My Humbling Heartbreak

So we were kind of singin/chillin at Powell station. And this oldish guy with a horrible limp hobbled over to give us change. I wasn't sure what to say to him. All I could muster was a simple "thank you, sir." My words felt so insufficient. It was a very humbling experience.

I may have nearly half of a college education under my belt, but he showed me that I have much yet to learn as a person.

My Last Week

I'm entering the final leg of Christmas break. Even though there's still the new year to be celebrated, I'm trying to start bracing myself for the 10 weeks of academic onslaught to come. Poo.

So I'm sleeping and waking up a little earlier and weaning myself off of all the movie-watching. I spent a couple hours this morning reading boring shit I didn't particularly care to read about. It was good practice for school.

When I get back, the first thing I'll have to do is clean out my room. There's a lot of stuff I don't really use, so I'll pack it all up and shove it in a storage room downstairs. Less clutter, less distraction, less butt-pain. I like having a clean start. New notebooks and stuff always make me feel kind of happy. Like I can write my own destiny... or academic transcript. It's awesome. Starting over again could be good for me I think.

My New Computer

Has apparently shipped. My dad got it for me for Christmas because he caught wind of my computer-induced tantrums (like the time I lost half of an arrangement and the time I lost a good chunk of a paper... etc) and because he was so proud of me for being baller at being a student... whoops.

So I feel kind of guilty for super letting him down, especially after he spent so much money on a new computer that does music-y stuff better just so I can be a little more artsy fartsy slash not stress out over my current computer, which has a tendency to switch off every hour or two.

Yea, I caved and got a Macbook.

I love run on sentences, huh? But yea. I need to seriously lock down next quarter. No partying. Period. And the next time any stupid Tritone dares to mess with me I'm seriously going to punch her in the face or kick him in the nuts. And hopefully break something in the process. Just because I resolved to be a happy person doesn't mean I should lie down on the floor and let people walk all over me.

The end. This was really random. I think there might be a little residual anger towards some people.

My Explanation

I don't really know what to say. Part of me has been expecting it, but for some reason I'm still shocked that I actually let myself fall so hard.

I did badly this quarter. Really badly.

And I hate myself for it. Academics was the one thing I had going for me and I blew it. I'm so mad at myself right now. I don't think I've ever hated so many things/people so intensely all at once. Ditching disasters stemming from such and such a situation, which grew out of some other kind of person/thing, which started with some other problem, all of which is rooted in my own failure to shrug that shit off and stay focused on what I'm at UCSD to ultimately accomplish.

Let's just leave it at "my parents are severely disappointed." I don't even know how I managed to tell them. I didn't even want to tell them why I did so poorly. It's a ridiculous explanation, even in my own head. Straight up I didn't go to class. It only dropped me one letter grade in upper div. In lower div? Holy mother of...

I don't really know what to do with myself. I effed up big time. I just want to curl up and sleep for a really long time.

My Sad

I don't even know what I'm going to do.

My Rina+Jeff

I've been hanging out with those two every day this week. We dragged our asses all over the bay. I think Jeff is a little shopped out. After Powell Street, Union Square, Santana Row, Valley Fair, Japan Town, and the Great Mall, I can't deny that I am too. That's averaging two shopping places per day. Frickin hardcore.

We got to hang out at a chiropractic clinic where Jeff's mom works. It was fun playing with machines and stretching and doing "dance trance" yoga on the super cool gel floor mats.

I have bad posture I think.

Rick and Jon came over last night while Jeff's family took Rina to dinner. We're planning a day trip to Tahoe. But none of us want to drive in crazy iciness. So that's kind of a problem.

Sorry this is really boring to read. I just have to document the random stuff I've been up to. I want to watch a movie or something.

Ooh. Santana Row. 5-8 pm tomorrow. My a cappella babies. Outside Maggiano's. Fuggen John's on vacation. But I'll be there. Just if anyone's interested.

My Day Out

It's frickin cold in nor cal this year. My mom forced me to buy a wool-cashmere pea coat ish thing. I'm not going to complain, it's lovely and warm.

Before I get any further in my post, I have to say, "happy birthday, Beethoven!"

It also happens to be my two friends' 10 month anniversary. I am happy for them. I am also quite sleepy and out of stuff to write.

My Musical Weekend

I watched CYS perform in Los Altos. And then I drove to Cupertino for one last Holiday Concert. I am dunzo with the music-ing. I loved it, but I am very relieved that it's all finally over with.

For the first time in my life, I got to hear a xylophone concerto. It was an interesting experience that I don't think I would care to repeat. I don't think I'm a huge fan of xylophones.

I don't know what else to write. It wasn't a particularly cathartic conclusion to anything. No fanfare, no grand finale. Just me and my exasperated sigh of relief.

I'm also a little mad at my pannettone because it is not rising the way I would like it to. I don't think it's any fault of my own. The weather just isn't being too cooperative. Lame. We'll see if the stupid lump will finally manage to triple in size within the next five hours. The 10 hour rising time is halfway up. Hurry up, stupid yeast.

My Doggy And Me

So this is my doggy and I. I was video chatting with my apartmentmates because I love them. Then my doggy plopped right down on top of me. She likes to do that. And it's nice this time of the year because she keeps me warmer :)

I love Princess Leia.

My Lovable Labrador

WARNING: CHEESE AHEAD

My dog's name is Princess Leia. I know that animals supposedly don't have souls or whatever, but I don't really buy into that. Princess Leia is probably the friendliest and most loving being I have ever encountered. And I love her very very much.

I also have a lot to learn from her. She's sweet and kind to everyone she meets... even more so if her new friend happens to bring her food. But aside from that little quirk, she never judges. She'll keep you warm while you nap by curling up around your feet. She likes to spend time with her family, but will settle for chilling out with one of my dad's shoes when she knows we don't have time to play.

It's funny how I never noticed before that she is constantly making me happy. She always lets her loved ones know that she's happy to see them, and it's such a sweet gesture that has gone unnoticed for far too long. The clicking of her claws against hard wood floors as she trots over to greet me. The little nose that pokes through the blinds of the window by the entry as she hears my keys jingling at the door. The unmistakable thumping of her super strong tail on everything within a foot and a half of her butt whenever she sees or hears something that makes her happy. That's all a lot more than I can say for myself. I'm usually pretty proud of myself for managing to grunt a pre-caffeine "g'morning ," at my family in my bass voice, eyes open just wide enough to pour a cup of coffee.

I never paused to think how much the simple act of letting people know how happy you are to see them can make a difference in how they feel. But noticing my own face light up so many times these days, whenever I see my adorably happy Leia, has got me thinking that I would like to be that person who makes people smile. I'm no Little Miss Sunshine. I usually don't even show it even when I am happy. But I can be.

I've been a total sap at home. A massive Smiley McSmilerson. And I owe it to my dog. And maybe a little bit to all the beer and orange smileys I've been consuming...

That's my resolution for the new year. I know it's a little early, but it's a huge adjustment. And it can't hurt to start a little early. I'm going to be a happier person. Not for the sake of knowing I'm happier than people I don't particularly care for, but simply for the sake of being a positive force for a change. If my new outlook can even make one person's day a little brighter, it will have been worth it :)

My Laundry List!

There is so much stuff I want to do! I don't think I'll be able to accomplish all of it... so that's why I have to set me some priorities.

• Hang out with Tina Li, my Facebook fiancé slash official bff. (It's been 11 months since I saw her in person... O_O)
  
• Tipsy stargazing with my besties, like always.
• WARRIORS GAME x2 with EVERYONE I CAN POSSIBLY GET TO GO. (Everyone I like, that is.) I can get 15$ tickets through my dad's company. TELL ME if you wanna come with! The more the merrier! :) This would be 12/15 and 12/29. Magic and Raptor... I think that's respectively.
• Food-ing. Lots and lots of food-ing.
  

There's so much more. I'm sure there is. But I can't think of anymore. And I'm getting a little restless...

My Sleep-Deprived Dialogue

Finals are over for me. I can't say that I'm not a little relieved. I totally drew Al Gore and Man-Bear-Pig for this one question on global warming I just couldn't think of a real answer to. I also doodled Batman on the side of one page, and decided to leave it there and write "The Dark Knight: on DVD and Blu-Ray today!" rather than attempt to erase it. (Let's face it... that mask was gonna leave its mark even if I did manage to erase it.)

Minor setbacks. Not to worry. I'm pretty sure lower division biology never killed anyone.

Something of note. Yes. Best Friend (that's his name) and I were reviewing outside of Warren lecture hall before our final today. I hadn't slept a ton. Neither had he. But my eyes weren't so glazed that I couldn't read his little mnemonics.

For example:
Limber Pastafarian Pussy Double Penetration Her Rectum.

I don't even remember what it stands for. (Neither did he when I asked him about it. He got stuck on "pussy" and kind of drifted into a daze...) It doesn't even make any sense. Pastafarian's not even a word. I think it has something to do with the order of stuff appearing on Earth. Like land plants and then... something else, dinosaurs? Homo sapiens thrown in somewhere too. I have no idea. All I can think of when I see that mnemonic is limber pussy.

I don't hate mnemonics. I have a few myself!. Like for taxonomy? Kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, species?

AKA: Keep Penguins Cool Or Find Green Spots.

Best Friend's version: King Philip Came Over For Great Sex.


By the way, Best Friend is a guy. And this was all going to be in dialogue format. But I'm a loser and I forgot.


[edit]
I spelled "mnemonic" as "pneumatic." See post title: "My Sleep-Deprived Dialogue." I am so stupid sometimes. Air-operated? What was I thinking?! And this is why I'm no longer a mechanical engineering major. Because I apparently can't tell the difference between mnemonic and pneumatic. Forgive me, world. It was never my intention to be so stupid. I should do humankind a big favor and take myself out of the gene pool. I will be celibate! (Or I can kill myself...)

My Random Acts Of "I Love You" Day

I wrote my grandma a letter. It was tedious because I really suck at Chinese when I'm not typing. Computers are such a bad habit. But I did it nonetheless. A full page of loving one-way banter.

I also sang a song for my mommy and sent her a YouTube link. Because I just want to go home. And I love my mommy.

All in the name of procrastination.

Honestly, I just can't study anymore. I feel as though everything's just redundant information, and I'm not entirely sure why I was still spending so much time staring at pages of lecture notes I could probably recite off the top of my head. Word for word, symbol for symbol. I am in love with my own notes. I sometimes read them in my spare time. I love supplementing my notes too. Because I'm frickin weird like that.

Also, I kind of want to post a video. Of "O Holy Night" because I love that song. I just can't quite figure out how I should play the part that goes "fall on your knees..." and onward. I can play something. But it doesn't really fit with the way I play the rest of the song. Whoops. I should like... get better at guitar or something. I've never felt more incompetent at an instrument than I do right now.

So I'm going to get some practicing in. Now. I'm red-bulled past being able to sleep anyway. Whoops.

Oh... and I'm not going to stop until my fingers start peeling. Again.

My Study Troubles

Not that I'm all that concerned about my finals or anything, but I don't have my glasses. And this whole studying without them deal is making my head hurt. It's not like I left my glasses in someone's car or in my room or whatever. No. My glasses are floating around in my sock drawer in Fremont. 500 miles away. I'm officially stupid times a bazillion.

I leave my glasses at my parents' house the week before finals. I'm just all kinds of dumb, huh? And it's not as if I don't already lack motivation to study.

Despite that minor drawback and the mild headache accompanying it, I'm actually really happy. School's practically over! I'm going home in exactly three days! It's the holiday season! Just thinking about it all puts me into this ridiculously happy mood. I spontaneously smile and sometimes burst into song. And I've figured out a resolution for the new year!

I hereby resolve to be a very-apparently happier person than everyone I dislike. I'm going to be so fuckin happy, the damn sun's going to shine out of my ass. Forreal. And then I can be an even happier person knowing that everyone I don't like is more miserable than I am.

My Last Day Of Classes

Yep, I'm done for the year. I also slept through my last class of the quarter. 20 minute power nap? Not so. I woke up and my class had ended. So I tucked my head right back into my sheets and slept for another 3 hours or so. Right now I'm sitting on my ass, eating tropical Skittles, and watching Comedy Central. I'll study tomorrow or something...

The story behind these tropical Skittles is that I was originally craving some ice cream sandwiches. But I didn't want to drag my lazy ass to the cafeteria. So I bummed some candy off of my apartmentmate's student org. Why does Model United Nations need hundreds of king-sized candies anyway?

It's 10:17 now. Yes, that's how long it took me to actually finish this post.

My Final Push

December is probably my favorite month. No other twelfth of the year can quite compare. But until the a cappella concert is over with, finals are done, and my mentorship program is finished, I won't be able to really enjoy it.

I took a break from the books while I was back home. Mostly because I occupied myself with cooking for Thanksgiving and with a cappella. After a few hours of coaching the group my brother started at our high school, I delved straight into the six-man project that my brother also leads outside of school. They were prepping for a gig at the Stanford Shopping Center, and had a little more than an hour of performance-ready material. I'm very proud of those boys. This is their second year under my brother's leadership, and I have to say that he's done a great job of carrying my legacy. My ex-codirector and I were still able to give a few pointers... and scare the shit out of them too. That was mostly him, actually. He's big and tall and glares daggers.

After all that was said and done, I watched them perform, drove my brother to orchestra, and sped off to sift through seventy or so talented young women wishing to partake in an all-girls group.

Auditions were really difficult. But I guess it's better to be overwhelmed by talent than to be stuck picking the less mediocre singers of the bunch. And I'm very happy with my decisions. In order for rehearsals to run well, I've asked my old conductor to oversee them while I'm still in San Diego. But the girls are going to learn their own music without the help of Dr. Chang. I've delegated section leaders, and I've held video conferences with them after each rehearsal.

I wish I had an a cappella mentor when I was in high school. Because realizing just how select my old choir is was a pretty nasty shock. UCSD's music scene is a kiddie pool to the Bay Area's ocean of elite organizations catering to Silicon Valley millionaires' style of highly cultured child-rearing. SFYS, CYS, CCC, SFGC, the list could go on forever. I wish for a lot of stuff. I crossed my fingers like crazy last year during admissions season, hoping for some of my a cappella babies to scoot their asses to UCSD to replace shitty singers. Only one of them actually came: Carlin. He got called back but had problems with the webpage, so he didn't know it. I almost murdered him. He hasn't got the best range in the world as far as basses go, but he's solid and his tone is perfect. I gotta say it... it's so much more important to not sound like your nose is plugged than to belt out low Cs.

This is turning out to be a really long post about nothing in particular except that I'm super duper busy and that I'm actually just sac-ing my sleep to write this shit. Whoops.

But I'll be home again on December 9th, and that's when FUN crunch time hits. I'll be able to dedicate more time to mentoring, and start running rehearsals myself. Then there's the Christmas concert series. And then my baby boys have a another shopping center gig, this time at the ever-bougey Santana Row. Since that gig is considerably longer than the last one and they're all going to be on Winter break soon, John and I will be temporarily assuming directorship again in order to help them learn another hour or so of material for the show. So I'm also in a TTTBtBsBS(or VP) arranging binge. All the guys are too. Fifteen songs within the next 19 days is not going to be an easy feat. Thank goodness they're not musical retards like so many people in my woebegone a cappella disaster. They're The Ritards.

Shit. I need to study for finals sometime soon...

My Moxie

In some respects I'm rather moxious. I don't care if Mozilla's telling me that's not a word.

I am very determined, and I like to think that I have the drive (most of the time...) to be the best at the things I do. It's something I take great pride in.

People have told me that I come off as intimidating. I guess that's because I have high expectations for myself, which translates into high expectations for my teammates, classmates, coworkers, and students. I demand perfection, and I don't settle. Countless mice have been sacrificed to perfect my cardiac puncture. Choristers have endured 6 hour rehearsals under my lead. Pianists have cried while being asked to play the same arpeggios hundreds of times for the sake of establishing decent technique. Miles and miles of extra soccer drills were run under my captainship. Point made, I think?

Nobody ever wants to do the work I think is necessary. It's not fun to sing the same two or three measures twenty times in a row. It's not fun to pass the ball when you can hardly see it because the sun's gone down. But they always appreciate it at the finish line. When we win state cup. When we get papal performance invitations. When initiated into the Young Artists Guild. It's times like those when I can finally rest, knowing I've completed a job well.

Give me some young musicians to mentor, and I'll happily oblige. Granted I've led most of them for several years while I was in high school and they pretty much think I'm a god. That makes it all easier... but easy or not, I thrive on shit like that.

But when stuff doesn't go so well... it kills me more than I think it kills anyone else. I don't really know where this post is headed. I'm a little angry and a little sad. But most of all, I feel powerless and massively disappointed with this year.

A. Deal with it. <-- Not looking forward to it.
B. Coup d'état that shit. <-- Somewhat tempting
C. Fuck it and quit. <-- Very tempting.
D. Beg to join The Beat. <-- ÜBER tempting.

My Song

I wrote a song a while back. I don't know why I didn't post it then. Probably because I'm depressing enough without an emo soundtrack to go with my blog. Actually, I haven't recorded it yet. I plan on it... eventually.

Guess what it's about. I dare you.

Was it not you I longed and hoped for?
Was it not you I watched from afar?
Bigger than the world to me,
There was no other I'd admire.

Was it not you who said you wanted me?
Was it not you who took me in?
Had me wrapped around your finger,
I never saw what was comin'.

You took me for granted,
Loved me, said you meant it,
Now I know that you just used me.
You crept into my dreams,
I woke up with a scream.
Give me peace and let me be.

Was it not you I slaved and sweated for?
Was it not you I gave my heart to?
Sleepless nights and all the tear-stained fights,
Yea it was you. It was you...

You took me for granted,
Loved me, said you meant it,
Now I know that you just used me.
You crept into my dreams,
I woke up with a scream.
Give me peace and let me be.

Through the good and the bad,
You were all that I had.
Made me laugh, made me cry.
Just give back what was mine.
My will to live. Give back my tearless nights.

Was it not you who praised my talents, and
Didn't you say I'd be your perfect Queen?
Then turned around and tore my heart in two,
Spilled my blood, leaving me to clean.




Yea. It's really depressing. The melody I have for it is kind of too happy. A little too Carrie-Underwood-y. Until I can fully express just how angsty and emo this song really is, I won't be singing it for anyone.

First person to guess what this song is about gets massive brownie points.

My Rainy Night

I love rain. It's so beautiful and refreshing. I love standing in the rain by myself. It's as though, even if just for a few minutes, my life is like one of those cheesy movies.

If you haven't already noticed, I'm totally not in school mode. I'm just counting down until my flight home. This whole sleep thing isn't really working for me because I'm so damn excited to chill with my family and play with my dog and eat home-cooked meals and listen to my brother being a musical genius. Also, beer pong.

Not that going home is going to be all that relaxing... there's still Thanksgiving dinner to cook and seventy something auditionees to sift through.

I kind of wish I could have a cigarette right now... just so that I can have one of those emo smoking-in-the-rain moments. For some reason, those moments make me feel really happy. Maybe it's because they remind me of my earlier days back home.

I should take a picture and post it or something, but at the end of my neighborhood, there's this breathtaking view of the bay. That includes a bridge or two (depending on the fog situation) and city lights all around. It's stunning. In fact, I have this New Years tradition with my group of childhood friends. Probably 12-14 of the past New Years have been spent at my house with them. Ever since we were 13, we'd all peace out of my house a few minutes short of midnight, skipping out on the fobby countdown, and walk to the cul de sac, where the crazy view is. Then we'd tipsily sit on the fence, eventually stumbling our way over to the very very end of the hill, 70 meters or so away from where the street ends. And we'd have long conversations, just to catch up on all of our lives. Because even though we are best friends, and we have been for over 18 years... and we all go to UCSD now... for some reason, we never really talk a whole lot except for on these rare get-togethers. I just thought of "Brighter Than Sunshine" for some reason. It's such a depressing happy song. I love my besties so much.

There's something magical about this time of the year. Screw summer, I love the holidays. Infinite vacation time, being around people I love, using the people I love as an excuse not to be with people I don't love. It's great.

Relient K's Christmas album doesn't hurt either...

My Big Whoops

I really meant to go to my 8 am today. Seriously. Y'all have probably figured by now that I didn't.

In fact, I only just woke up half an hour ago. After a quick washing up, I nuked a bowl of corn soup I made yesterday. STILL GOOD! I posted the recipe on my personal blog... but I guess there's no harm in posting it again. I'm very proud of how cheap it is to make that stuff. And it's pretty damn baller too...

Jen's Broke-College-Student Ultimate Cold Day Comfort Food Corn Soup

Approximate cooking + prep time: 10 minutes

2 Cans canned corn (creamed-style)
1 Can chicken broth
0.5 Can SPAM, medium diced
1 egg, lightly beaten
Salt and pepper, to taste

Lightly brown the diced SPAM. Open the cans and dump them all in. Bring to a boil. Slowly stir in the beaten egg (like in egg drop soup!), then season according to taste and serve. I don't add salt because SPAM is kind of salty, but a little bit of pepper is nice :)


What can I say? I'm a college student. Canned food and I are best friends. And ramen too, I guess.

I'm debating whether I should go to any of my lectures today... I'm kind of not really feelin' it. There's no turning back. I'm officially in holiday mode.

My Musicking

My academic load is pretty light. It's not that I don't have anything to do, it's just that the concepts I have yet to solidify are not in urgent need of being learned right now. Which is just as well because a nice heaping portion of musical shit has been dumped on my plate.

It's on me to arrange whatever song we decide to do for Tritones' ICCA set. I'll find that out at noon tomorrow.

It's also on me to audition and select members, as well as arrange a repertoire for a high-school-aged female a cappella ensemble. Also to direct and mentor them. And perform with them. What I'm saying is that I kind of have lots of stuff to do. Which is why I'm up so late. Right now I'm jazzifying "When You Wish Upon A Star" of Jiminy Cricket fame, and will hopefully be sending out pdf files not too long from now. Lucky for me, my pool of auditionees are all musicians. I love it when people can read music. I love it even more when people can sing what's written. It's magical.

Kidding. That's how music groups should be. I'm just bitter. People never cease to surprise me! I've found that my perception of incompetence is constantly being redefined.

Done ranting. I have work to do. I must press on!

I have also been assigned the daunting task of cooking Thanksgiving dinner... but that's woes and wearies for another post.

My Productivity

I spent a good 5 hours at a tea house today listening to genetics lectures and taking notes on stuff I missed the first time around. See? I am an overachiever. Minus the times I ditch. All in all, I feel like today was very productive and I'm proud of myself for accomplishing what I had set out to do this afternoon.

Afterwards, a few of my roomies and I went to WalMart and bought a fuckload of yarn. I taught them to knit. And then I started crocheting a neck muff. So far it's pretty cute. Not too bad considering Rina only just taught me to crochet on Thursday. Yea. I don't know why I've gotten so craftsy all of a sudden. I feel like a really bored grandma or something. But grandmas probably don't listen to podcasted lectures while they make stuff out of yarn. Just a guess.

It's getting really late. My sleep schedule's a little out of whack, I think. Time to peace out. Or crochet some more.

My Underachieving

Skip skip skip. Skip to my lou?

Loo loo loo... I got some apples. Loo loo loo you got some too.

Plus side: I haven't be sleeping until 2 in the afternoon. Seriously, there were a couple days not so long ago I just got up at 2, brushed my teeth and had a quick smoke, and crawled right back into bed to sleep until dinnertime. It didn't make a whole ton of sense to say the least.

Downside: Even though I'm getting up normally and not smoking, I'm still skipping out on class and work. I'm kind of sick. Ish.

Less than a week until I'm finally home. Less than a week until Thanksgiving! Yea... I'm so over this whole school deal. Game over.

My Overachieving?

Maybe I am a little bit. I dragged my ass out of bed at 4:18 this morning (two snoozes) and walked to work at the VA. Clocked in at 5 a.m. And here I am. Still. I haven't really taken any breaks, so I've done my solid 8 hours. But I think I'll stick around for just a little longer. At least until I'm done logging my day into my lab notebook. It's pretty chartreuse!

I took the blood glucose levels of mice today. Never thought I'd do that. I spent years watching all my older family members do that. To themselves, not to mice. It's a little trippy I guess. If I don't watch my weight and what I eat, I could very well find myself measuring blood sugar every day...

I'm pretty much done with stuff. Minus all the little bottles of organs floating in formalin still need to be made into a catalog. Whoops. Another time, I guess.

Payce for now, hogz. I'm gonna get some rest, unwind a little, and brace myself for stupidass rehearsal.

My Ugly Schedule

Next quarter's schedule did not turn out as prettily as I would've liked.

Calculus, organic chemistry, 2 series physics, and general chemistry lab. Not pretty.

On another note, I'm going to try to catch up on some work tomorrow. So I'm off to bed now, looking to wake up around 4. Looking to get to work by 5. Looking to clock out by 2.

My Recurring Ditching Disasters

I think that skipping work has become a sort of addiction for me. There's a degree of thrill-factor in this whole staying in bed until 1 pm deal. At least I'll have a valid excuse for skipping my 8 am lecture tomorrow. That being that I have to sign up for next quarter's classes smack dab in the middle of it and there's no internet reception in my underground lecture hall.

Next quarter's classes. Whew. After adjusting for classes that have been filled, my Winter quarter schedule now looks like it's going to be Calculus, Chemistry Lab, Organic Chemistry, and Bacteriology. Definitely an easier load than I had originally anticipated. Probably a good thing.

I've also decided not to take any classes before 11 pm. And I've decided that five minutes is the longest I'll walk for any of my classes. It works out.

To take my mind off of more depressing matters, dI watched a lot of Food Network today. Then I planned out my shopping list for Thanksgiving. This year, in addition to my own 4-person family, we're having 12 other relatives over to celebrate. That's a relatively small number. That's just four of my dad's 10 siblings and their families. Factor in the fact that my brother eats like three adults, and that's 18 people to cook for. My mom bought a bird, and has put it in the refrigerator to defrost. We've already planned a massive grocery shopping trip on my way home-home from Mineta Int'l. Next Wednesday night, it's going to be family time and Thanksgiving prep. Thanksgiving day is going to be infinite hours in the kitchen.

My dad's purchased a lot of apple cider (nonalcoholic for his partially-livered ass and the kids), Choya plum wine for the older folks, and good old Taiwanese TsingTao beer for the normal ones in the family. My brother's in high school. He's a ridiculously popular fellow. The inevitable has come to pass, and as hard as he tried to hide it from me, I know he drinks like a sailor. The boy takes after myself and my father before me.

Therefore, once everyone has slipped into food coma dreamland, dear David and I are going to, once again, engage in some long-awaited sibling rivalry. That's right. Me. Him. Garage. Table. Red cups. Ping pong balls. I miss my brother, and I eagerly await challenging his so-called mad skills in a BEER PONG THROWDOWN.

That's what Thanksgiving is all about, after all.

This post ended up being a lot more about me looking forward to a break from school than about school. I guess that means I really really need a break.

My Weekend Ends Now

Week 8 is looming, and I am not too excited, to be completely honest. All in all, I had a very good weekend. With the exception of Sunday evening. But really, I haven't had a good Sunday evening for a while now, so no surprises there.

On the one hand, I'm glad that Sunday is over with. I hate Sundays. On the other hand, I tend to hate Mondays just as much. So there's no real triumph in getting through today only to anticipate another hell-day. I skipped work all of last week. I'm tempted to do so again. (Do mine eyes spy a third ditching disaster?)

I spent the past hour crying my eyes out after yet another painful rehearsal. Even Arjun cringed during soprano sectionals. After a long discussion with the directors, it turns out I'm switching voice parts. That's right. I'm going to be a soprano, effective Wednesday and onwards. And certain other people will be mezzos. I'm sad to have to leave Shana and Chelsea though. I love singing with them.

I don't really want to finish this entry. Goodnight.

My Weekend Starts Now

Because I haven't been to my Evolution lecture for a while, I didn't know that I don't have discussion section tomorrow. And because I had my Genetics midterm today, I also don't have section for that class either. Therefore, my Friday is FREE.

Weekend.

My friend asked me to perform for Marshallpalooza tomorrow night, so I guess I have to practice and shit. But other than that, I'm pretty much home free. I forgot how sweet life can be!

I love when random stuff just clears out like that.

My midterm went by smoothly. I got to hang out with some old floormates. I'm sleeping the frick in tomorrow. I get to do my favorite thing for a lot of people tomorrow night. (For the record, that would be singing. Not what the potential TWSS would imply.) Then I'm going to drink with my best friend of 18 years.

This weekend is going to be so damn baller :)

My Ditching Disaster pt. 2

I'm not at work. Yet again. It's like I'm begging to be fired.

But I do have a really important midterm tomorrow, so I guess that mitigates my absence. To an extent.

I hate Wednesdays. It's like "HAHA, you're only halfway there." (Whoa! Livin' on a prayer!) I'm not funny.

What I'm going to have to try to focus on today is genetics. I've got some podcasts I need to listen to because of those times I zoned out or just flat out didn't go to lecture (damn ditching disasters!). And then I have to re-read the chapters I'll be held accountable for. And then I'm going to work some problems like they've never been worked before. It's going to be awesome.

No sarcasm there. I really like studying for this class. With that said, I refuse to do poorly.

My Ditching Disaster

I'm developing a rather nasty habit of ditching work on Mondays and school on Thursdays.

What usually happens is that I spend much of the previous night crying into the wee hours of morning. My alarm goes off at six and I snooze button it up the ying yang until about seven, at which point I just turn the damn thing off and sleep until eleven. Then I turn on the TV from my bed and watch Food Network or MADtv until either someone knocks on my door or I get a headache from lying down for so long. This is usually around 12:30 pm.

I then decide that it would take me until nearly 2 pm to shower, put clothes on, and walk to the VA. So I weigh my options simply for the sake of weighing my options and eventually decide to stay in my boxers and sports bra until a situation in which normal clothes is mandatory arises.

By the time Mondays and Thursdays come to a close, I've usually recovered from the biweekly lapses in my will to live, and Tuesdays and Fridays happen as per the usual.

Frankly, I'm surprised that some freak miracle has managed to keep me afloat in spite of my being completely dead 2/7 of every week.

My "Addicted"

I'd meant to finish up some homework after rehearsal tonight. That didn't happen. Instead I spent some time bawling at my best friend over the phone (poor her... she's three hours ahead of California), blogging up a storm all over the interwebs (fishing for pity), and learning depressing songs to play on my guitar.

I just can't sleep. Once again, one little student org has managed to dominate my every thought. And not in a good way. I'm starting to find that I'm losing focus of what should really be occupying my mind during my time at UCSD. Namely academics. But I can't concentrate on anything when this one--burden really, is what it has become--is flooding every crevice of my mind.

The only solution I can think of is to simply quit. But out of duty to the fellow teammates I treasure so dearly and to my cherished altos for whom I try so hard to be a decent role model and leader, I know that's not really an option I can take, however much I crave to.

I need to find a way to escape from all of it. Unlike last year, drinking myself into oblivion is not a viable plan of action with respect to the greater demand of my current academic situation. If this shit doesn't stop permeating into the rest of my life, I could reap some rather undesirable consequences on my academic record.

Bottom line: This shitty state of mind I get drawn into biweekly could very well translate into a shitty GPA.



Listening to: UCSD Tritones 2006-2007 | Addicted feat. Ena Nicole Suarez
The lyrics are depressingly perfect.

My Early Start

I clocked into work pretty early this morning. I clocked out and got home before noon.

The scary part isn't that I work too much or that I'm a little obsessed with my job. No. It's the fact that my boss was in the lab when I clocked in. And she was still there when I clocked out. That's dedication. I really admire my boss.

Right now I'm debating whether I should study or take a nap. I'll probably start off with one and just gradually transition into the other.

I'd really like some orange juice right now.

My Mission Accomplished

Oh studies, how I have missed you.

Sadly enough, I actually really enjoyed the past few hours. I sipped coffee, did reading and took notes, and worked a couple of really interesting genetics problems. I really like genetics.

I also realized that I have a midterm on Monday and that I haven't gone to O-Chem for two weeks. I think I might have to take a W on this one. I'm already on the border of an A- in that class, and I don't want to get any lower than an A in it. I've found that it's a simple enough subject, but at this point in the game, I just don't have the time to learn everything I'd need to know to get the grade I know I'm capable of earning.

My limited resources would be better spent on Genetics and Evolution. I've weighed the opportunity costs of both my options. I'd rather end up with four fewer units at the end of this quarter than potentially sacrifice a tenth off of my GPA.

To do today: drop CHEM 140A, study more :)

My Grasp For A Grip

I took a half hour shower today. And it felt GOOD. That felt so damn good it was almost sinful. No, campus apartments are not equipped with removable showerheads. Mind out of the gutter, guys. I think of everything.

But yea. Usually my showers range from 3-5 minutes long. Lather up, rinse off. The end. Today was a rare luxury.

....And I was just gone for a good half hour to make my roommates some coffee out of sympathy for an impending deadline they're both inevitably whooshing towards.

That totally negated my goal for tonight, which was to concentrate only on genetics. Just for this one night. The night is not yet over, however, and I still have a good three or so hours to truly concentrate on what should be my focus at this point: round dos of midterms, which begins in a few hours short of one week.

Goodnight, friends. It's time for me to get back in the zone and be a hardcore student again. Time to forget all worries and leave behind my worldly woes.

How weird is it that studying is my escape from all my problems? I always thought personal lives existed for the purpose of relieving stress caused by professional problems. I'm so damn strange.

My Long Day

My face is a downer. How sad is that?

I shuffled around much of today after a night of very little sleep, too tired to fully open my eyes. Forget about smiling and acting chipper. That worked out for the most part. My coworkers are more than used to my tired face, which more or less resembles my concentration face, which is pretty much my neutral face with squintier eyes. Not to mention they're all very agreeable people who have all been in those half-dead-student shoes.

I did a lot at work today. The -80C freezers were getting beyond cluttered, and seeing as there is very little space left for samples, the time came for me to organize all the bits of organs scattered about. Inventory, the usual carbon tet injections, work was work as usual. It just dragged until approximately 6:30p.

Then I jetted my ass over to the middle of campus for a cappella rehearsal, which is actually becoming more of an obligation than anything else. It didn't help that some self-important person took it upon herself to make some pointedly cheery/smart alecky remarks aimed at the fact that I happened to be sitting in a corner and staring at sheet music. Granted she didn't know I'd been up since 3am, been at work since 7:30am, and hadn't had dinner yet, but I was hardly doing anything worth being singled out for. Last I checked, it was a good thing to sit quietly and review one's music while another voice part was being taught. Still, I politely mustered a smile and replied to her that I was merely concentrating and didn't realize my face was quite so ferocious when I was focusing.

Part of being a student is learning to deal with people, yes? Well I think I coped quite well today. But another part of me wanted very badly to roundhouse kick that bitch to her proper place... namely groveling at my feet.

I swear the only reason I put up with all this shit is because I manage to convince myself that all these people aren't worth my time. Call it cocky, call it whatever you want. I call it a coping mechanism.

My Relieving Letdown

I'm really glad I went out this weekend. I'm really glad I partied and drank (even if the latter was severely moderated). Because if I had missed Halloween and hangout time with my girls to study for the midterm I just took... well then. I'd probably be throwing a bitch fit right now if I had.

"Did George Harrison play the drums for the Beatles?"

Just a sample question. I finished twenty minutes in and had to wait around for another 10 minutes to take the listening portion in order to peace out. I think I've exhausted this subject. Let us not delve any further.

I've started picking classes for next quarter. Tentatively, my schedule looks like it's going to be biochemical techniques, general chemistry lab, calculus, and human reproduction & development. Two time-consuming lab classes and two relatively brainless just-learn-it classes. And that's it. No music.

I'm contemplating just dropping the whole music double major deal. School is... school. And I'd like to just have it be over with. Practically speaking, there are no real careers I can see myself pursuing in the field of music. I'm not cut out for the recording industry or any of the jobs it entails. I don't have the patience to educate. It looks like music might just have to take the sideline as the passion I practice on my own time. And that makes sense. It'd be hard to conduct research as a personal interest...

Perusing my blogs of past, I've come to find that I have changed very much over the years. From the "fuck it" approach I adopted all throughout high school to the hypercompetitive "fuck them" approach I took all of last year to the "fuck school" mentality I'm starting to take on now. It doesn't bother me as much to take second or third. I'm still up there and competitive, but without having to worry my ass off about point values, I'm able to realize that what it all boils down to is the ability to take all that I've learned in these classes and tie it in to my potential future career. I see more relevance now in what I'm learning and it's made an enormous difference in how I view my roles and responsibilities at work.

My overall education has become more holisitic, and I'm glad. I just wish the whole shebang could integrate itself so I wouldn't have to feel so much like the two major components of my learning are facilitated by separate modes of achieving my own goals.

My Shocking Realization

Holy wtf, it's November?!

Time is just creeping up on me like no other. There's a wedding going on right outside my apartment. (UCSD iHouse is very picturesque.) I can hear Pachelbel's Canon in D. I hate that song.

I've been spending way too much time out. It's kind of good, because it's been a distraction from some things that shouldn't be bothering me as much as they are. It's kind of bad, because it's been a distraction from some things that should be bothering me much more than they are. The former being stress I unnecessarily inflict upon myself, the latter being academic stress I've been deflecting from myself.

Yea, I partied last night. Yea, I have a midterm on Monday.

See now I can hear one of those Matt Redman songs. "Above All"... I used to love that song. Times change.

I woke up at noon today. I have accomplished absolutely nothing. That's a lie. I've made Taiwanese tea eggs for a little Taiwanese get-together we have planned for a pre-rehearsal casual dinner tomorrow. I've uploaded pictures from last night to Facebook. I've cleaned the kitchen. Basically I've accomplished nothing that really needs to be accomplished.

I hate that it's November. I don't have the time to learn everything I need to. But even if I did, I don't have the willpower to sit down and study what I need to. I am dangerously over school. A refresher would be nice. I wish Thanksgiving vacation could come sooner.

I've burned out too quickly.

My Addiction

I'm pretty sure this counts as one.

For years and years, I smoked. A lot. No, seriously. A LOT. I hardly ever do now. But sometimes I still really want to. Just for the sake of seeing that cigarette in my hand and smelling the scent of smoke. It's been so long since I smoked regularly that I've "lost that lovin' feelin'." Seriously. It happens.

Now, on the rare occasions when I do smoke a cigarette or two, it's just a lot of lightheadedness, not much of the happy, and a gazillion times the guilt.

Lately, I've been stressed. Y'all can probably tell just by reading the stupid shit I write. And sometimes I really wish that smoking could be a familiar and comforting thing to touch bases with again. I know it's ridiculously unhealthy. But there's nothing in my life right now that can help ground and relax me as much as smoking did just half a year ago.

It alienated me from two particular people I couldn't stand to be around anyway. It gave me some quality time with a few people I did care about. It kept me awake when I needed to crank out some study-age (kind of like what I need to be doing right now). What the hell... cigarettes kept me company when I didn't want to talk to anyone, but didn't want to be alone either.

It'd be nice to have that back. I feel like I've lost a part of me.

It's also 2 am, and I'm pining for a bad habit. I'm retarded.

My Titration

Didn't go to 8 am class.

Not going to 9 am class.

Don't plan on going to work at 10.

I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to do my reading or my homework or my paper. Or study for my midterm tomorrow. I don't want to get up to brew coffee, and I don't even plan on getting dressed until there are people around besides my apartmentmates.

I want all my problems to solve themselves because I can't find a way to solve any of them on my own. I wish I could take back every stupid selfish rant I've ever written and quit depressing everyone around me, both in reality and in cyberspace.

I'm going to flunk this quarter. I've already managed to alienate my friends. And considering all these days I've been calling in sick, I wouldn't be surprised if I lost my job as well.

I wouldn't be surprised if all of that really did happen. In fact, I'd be surprised if it didn't all happen. For all of you who don't already know, life tends to shit on me. I've been averaging around a death every two months, so it looks like I'm not due for another death until late November, give or take. So something else has got to give between now and then.

Crumble, Jennifer. You're already starting to. It's like an acid-base titration. That phenolphthalein is all there, just waiting to turn fuschia. You see little glimmers of pink with every drop from the pipette, but everything still looks clear so far. You know that one of these drops... it's getting closer and closer... is going to turn the whole damn flask pink. It's just a matter of waiting. And watching.

One drop? Fifty drops? All I know is that I'm right on the threshold of losing it and be it tonight or two weeks from now, I have no way to judge. All I know is that my tolerance for being alive is almost gone.

I hate life so much right now.

My Fuckin Shit

I hate myself so much right now I wish I could just man up and just fuckin kill myself already.

Fuck papers.
Fuck midterms.
Fuck a cappella.
Fuck life.

Just fuckin' fuck this shit. I wish I could do the whole goddamn world a favor and just die. Piece of fuck.

My Musical Mayhem

First and foremost, I apologize for all emo-ness. I'm not going through one of my better phases.

I skipped Genetics lecture for the first time today. Yes, I lost participation points. And yes, I probably missed some important material. But at least it's podcasted.

I stayed up for a long time trying to remember a bunch of terminology for the BILD3 midterm I had this morning. I hate lower division classes for precisely that reason. I don't want to have to define "synapomorphy" or any other stupid shit like that. Isn't it enough that I can perfectly understand the material and use the word in context?

Regardless, I believe I made a moderate killing. I didn't study enough to really guarantee myself a spot at the top of the curve. But I do think I did myself a solid 95. At least. Unless my definition of a "paraphyletic group" was not to my dear professor's liking. In which case she can just suckkk on that.

On to some issues not directly related to, but definitely correlating with my slumping academic performance. I'd kill for some stress relief right now. What a statement.

Today I held a casual lunch meeting with an ex-boyfriend. We broke up last November, and today was the first time we really talked since then. It went very well, actually. But even though the air between us has been cleared, that doesn't solve any of the problems that have really been eating me up.

I'm still distracted. I still desperately crave a cave made of blankets and pillows and maybe a puppy or two. And my mommy to reassure me through the breathing hole. And to pass me comfort food through there too.

As much as I hate to admit my mistakes, I was very mistaken when I believed that academia could satisfy me. Music is still very much the core of everything I do. It's half of my academic life too. The Tritones, past and present, and my 5 apartmentmates (one who IS a Tritone) are pretty much the extent of my social life.

1. The only thing I compulsively spend money on is music. I have an Excel spreadsheet to keep track of the CDs I own.
2. The only thing I do in my spare time is music. I arrange music, sing, and play the guitar. Or I get drunk, sing, and play the guitar.
3. The only thing that has been keeping me sane is music. I listen when I'm happy, sad, angry, frustrated, and everything in-between.

I thought I'd share what I've been getting into lately: Monkey: Journey To The West
I've had a lot of acoustic soul in the mix too (JUSTIN NOZUKA) for the times when my life needs a little bit of sexiness incorporated, because it's not getting incorporated in any other aspect of my life. I'll tell you that much.

My overall well-being corresponds to how music and I are doing. Music is my life... and I've never been so sick of just being alive.

My Achilles' Heel

This is it. This is where my limit is. I can't keep this up.

This blog has primarily been about my academic and work-related doings. I've tried to keep the vast majority of my personal problems out of this site. But it's all escalated now to the point where my academic and work-related doings are affected by my emotional dysfunction. It's been a lot of turmoil, especially for the past week and a half or so. I've taken some beatings. And I've humbled myself for the sake of preserving the peace in my relationships with people.

But I'm straight up tired. I can't concentrate on my studies, and I think of nothing but the troubles plaguing me. I don't think I can take much more before I just give up and surrender myself to the apathetic mediocrity creeping over my shoulder.

I suppose my greatest weakness is emotional investment. Mixed with my tendencies for perfectionism and extreme competitiveness, I'm doomed to have my hopes smashed.

What I had always hoped would be the highlight of my college experience has proven to be my tragic flaw. It's too much. I hate to face the fact, but the truth is plain to see: Tritones will be the end of me.

My Manic Monday

Today feels like it took way too long to get through. I actually have class in six minutes. I'm not going.

Slacking is starting to settle in. It can't be prevented. After another long Sunday night, I find myself without the willpower to trek on. I don't have it in me to burn the midnight oil learning evolutionary thought, so my only option is to finish studying for my midterm within the next 5 or 6 hours rather than attend class, and hopefully sleep my weariness away before my 8 am moment of truth.

I wasn't even in the mood to go to ochem this morning. I just stayed in bed and watched Good Morning America. Then I shuffled my ass around at work, and forgot to turn on the fume hood before filling syringes with carbon tet. If I get liver cancer sooner than I expect to, we'll all know why.

This entry probably isn't very interesting to read. I'm pooped. Over it. All I want to do is go home and go to sleep with Leia warming my feet. No more school. No more work. No more a cappella. Just no more, please.

My Wild Night

We had sake-sampling in my apartment last night. In addition to several varieties of sake, which we bought in bulk at Ranch 99, we also had plum wine, which is notorious for wasting people of all ages. My friends and I used to drink the stuff at family friend get-togethers when we were in elementary school, and then we'd all fall over while trying to play Mario Kart.

Among the five of us present, we downed two giant bottles of sake and a bottle of plum wine. It was ridiculous. I was hungover this morning, but I am now enjoying Breakfast 2.0 after my first eating attempt got me to puke up my life and lie in bed watching A Knight's Tale on TBS.

So... about the whole being a student deal, I don't know how much I'm going to be studying today. We have a pre-rehearsal dinner party planned, and that's at 4, so I'm pretty short on time here. Thankfully, I did manage some productivity yesterday, so I'm not completely screwed over. My midterm isn't until Tuesday, and I can make time to study tomorrow. I think I'll just do some light reading and notes-reviewing today.

After all is said and done, I generally do work very hard, and there's no harm in letting loose once in a while.

Social life: 1
Studies: 821782974893

My Anti-Climatic Weekend

I've been up since around 7. And I've accomplished very little. I made coffee. Listened to the electronic opera I finally got in the mail yesterday. (BTW, it's amazing. Gorillaz's Damon Albarn's "Journey To The West," credited to Monkey. Seriously good stuff.) I'm weird. I like experimental music.

On to school stuff. I still have midterms next week, so this really isn't a weekend for me to fool around. Damnit. I'm craving one of those do-nothing days. Sadly enough, once I finish this post, I'll be off to outline a couple chapters in my textbooks. Catch up on some reading. Work some problems. All that jazz.

I have a performance commitment this afternoon at 4:30, and a rehearsal tomorrow night at 6, so I'll have to budget the little time I have, because the temptation to waste it will be overwhelming. I can tell already. I'm restless. And I haven't even sat down and started studying...

What I hope to accomplish today? I don't think it's out of my capacity to outline, study, and lock in 2-2.5 chapters of evolutionary thought. Two chapters is my bare minimum requirement for the day. If I finish 2.5, I can take the rest of the day off.

Ready? One, two, three, BREAK!

My Almost-Weekend

Having a busy Friday is such a bitch. It's like... "Here's a pie. But you can't eat it unless you run four miles and jump through a flaming hoop first." The weekend is nearing, but I've got a mini-midterm to study for and take, as well as a good chunk of genetics problems to solve before I can really relax in weekend-mode. Bitchhhhh.

Fifth week is quickly approaching, and I'm getting at that part of the quarter when I start to really really miss being at home. So I remedied that this morning by cooking up a huge pot of Taiwanese porridge, which I served to my fellow apartmentmates (and one apartmentmate's plus one, who also happens to be Taiwanese) with some pickled cucumbers and bamboo roots, pork sung, and salty duck eggs, all MIT. 1: Because I don't trust anything made in China. 2: Because Taiwanese food should be made in Taiwan.

It did somewhat cure my homesickness to eat food that I used to eat every day. But to really get a full dose of home, I checked one of my favorite blogs in the world, My Mom Is A FOB. Really. It's magic. It's total déjà vu reading some of the stuff other Asian moms write. I could swear that I have loving-lecture e-mails from my own momma that are nearly word-for-word on that site.

What I'm resolutely traipsing around is the fact that I skipped class this morning. I'm still sort of sick, and I was seriously craving some comfort food. What's more than that, I feel like my organic chemistry lectures are completely useless, and I've thus stopped attending. It's justifiable. My absences in that class are not due primarily to sheer laziness, but rather to the fact that attendance does not affect my performance, and that the whole shenanigan is a huge waste of time which could be otherwise dedicated to actually learning something.

Good reasoning, truth?

I am going to discuss one last thing before I continue with my day. Right now, I'm about a third of my way through midterms, and I'm looking good so far.

CHEM140A (organic chemistry): Total ownage. On my part. I did very well for myself in that class.

BICD100 (genetics): I got 200/200... but there was someone who ended up with a 214/200. I should be satisfied with my performance anyway. I wasn't feeling too awesome that day. Plus the class average was about 64%.

MUS15 (popular music): Full credit on my first midterm paper. Can't ask for more than that, can I?


I'm doing well so far. But the temptation to start slacking is ever-increasing, and I feel like I deserve a break. Too bad... I've got another midterm on Tuesday and a paper due on Wednesday. Can't stop now! Gotta keep truckin'!

My Relapse

I had to skip class this morning. I woke up at 6:30 and just could not find a way to drag myself out of bed. As in I was physically incapable of getting out of bed.

Thankfully, lying around for several hours helped. I am better now than I was earlier, but the fact is that my road toward recovery has regressed a little. I'm hardly any different from how I was on Tuesday night.

Needless to say, I skipped my lecture this morning, losing precious participation points in the process. It was a tradeoff. But if I were to collapse and die this morning in the process of dragging my sick ass to class, I'd lose the participation points for the rest of the quarter too. And that is no bueno.

I'm still debating if I should drag my ass to work... it's really far... And I'd rather not walk anywhere. Maybe I'll take the shuttle or something. Ughhhhhhhhh.

My Last-Minute Paper

In hopes of recovering fully by today, I went to bed before 11pm last night, and got nearly 8 whole hours of sleep. Unfortunately, I'm still not functioning at 100%, but I'm still steadily improving.

Anyway, that left me in kind of a dilemma. I had a paper due at 9am this morning, so not staying up to work on it last night left me a little less than two hours to write the paper, print it up at a student computer lab, and turn it in at section. But I did it. I cranked out a paper in a little less than 45 minutes. And it was amazing.

It's one of my shittier essays, but considering it's a pass/no pass assignment.... I'm pretty sure I'll be alright.

Yea. I'm at work right now. I should probably get back to work. Or at least pretend that I'm doing something productive.

My Studious Success

I've accomplished a lot today. I feel like I really know my genetics. I'm going to absolutely DESTROY tomorrow. Gonna make a killing of that class.

I think I made a semi-killing this morning at ochem. There was some stuff I wasn't expecting to be expected to know. (What a weird sentence!) But at least I knew my shit. Not gonna lie, I lucked out. The one pKa value I happened to know off the top of my head...

I'm ready though. And that makes me happy. I'm still going to do some hardcore reviewing, but I am thoroughly confident in my understanding of my genetics course thus far.

It gives me such a sense of satisfaction to have this feeling of total and complete understanding :)

It's moments like these that make me so thankful for education. I love being a student during these Hallelujah chorus episodes. They're rare, but when they happen...

Worth it.

My All-Nighter

Rehearsal today ate up a lot more time than I thought it would. It ended with a late dinner with some 'tones, which somehow morphed into a bitching session that I left shortly thereafter. My departure then turned into a chance bumping-into of this year's directors, which led into a full-blown discussion on how to fix this year's group.

I can't believe we're having issues already. It's stressing me out more than I wish it would. I'd like to say that it's detracting from my ability to focus on other things because I'm so angry. But that's pushing it a bit far.

Long story short is that if I'm going to perform at the standard I usually hold myself to, I'm going to have to pull an all-night deal here. Goodnight blog, hello books.

I toast you guys, RedBull in hand. Here's to an A in 0chem.

My Crunch Time

I could not study yesterday. I tried with all my might, but fevers and headaches aren't generally conducive to the learning process.

Today, I am actually feeling much better. I'm still sporting this beautiful hacking cough that hurts like a mofo, but my headache has definitely subsided to the "I lack caffeine" level, as opposed to the "quit whacking me with bricks" level from yesterday. I can be productive today.

I guess yesterday was good in its own way too. I played so much guitar that my fingers now smart whenever I wash my hands and I get pins and needles in the tips when I type. It's not painful enough to really bother me. I think of it as the satisfying aftermath of accomplishment. At least I got to make some music in place of learning o-chem.

I plan to pop some laundry into the machines, and do reading and practice problems. That's my general plan of action anyway. I should hop to that, because rehearsal tonight is going to eat up some of my time.

Only three chapters will be covered on my first midterm tomorrow. Shouldn't be too difficult to learn in time... I think... I hope...

My AKKHHHUGHH

There's a cold going around the campus apartments where I live. Guess who has it right now. Aren't I a lucky one?

It's not very fun to be sick while trying to study. That's probably why I'm not studying, and instead writing about how sorry I feel for myself when I'm trying to study sick. And listening to Justin Nozuka. His voice is like medicine.

Kidding. His voice enables me to feel even more sorry for myself as I pine away in my sniffly singleness. I could really use a boyfriend to sing to me and make me feel better. Slash keep me company while I cough myself within an inch of my life. All the while trying to solidify molecular orbital theory.

I'm kind of hoping I feel better soon. This being sick business is starting to chip away at my willpower to overcome mid-quarter slacking...

My Academic Apathy

I'm writing right now because I don't want to study. I'm tired of being cooped up in a stack of texts and notes, jamming my neuropathways with a ton of marginally useful information. Sometimes I stare at my notes and think to myself, "Why am I trying to learn this shit?"

It's tiring! You'd be surprised how exhausting it is to be truly hardcore about academics. I work damn hard for a spot at the top. At this point in the quarter, I'm working to get over the first hill. Midterms, round one. I've got one under my belt, two more plus a paper next week. I just have to grit my teeth and power through this next week. If I don't do well on my midterms. that just creates more stress for me come round two, right?

And stress is no bueno. I'm working. I am. I've got some reading to do before a quiz at three... maybe I'll hop to that. Lord knows it's a better idea than bitching out frustration on a blog...

"My Super-Massive Pain In The...

parietal regions of my cranial cavity.

I think it might be the caffeine. For some reason, I just could not sleep properly last night, so I tossed and turned for hours on end, and when I finally timed out and had no choice but to get out of bed at 6 am, I was struck by an incredible urge to fall onto the ground and sleep. Hence, I am a little over-caffeinated. That's my explanation.

Parking spaces to fight over, lecture to attend, work to do, rent to pay. What else is new?

Due to my lack of sleep, I have achieved maximum lack of productiveness this morning. No coloring, no homework, no thinking, even. I drove to the VA, called my mom while walking to Geisel, and bummed on a Geisel computer until now. Actually I'm still bumming. So far definitely not one of my more fruitful days. In fact, I have a feeling I'm going to sleep through an hour and a half of lecture, zombie myself around the VA, skip out on setting up my work schedule for EXPRESS, postpone the cleaning I had planned for today, and forgo dinner in favor of a hardcore sleep sess.

It's my first lazy day in a long while. I don't know whether I should be excited that I'm going to take a real break or sad that I'm truncating my unrelentingly hardworking streak. The more I think about it, the more I figure that I'm going to guilt myself into pressing on for a productive day. I mean, I've done so well for so long. It'd be a pity to let that all go to waste over a few hours of lost sleep. Great.

I take back everything I wrote. Yes, I've been grossly lethargic for the first 3 hours of my day so far, but I have time to turn it all around and make this Thursday a win. It just feels so much better to end the day know I've achieved something that I'm just going to have to persevere for the next 15 hours."



End quotation. That was something I posted on Thursday, July 17, 2008. And it sums up right now pretty well. I don't know what it is about approaching the middle of an academic quarter, but it's always when the lethargy starts to kick in!

Long story short, this morning I had a fire drill early in the morning, and a nap all through Evolution lecture. Whoops. All in all, not one of my more productive days. I'm sipping on a pomegranate-flavored Rockstar, and my fingers are definitely feeling it.

But I'm going to press on. I figure... even if everything I accomplish today is a product of guilt, at least I will have accomplished something. The end justifies the means, right?

On a brighter note, I did purchase concealer last night, so I no longer look like a zombie with my under-eye shadows in all their glory. Concealer is magic. If you don't look too carefully at me, it almost looks as though I still have a soul...

Who am I kidding? I sold my soul for straight As.

My Fire Week Episode II

I learned from my friend's blog that SoCal is indeed on fire once again. This marks the anniversary of a lot of things. If my first college boyfriend and I had made it past the three weeks we were an item, right around now is when we would be celebrating our first anniversary. It also happened to be a week of utter boredom that resulted in some personal experimentation that I won't reveal the details of on this site...

Strangely enough, right around now is when my ex and I are actually starting to hold civil conversations with each other again.

"Fire Week" last year, the week when school got cancelled, would also mark the point in Fall quarter of last year when any remainder of my attempts at studiousness flew out the window and I sailed through the remainder of the quarter on residual knowledge from high school. That probably won't happen this year. But I am definitely getting a little restless with this whole schooling business... It's getting harder each day to attend the lectures I know I'll get nothing out of or to do the reading on things I've learned, but I really am trying.

To come later: I'm going to propose some tactics to stay motivated!

My New Year

Yes, as a student, I feel as though every new year starts in late September.

I haven't posted here in a long time. Probably because I started a Wordpress not so long ago that has since gained a moderate following, so I feel almost compelled to write for that blog. I've been neglectfully abusing my Blogger account :(

But now I'm back on StudentAccount, which I feel could be a really good for me, academically speaking. If I force myself to write about my school-related doings, I'll have to accomplish a lot each day in order to come off as a good, productive student. Makes sense, yes?

This is great. I'm guilting myself into studying. That's dedication at its finest. I have class in 9 minutes, but I will be posting regularly from now on. I will.

My Grown Up Life

I really had meant to make this a regular thing, but school and sheer laziness got the better of me. Due to the several months I spent procrastinating, there's quite a huge chunk of my year to be caught up on.

My friends are grown up. And I guess I am now too. Granted all of them are 3-7 years older than I am... My lease on an apartment 500 miles away from where I used to call home starts on June 10th. I'll be moving in the 13th and 14th, and starting to make my own in this world. Goodbye to the days of living with mom and dad. I left for college 9 months ago. Little did I know I'd never be going back.

That's right. I have a job, I'm thinking about picking up another one, and I'm doing the work/school thing this summer. The saddest thing about that is that I can never join my coworkers for drinks after work. I'm underage.

I actually have rehearsal now, but I will be back later to finish this post up.

[edit 10/14/08]
Wow. I so lied on that one. I haven't posted on this for ages. Damnit.

My New Beginning

I guess I'll call this a fresh start. The Student Account, I decided, should be pure documentation of and reflection on my life as a college student. This should be interesting.

This weekend has been filled with all sorts of happenings. My suitemates and I were so sick of dorm food that we went out for pho (Vietnamese rice noodles in beef broth) and frozen yogurt. Oh Convoy, the street of Asian goodies. They decided to hit up Hustlers afterwards. I had just pulled an all-nighter, so I called it a night and turned in early. They ended up returning to our suite at some ungodly hour with a recent issue of Playgirl magazine, some cheap porn, and an adult dice game.

Saturday night, we managed to make use of that dice game. Some guys came over and we had mojitos and beer. Stick eight sexually-deprived co-ed college students in a room with alcohol and an adult game and something is bound to happen.

I had my first one-night stand.

I'm not too sure how I feel about that. It just really bugged me that the last person I had sex with was my stupid ex-boyfriend. So I figured I'd fix that. Not to mention alcohol kind of makes me lusty. Either that or it just exposes the fact that I'm lusty. As much as I hate to admit it, the latter is probably more true than the former. Whatever it may be, I had fun regardless. My friend Michael is very attractive, almost too well-endowed, and confidently sexy. I like that.

Well, college is supposed to be about new experiences. I'd say this weekend has put some experiences under my belt, yes?