My Duplicate Posting (My Decimation)

So this isn't exactly breaking news, but I quit the Tritones. After reading over a year's worth of Xanga entries... I'm a little surprised that I didn't see this coming. I have posts dating back to Spring quarter of last year contemplating quitting.

November 9, 2008
I've never felt so unfittingly condescended to and unappreciated in my entire life. Unless that changes in the next few months, all I can say is, "Peace out, Tritones."

November 6, 2008
My ability (willingness?) to stick with Tritones is diminishing. Part of it is simply dissatisfaction with the lack of crucial skills in key individuals. Part of it is that I've had it with the attitudes of other individuals.

May 26, 2008
If people aren't willing to appreciate the fact that I am one of very very few actually competent musicians present, I am seriously considering taking my talents elsewhere. The DOTs have good potential. I hate to be that spoiled little kid, but sometimes I don't even want to be a part of Tritones anymore.

And that's just a taste. There were a LOT of Tritones posts.

We were no Hullabahoos or Beelzebubs. But at the very least, Tritones was a respectable a cappella group. Not too shabby for West-coasters. One of the better-known SoCal groups. This is what my apartmentmate, Karen, had to say about us after seeing this year's Ballroom: "Well... you guys were better than the UCSD men's group." Great. We did better than the group that was only founded half a year ago.

It kills me that this is how my collegiate a cappella career is ending. That I couldn't persevere and make it to that tearfully heartfelt pool of sentiment after four happy years of merry music-making. Instead, I spent this year manipulatively playing dumb ("Can we go over this section?") in order to point out musical errors without offending my unseasoned, yet obstinately prideful, roommate-director. You'd all be proud to know what kind of crazed measures I took to avoid bruising her ego. All so that she can now ignore the fact that I exist.

I truly gave my life to this group, often times skipping schoolwork to finish an arrangement or attend a gig. I forsook many a hangout in favor of Tritones commitments. When I was happy, I never felt the need to feel appreciated. I was perfectly content merely doing whatever I could to contribute. But as I became increasingly disillusioned and dissatisfied, lack of gratitude and plain disrespect from the group really started to get to me. And even though I still do and always will love Tritones, nothing will ever undo the immense resentment I have towards certain individuals who have pretty much ruined it.

I think this might be what it's like to be filing for bankruptcy. On the one hand, you have nothing. No assets under your name, no credit score to start building anew with, nada. But on the other hand, you no longer have the weight of insurmountable debt upon your shoulders. And even though it's all a horribly depressing ordeal, the fact is that it's a new beginning.

I'm having trouble adjusting... it's still keeping me up at night. Everything this year could have been still haunts me, and although I've been standing my ground as far as withdrawing my membership goes, there hasn't a day since I quit that I haven't cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I've been locked in my room, hardly ever sleeping. I waste my days singing alone.

Excuse the vicious sentiment... but I almost wish I could watch the whole thing crash and burn without me, just so I can still say "I told you so." I don't care how selfish it may seem. It's damn near 4 a.m. and for the third night in a row, I can't sleep. This has cut me deeper than most people can fathom.

I've been pretty emotional this week. Angry beyond words, morbidly depressed, apathetic, you name it. I'm an amalgamation of every negatively connotated emotion there is.








Most of all, I'm just fucking devastated.