My Reset

This song sums up my feelings perfectly.

Click to download the cover I did in the wee hours of this morning (read: 2 a.m.)

So this is it. I'm going solo. (I guess this is how Jen Chiu felt...) Funny how it works out like that.

I don't even feel so badly for quitting now. It's funny how a little grilling can turn you around like that. The way Rina sat there, condescendingly explaining to me that I can't always have my way in front of the rest of the 'tones, really irked me. I can understand that she'd be unhappy that I'm leaving, but I thought we were friends. Friends don't act like that. Now I'm just glad to be rid of the whole damn group. No regrets. That shit is ridiculous.

Things that made my day:
1. Getting the townhouse in Scripps Ranch :)
2. Skype-ing my mom and hearing my rendition of "Gravity" playing on repeat in the background

My Duplicate Posting (My Decimation)

So this isn't exactly breaking news, but I quit the Tritones. After reading over a year's worth of Xanga entries... I'm a little surprised that I didn't see this coming. I have posts dating back to Spring quarter of last year contemplating quitting.

November 9, 2008
I've never felt so unfittingly condescended to and unappreciated in my entire life. Unless that changes in the next few months, all I can say is, "Peace out, Tritones."

November 6, 2008
My ability (willingness?) to stick with Tritones is diminishing. Part of it is simply dissatisfaction with the lack of crucial skills in key individuals. Part of it is that I've had it with the attitudes of other individuals.

May 26, 2008
If people aren't willing to appreciate the fact that I am one of very very few actually competent musicians present, I am seriously considering taking my talents elsewhere. The DOTs have good potential. I hate to be that spoiled little kid, but sometimes I don't even want to be a part of Tritones anymore.

And that's just a taste. There were a LOT of Tritones posts.

We were no Hullabahoos or Beelzebubs. But at the very least, Tritones was a respectable a cappella group. Not too shabby for West-coasters. One of the better-known SoCal groups. This is what my apartmentmate, Karen, had to say about us after seeing this year's Ballroom: "Well... you guys were better than the UCSD men's group." Great. We did better than the group that was only founded half a year ago.

It kills me that this is how my collegiate a cappella career is ending. That I couldn't persevere and make it to that tearfully heartfelt pool of sentiment after four happy years of merry music-making. Instead, I spent this year manipulatively playing dumb ("Can we go over this section?") in order to point out musical errors without offending my unseasoned, yet obstinately prideful, roommate-director. You'd all be proud to know what kind of crazed measures I took to avoid bruising her ego. All so that she can now ignore the fact that I exist.

I truly gave my life to this group, often times skipping schoolwork to finish an arrangement or attend a gig. I forsook many a hangout in favor of Tritones commitments. When I was happy, I never felt the need to feel appreciated. I was perfectly content merely doing whatever I could to contribute. But as I became increasingly disillusioned and dissatisfied, lack of gratitude and plain disrespect from the group really started to get to me. And even though I still do and always will love Tritones, nothing will ever undo the immense resentment I have towards certain individuals who have pretty much ruined it.

I think this might be what it's like to be filing for bankruptcy. On the one hand, you have nothing. No assets under your name, no credit score to start building anew with, nada. But on the other hand, you no longer have the weight of insurmountable debt upon your shoulders. And even though it's all a horribly depressing ordeal, the fact is that it's a new beginning.

I'm having trouble adjusting... it's still keeping me up at night. Everything this year could have been still haunts me, and although I've been standing my ground as far as withdrawing my membership goes, there hasn't a day since I quit that I haven't cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I've been locked in my room, hardly ever sleeping. I waste my days singing alone.

Excuse the vicious sentiment... but I almost wish I could watch the whole thing crash and burn without me, just so I can still say "I told you so." I don't care how selfish it may seem. It's damn near 4 a.m. and for the third night in a row, I can't sleep. This has cut me deeper than most people can fathom.

I've been pretty emotional this week. Angry beyond words, morbidly depressed, apathetic, you name it. I'm an amalgamation of every negatively connotated emotion there is.








Most of all, I'm just fucking devastated.

My Aftermath

So now my roommate isn't talking to me.

Shana's begging me to stay. I'm sure Chelsea would if she knew that I'd quit... But I guess it makes sense for me just not to show up. A part of me is still clinging and crossing my fingers for "oh whoops, we were really stupid. Pretty please come back, we promise not to be so retarded again." But at the same time, it's sadly liberating not to have to think about any of that shit.

I'm having trouble letting go. That group was on a pedestal for so long... I can't just spontaneously give up on it, even though I kind of have.

Start another group? With people who don't suck? It's becoming a more and more appealing option. I'm going to be kind of disappointed if this falls through...

My Actual Break-up

Well... it's the end of an abusive relationship.

It started when I merely admired from afar. Stalking online, inadvertently learning the names of people who would eventually become some of my best friends.

When I finally got in after years of dreaming of collegiate a cappella, I completely immersed myself into it, picturing a lifelong relationship... having them sing at my wedding, donating money in the future, supporting the group when I'm old, all that jazz. But after all the effort and devotion I put into it, I just ended up severely disappointed, betrayed, and hurt.

For some reason, I still came back, thinking it could change. That people could get their acts together. That was stupid of me. People don't change over the course of a summer. An irresponsible crackhead who always sings flat is always going to be an irresponsible crackhead... and yea, he still sings flat. And apparently he's driven Rina out of her fucking mind, because I can't think of anything else to explain why she's making such retardedly short-sighted and flat out stupid decisions.

I've been picking up slack, the dinner and shopping tab, and God knows what else for this group. And I feel SO FUCKING USED. So taken advantage of. I'm still fucking pissed about the MD situation this year (just because I live with Rina doesn't mean I should have to be her fuckin music tutor.) I'm sorry, but if I can sightread an arrangement that you slaved over for weeks faster than you can figure it out on your own, then why in FUCK's name are you a fuckin musical fuckin director?

There's so much vocal talent in this year's audition class. A million times more than there was last year. The newbies are the best vocalists in the group. So there's no fuckin reason why this year should be the FUCKIN WORST I have ever heard from Tritones. This year had so much potential and it was utterly wasted. Shana and Chelsea have more experience with musical groups than Rina and Arjun. THEY fuckin know more and have had more constructive insights than both directors combined. I don't favor them for no reason. John is a HUGE talent. I said it at the beginning of the year, and I'll say it again now. John knows his shit. And the boy doesn't fuck around.

I am just so fuckin pissed at this year's shit. It's SHIT. BULLFUCKINSHIT. FUCK ARJUN, FUCK RINA, FUCK TRITONES, FUCK A CAPPELLA, FUCK MUSIC.


Wow. This started as a rationally organized anecdote...

My Disappointing Revelation

Yeah. So they just announced that director auditions this year are up to a vote. A popular vote. What the fucking fuck.

That's it. Fuck Tritones. I am so disappointed right now. As if this year hasn't already let me down enough already. I hate this shit so much right now. I hate Arjun. (OMG we were fuckin outside for the first half hour of rehearsal because the stupid fucker couldn't reserve a damn room properly AGAIN.) I'm fuckin pissed at Rina. I'm just fuckin pissed in general.

Fucking FUCK.

My Shitty Disposition

I'm in a really foul mood today. I don't know what it is, but I really need something to cheer me up.

VA privacy/security training is railing me.

My dad is getting really overprotective all of a sudden, and it's kind of freaking me out. Slash really pissing me off. I understand his concern, but frankly, it's my life, and I'm old enough not to be babied. I love my parents and all, and I hate being in disagreement with them. However, I'm not willing to go about my adult life pending their approval. I've been completely independent for nearly two years now, and to relinquish my power of judgment to them is not appealing. But it looks like I might have to in order to stay on good terms. And that fucking pisses me off.

I know I'm 19. That's young. And right now I may seem like a typical teenager ranting about stupid shit. But for the past twenty months, I've been paying my own rent, tuition, bills, housing, insurance, and other shit... except for my cell phone bill. But I'd happily write a thirty dollar check out to my parents every month if they wanted me to.

I might be young, but I'm not naive. And as much as I hate having to be responsible for my own person, there's no way I could be happy going about on my daddy's coattails. It's just not me.

My Mixed Feelings

So I know I kind of semi broke things off with Mike. And even though I've had my fair share of second thoughts, I think I did the right thing. However, I am still very much physically attracted to him, which makes for a weird kind of understanding that we have. I like to think of us as Ted Mosby and Robin. So I'm one of the guys when we all hang out... but I'm also a girl. I'm trying my best not to be overly explicit.

Then there's this nagging little voice in my head that never quite forgot about this other guy (you can all probably guess without thinking twice) who is 100x more awesome, twice as Asian, and way healthier than Mike. He lacks the Mosby-factor... but he is muy good lookin'. AND he got approached by a modeling agent on library walk today. It's a funny story. I'll tell it sometime.

Mmmmmmmmmmm. Why do I always end up confusing myself? Boo.

Oh yea. And there are lots of pretty places to live out there. I'm kind of excited :D

My Break-up

I ended things with Mike on Sunday. That whole train wreck was never going to end up anywhere. Plus I'm pretty sure he's more of a player/dick than he lets on. Actually, I'm positive that he's a huge slut in hiding. I'd bet my life savings. Such a pity considering he looks exactly like Ted Mosby... except taller and more built. Actually, that probably explains why I think he's a manwhore.

Kind of weird. We were never an item. But there was still always a certain degree of possessiveness about our, for lack of a better term, relationship. That was strangely comforting, yet foreign and discombobulating at the same time.

And frankly, he's totally too old for me. The rule goes "divide by two and add seven." The youngest girl he's "allowed" to date is 20. I'm not 20. It shouldn't matter, but it still weirds me out.

His ex-girlfriend graduated from the same high school that I did! In fact, she graduated from MSJHS the same year I graduated elementary school.

"I was Sporty Spice for Halloween..."
"Hawtttttt."
"...when I was 9."

It's kind of weird.

He took it all too calmly though. The last time I broke up with a genuinely looking-to-settle-down guy, he cried on my shoulder in my dorm lounge until 5 a.m. the day I had a chem midterm. That did not kick off our post-break-up to a good start. My point is, Mike wasn't bummed out enough to have been attached. So all is well. It also means he's one of those "I've still got plenty of game left in me" guys...

Yea. Minor detail. We're not dating, but we're still kind of together.

COME ON! He looks like Ted Mosby. Forgive me.

My Proposed Schedule

By...

10 am - finish putting the last touches of this song in!
11 am - start wash cycles for all that sorted laundry...
12 pm - organize my room
1 pm - finish laundry
2 pm - eat and chill the fuck out
6 pm - study the first 1.5 chapters of ochem
7 pm - eat and chill the fuck out
11 pm - finish studying the last 1.5 chapters of ochem
12 am - do the practice midterm
1 am - review the practice midterm
2 am - be in bed

It's going to be a long day guys.

My Dedication

I'm actually doing something productive. I mean... I guess I'm not anymore, but I was being quite the dedicated little musician not so long ago. And I'm using a certain Hello Kitty mouse because Finale and touchpads are not friends. That mouse makes me smile every single time I use it.

It's been a really long time since I've arranged music. About a whole quarter. Holy shit. But I always find myself arranging a fuckton of music whenever midterms roll around, so it might not be so much as a rejuvenation of my love for a cappella as it is a mode of procrastination. Y'all know my M.O. way too well.

It's an important song to me. I doubt it's gotten radio time, but I know that it's a special song to others too. And when we sing it at Warren show, it's going out to a few key people who I know will be there :)

To put it in plain words without giving too much away, this is a song definitely worth my time. It's a return to an older school of a cappella. A simplistic yet elegant melody, accompanied by full-bodied harmonies. I kind of fuckin love it. Never ever am I arranging something I don't 100% want to arrange just because nobody else can or will. If I'm going to do this shit, it's going to fuckin be for me. And that's that.

Man I am in fuckin love with this song. I also say the word "fuck" a lot.

My Impending Break

Mike's two months is almost up. Wednesday marks the end. I'm a little sad to see this one go, especially considering all this time during Lent that we've just been chilling. He was surprisingly understanding about Lent.

But I can't break rule number one again. I've broken it too many times, and I've learned from those mistakes. Attachment has never gotten me anywhere but the bottom of many many bottles. The verdict is in. He's a chill, good-natured guy and a lot of fun to be with, but he's not someone I can afford to fall for. And that's why it has to end. Sadly, but surely.

Am I crazy? Am I overthinking it? Am I too harsh? Feelings are so complicated :(

My 24-Hour Funfest

I did end up working for a few hours on Friday. And I got to eat lunch with Sarah :) It was short and sweet. We need to hang out forreal ASAP!

Then my girls and I hit up UTC for bra shopping. I was all sad because I thought I'd have to shell out a crapload of cash for my feminine attire necessities. BUT, I got everything I was looking for about half of what I was expecting to pay. Huzzah :)

After that was the hat-tricking kickback at PC East and YoWo with Wilmz and co. Freaking awesome. I've missed those fools!

My friend's housewarming party was next. Mike picked me up at my apartment at seven and off we went! Beer pong and other fun activities to the hundredth power happened. Mike and I are an unstoppable team. For some reason, I had this crazy streak of making a cup every single round. I think it's Jared's table. Something about it all of sudden makes me a good beer pong player.

We all slept over at Jared's. I woke up with a mild hangover, which went away after a little one-on-one with the porcelain god and some water. Most manageable hangover ever. Mike and I got a late brunch together and then we went to his place and took a nap on his couch. And now I'm back at my place.

So much fun.

I need to crack down and get some work done now, but later I'm off to Rick's place to play some more beer pong. Woot!

I really like this work hard, play hard philosophy. I wasted way too much time last quarter. I wouldn't be having any fun. And I wouldn't be getting anything productive done either. This is infinitely better :)

My First Week

I've been pretty freaking good this week. On top of everything! So I decided to reward myself a little today.

Ben and I hit up the pub after our o-chem lecture. Since I'm still ahead on schoolwork, I also went to Pizza Port with a few friends for dinner. Freaking delicious. BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger pizza ftw!

It feels good to have fun without fear of repercussions. Staying ahead of the game might be a good idea. I have more fun that way.

I haven't gone to work at all this week... but whatever. I'd rather not run into Marcus. He acts so damn weird nowadays. Even though we are friends and stuff, I'm kind of relieved that he's only sticking around for another half year. I don't know how much more of his attentions I can take. I was pretty ahead in my experiments from overtiming so much last quarter anyway.

Friday... I only have one eight am. Lingerie shopping sometime in the afternoon with my girls from high school. In between those, I think I'll get some homework out of the way. And then I can play play play :)

Spring quarter is my favorite :)