My Addiction

I'm pretty sure this counts as one.

For years and years, I smoked. A lot. No, seriously. A LOT. I hardly ever do now. But sometimes I still really want to. Just for the sake of seeing that cigarette in my hand and smelling the scent of smoke. It's been so long since I smoked regularly that I've "lost that lovin' feelin'." Seriously. It happens.

Now, on the rare occasions when I do smoke a cigarette or two, it's just a lot of lightheadedness, not much of the happy, and a gazillion times the guilt.

Lately, I've been stressed. Y'all can probably tell just by reading the stupid shit I write. And sometimes I really wish that smoking could be a familiar and comforting thing to touch bases with again. I know it's ridiculously unhealthy. But there's nothing in my life right now that can help ground and relax me as much as smoking did just half a year ago.

It alienated me from two particular people I couldn't stand to be around anyway. It gave me some quality time with a few people I did care about. It kept me awake when I needed to crank out some study-age (kind of like what I need to be doing right now). What the hell... cigarettes kept me company when I didn't want to talk to anyone, but didn't want to be alone either.

It'd be nice to have that back. I feel like I've lost a part of me.

It's also 2 am, and I'm pining for a bad habit. I'm retarded.