her happy. That's all a lot more than I can say for myself. I'm usually pretty proud of myself for managing to grunt a pre-caffeine "g'morning ," at my family in my bass voice, eyes open just wide enough to pour a cup of coffee.

I never paused to think how much the simple act of letting people know how happy you are to see them can make a difference in how they feel. But noticing my own face light up so many times these days, whenever I see my adorably happy Leia, has got me thinking that I would like to be that person who makes people smile. I'm no Little Miss Sunshine. I usually don't even show it even when I am happy. But I can be.

I've been a total sap at home. A massive Smiley McSmilerson. And I owe it to my dog. And maybe a little bit to all the beer and orange smileys I've been consuming...

That's my resolution for the new year. I know it's a little early, but it's a huge adjustment. And it can't hurt to start a little early. I'm going to be a happier person. Not for the sake of knowing I'm happier than people I don't particularly care for, but simply for the sake of being a positive force for a change. If my new outlook can even make one person's day a little brighter, it will have been worth it :)

My Laundry List!

There is so much stuff I want to do! I don't think I'll be able to accomplish all of it... so that's why I have to set me some priorities.

• Hang out with Tina Li, my Facebook fiancé slash official bff. (It's been 11 months since I saw her in person... O_O)
  
• Tipsy stargazing with my besties, like always.
• WARRIORS GAME x2 with EVERYONE I CAN POSSIBLY GET TO GO. (Everyone I like, that is.) I can get 15$ tickets through my dad's company. TELL ME if you wanna come with! The more the merrier! :) This would be 12/15 and 12/29. Magic and Raptor... I think that's respectively.
• Food-ing. Lots and lots of food-ing.
  

There's so much more. I'm sure there is. But I can't think of anymore. And I'm getting a little restless...

My Sleep-Deprived Dialogue

Finals are over for me. I can't say that I'm not a little relieved. I totally drew Al Gore and Man-Bear-Pig for this one question on global warming I just couldn't think of a real answer to. I also doodled Batman on the side of one page, and decided to leave it there and write "The Dark Knight: on DVD and Blu-Ray today!" rather than attempt to erase it. (Let's face it... that mask was gonna leave its mark even if I did manage to erase it.)

Minor setbacks. Not to worry. I'm pretty sure lower division biology never killed anyone.

Something of note. Yes. Best Friend (that's his name) and I were reviewing outside of Warren lecture hall before our final today. I hadn't slept a ton. Neither had he. But my eyes weren't so glazed that I couldn't read his little mnemonics.

For example:
Limber Pastafarian Pussy Double Penetration Her Rectum.

I don't even remember what it stands for. (Neither did he when I asked him about it. He got stuck on "pussy" and kind of drifted into a daze...) It doesn't even make any sense. Pastafarian's not even a word. I think it has something to do with the order of stuff appearing on Earth. Like land plants and then... something else, dinosaurs? Homo sapiens thrown in somewhere too. I have no idea. All I can think of when I see that mnemonic is limber pussy.

I don't hate mnemonics. I have a few myself!. Like for taxonomy? Kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, species?

AKA: Keep Penguins Cool Or Find Green Spots.

Best Friend's version: King Philip Came Over For Great Sex.


By the way, Best Friend is a guy. And this was all going to be in dialogue format. But I'm a loser and I forgot.


[edit]
I spelled "mnemonic" as "pneumatic." See post title: "My Sleep-Deprived Dialogue." I am so stupid sometimes. Air-operated? What was I thinking?! And this is why I'm no longer a mechanical engineering major. Because I apparently can't tell the difference between mnemonic and pneumatic. Forgive me, world. It was never my intention to be so stupid. I should do humankind a big favor and take myself out of the gene pool. I will be celibate! (Or I can kill myself...)

My Random Acts Of "I Love You" Day

I wrote my grandma a letter. It was tedious because I really suck at Chinese when I'm not typing. Computers are such a bad habit. But I did it nonetheless. A full page of loving one-way banter.

I also sang a song for my mommy and sent her a YouTube link. Because I just want to go home. And I love my mommy.

All in the name of procrastination.

Honestly, I just can't study anymore. I feel as though everything's just redundant information, and I'm not entirely sure why I was still spending so much time staring at pages of lecture notes I could probably recite off the top of my head. Word for word, symbol for symbol. I am in love with my own notes. I sometimes read them in my spare time. I love supplementing my notes too. Because I'm frickin weird like that.

Also, I kind of want to post a video. Of "O Holy Night" because I love that song. I just can't quite figure out how I should play the part that goes "fall on your knees..." and onward. I can play something. But it doesn't really fit with the way I play the rest of the song. Whoops. I should like... get better at guitar or something. I've never felt more incompetent at an instrument than I do right now.

So I'm going to get some practicing in. Now. I'm red-bulled past being able to sleep anyway. Whoops.

Oh... and I'm not going to stop until my fingers start peeling. Again.

My Study Troubles

Not that I'm all that concerned about my finals or anything, but I don't have my glasses. And this whole studying without them deal is making my head hurt. It's not like I left my glasses in someone's car or in my room or whatever. No. My glasses are floating around in my sock drawer in Fremont. 500 miles away. I'm officially stupid times a bazillion.

I leave my glasses at my parents' house the week before finals. I'm just all kinds of dumb, huh? And it's not as if I don't already lack motivation to study.

Despite that minor drawback and the mild headache accompanying it, I'm actually really happy. School's practically over! I'm going home in exactly three days! It's the holiday season! Just thinking about it all puts me into this ridiculously happy mood. I spontaneously smile and sometimes burst into song. And I've figured out a resolution for the new year!

I hereby resolve to be a very-apparently happier person than everyone I dislike. I'm going to be so fuckin happy, the damn sun's going to shine out of my ass. Forreal. And then I can be an even happier person knowing that everyone I don't like is more miserable than I am.

My Last Day Of Classes

Yep, I'm done for the year. I also slept through my last class of the quarter. 20 minute power nap? Not so. I woke up and my class had ended. So I tucked my head right back into my sheets and slept for another 3 hours or so. Right now I'm sitting on my ass, eating tropical Skittles, and watching Comedy Central. I'll study tomorrow or something...

The story behind these tropical Skittles is that I was originally craving some ice cream sandwiches. But I didn't want to drag my lazy ass to the cafeteria. So I bummed some candy off of my apartmentmate's student org. Why does Model United Nations need hundreds of king-sized candies anyway?

It's 10:17 now. Yes, that's how long it took me to actually finish this post.

My Final Push

December is probably my favorite month. No other twelfth of the year can quite compare. But until the a cappella concert is over with, finals are done, and my mentorship program is finished, I won't be able to really enjoy it.

I took a break from the books while I was back home. Mostly because I occupied myself with cooking for Thanksgiving and with a cappella. After a few hours of coaching the group my brother started at our high school, I delved straight into the six-man project that my brother also leads outside of school. They were prepping for a gig at the Stanford Shopping Center, and had a little more than an hour of performance-ready material. I'm very proud of those boys. This is their second year under my brother's leadership, and I have to say that he's done a great job of carrying my legacy. My ex-codirector and I were still able to give a few pointers... and scare the shit out of them too. That was mostly him, actually. He's big and tall and glares daggers.

After all that was said and done, I watched them perform, drove my brother to orchestra, and sped off to sift through seventy or so talented young women wishing to partake in an all-girls group.

Auditions were really difficult. But I guess it's better to be overwhelmed by talent than to be stuck picking the less mediocre singers of the bunch. And I'm very happy with my decisions. In order for rehearsals to run well, I've asked my old conductor to oversee them while I'm still in San Diego. But the girls are going to learn their own music without the help of Dr. Chang. I've delegated section leaders, and I've held video conferences with them after each rehearsal.

I wish I had an a cappella mentor when I was in high school. Because realizing just how select my old choir is was a pretty nasty shock. UCSD's music scene is a kiddie pool to the Bay Area's ocean of elite organizations catering to Silicon Valley millionaires' style of highly cultured child-rearing. SFYS, CYS, CCC, SFGC, the list could go on forever. I wish for a lot of stuff. I crossed my fingers like crazy last year during admissions season, hoping for some of my a cappella babies to scoot their asses to UCSD to replace shitty singers. Only one of them actually came: Carlin. He got called back but had problems with the webpage, so he didn't know it. I almost murdered him. He hasn't got the best range in the world as far as basses go, but he's solid and his tone is perfect. I gotta say it... it's so much more important to not sound like your nose is plugged than to belt out low Cs.

This is turning out to be a really long post about nothing in particular except that I'm super duper busy and that I'm actually just sac-ing my sleep to write this shit. Whoops.

But I'll be home again on December 9th, and that's when FUN crunch time hits. I'll be able to dedicate more time to mentoring, and start running rehearsals myself. Then there's the Christmas concert series. And then my baby boys have a another shopping center gig, this time at the ever-bougey Santana Row. Since that gig is considerably longer than the last one and they're all going to be on Winter break soon, John and I will be temporarily assuming directorship again in order to help them learn another hour or so of material for the show. So I'm also in a TTTBtBsBS(or VP) arranging binge. All the guys are too. Fifteen songs within the next 19 days is not going to be an easy feat. Thank goodness they're not musical retards like so many people in my woebegone a cappella disaster. They're The Ritards.

Shit. I need to study for finals sometime soon...